Friday, 1 June 2018

New Mastercard pledge means if Neymar and Messi don't score, Carribean children will die

Mastercard have made a #heartfelt pledge to address the imbalance of poverty and starvation in the world, looking to protect vulnerable children in Latin America and the Carribean by promising to donate 10,000 meals to children there for every goal Lionel Messi and Neymar score.



Instead of just fucking paying for the meals in the first place, it's nice to know that a multi-billion pound credit card company has agreed to forego this expenditure purely in the name of charity, helping create something priceless, like free publicity for those who cannot afford food. Those kids are going to love eating all that internet. Mmm mmmmm.

As ever with starving children, there is a downside. And if Messi should happen to clang a free-kick off the crossbar, not only will the children not get their meals, but they will hurled into the sea. First the meals, then the children.

Whoever is playing Argentina and Brazil last should just let them score a fucking million goals, making it Saudi Arabia 0 Argentina 29,000,000. Andy Townsend going "if anything Clive, that's too many meals!"

And then Neymar misses a penalty. "CREDIT CARD ASSISTANT, WE MUST ENSURE THAT MORE CARIBBEAN YOUTHS PERISH"