Friday, 1 June 2018

Raheem Sterling is late for training and also evil

Raheem Sterling has said sorry to his England teammates for accidentally completely fucking up his travel arrangements and turning up to training about 12 hours later than he was supposed to.

While I would be in serious trouble for doing something similar, Gareth Southgate AKA 'the nicemn' instead said through gritted teeth that it was fine and that his awful tattoo of a gun is fine and that the edge is fine and thank the lord, because can you imagine what would have happened on the twitter if he'd suggested anything bad about Sterling?

If the world was about to end, I'm pretty sure those same people who always seem to be on twitter would be on twitter writing about the end of the world. I'd even bet on it, perhaps using NetBet. Of course, they'd never retweet anything, unless it's a quote tweet which as we all know is the biggest jerk move you can make in real life. Look at me, I am the best, I have quote tweeted this person because I am the best. Why don't people retweet anymore? Why is it like? Nobody else sees it if you like it. I hate twitter.

The masses on the internet are now raging at all the newspapers for daring to print an actual news story on Raheem Sterling because he has been smeared over the previous few weeks. It's a little bit like the boy who cried wolf except the sheep are footballs and the boy is black.

Anyway, Sterling has said that his tattoo is of an M16 rifle because his dad was, and I quote, "gunned down to death" as opposed to being gunned down to... not death and I can therefore only assume that his dad was a character in call of duty, which is incredibly sad. It also is genuinely upsetting that his dad was shot to death by an assault rifle, and therefore pertinent that Sterling has decided because he shoots with his right foot, that is a nice tribute to his dad. lovely.

In a similar move to Sterling's decision to have the method of his father's death tattooed onto his leg,  to remember a deeply upsetting moment in my own life, I have decided to get a picture of a Hewlett-Packard printer which will never ever join the wifi network sellotaped to my head.