Monday, 18 June 2018

Rafael Van Der Vaart has a story about Cristiano Ronaldo

Rafael Van Der Vaart, that guy who was good for a little while on Pro Evo, has told a story about how Cristiano Ronaldo pulled off an 80s movie iconic moment during a game they played.


Van Der Vaart said:
One day after training, Cristiano took 20 balls and started practicing free kicks but none went in. I took one and it went in and I told him ‘this is the way you should do it.’ Come game day, we won a free kick and Cristiano banged it top corner and told me,"this is the way I do it."
I can relate having been a similar position myself with a work colleague last week. Except instead of 'top corner' it was 'on the floor' and instead of free-kicks it was 'an aggressive handjob'. Sometimes it's just good to get things finished yourself I guess.

Mexico's government says goal against Germany caused an earthquake

In highly doubtful news, the Mexican government - bastions of integrity - have revealed/claimed that all the people jumping in Mexico after that goal against Germany caused a small earthquake.


In a tweet (so you know it's true) they said:
The # earthquake detected in Mexico City originated artificially. Possibly by massive jumps during the Goal of the selection of # Mexico in the world. At least two sensors inside the City detected it at 11:32.
My favourite word in this is 'possibly' because ignores the potential that this was caused by a horrifying underground lizard making its way towards the surface of the earth to unleash havoc upon all who sit beneath the hot Mexican sun. Once El Lizardo begins his reign of terror there will be only one way to defeat him and that will be by organising a way to make USA to score a goal somewhere in order to cause a tsunami when all the fat people fall over.

England are also bracing themselves for damage that might be caused to ancient beloved buildings if their team score on Monday night, as supporters beat the shit out of each other and throw tables around a Wetherspoons while high on a mixture of talcum powder and speed. Truly, football is a magical sport.

Mats Hummels lays into his teammates

Mexico managed to beat Germany on Sunday by using ancient tactics passed down by generation to generation, using a kind of football magic that works when an opposition team plays one centre-back.


Mats Hummels was particularly unimpressed with his team's efforts and laid into them after the game.
“Mexico deserved the win - our cover was often not good and we were left many times with Jerome [Boateng] and myself at the back. 
“If seven of eight players are attacking then it’s clear our attacking power is greater. But that’s something that I have often talked about internally. It doesn’t always bear fruit. 
“A wake-up call is too late. We now must win two games, otherwise that is that with the World Cup. I don’t really understand why we played like we played because, really, we already had our wake-up call.”
Jonathan Pearce, Captain Robot Wars, had already identified the problem on co-commentary and called Germany out for not taking Leroy Sane to the tournament for a few reasons. First of all, Pearce knows who that is, he plays in England and also Pearce knows who that is. The fucking idiots.

I analysed the game with this in mind and did actually discover something pretty incredible about the game and Pearce's sharp eye has been proven accurate.


Clear evidence there that if Germany had been playing Chaos 2 at CB, Hummels attempt to win the ball at halfway would've been fine. Chaos 2 would have flipped the striker out the stadium and cleared the lines. I know I'm good but I can't be here every single time to fix these problems.

Robbie Williams sings at World Cup, we are all stuck in the 90s

Because there can be no happiness without suffering, the World Cup opening ceremony hired Robbie Williams' to perform his greatest hits live in a ceremony described by those who saw it as 'absolutely fine'.


Robbie went through all his football related hits, like funeral-favourite 'Angels' and song you only remember from being in the back of the car going to Debenhams on your already ruined weekend, 'that one that has a piano and goes 'REEEEEALL LOVE'.

To make it even better, some hot woman sang opera nonsense over the top, occasionally using words, mostly sounding like a sexy ghost. In terms of FIFA organised ceremonies it was entirely medium, which is presumably what they were going for when they hired sort-of star of the 90s, Mr Williams.

Robbie seems like an alright lad, even if he did come out dressed like an Eastern European magician or, as this fine man observed:


Friday, 8 June 2018

St Mirren hire Alan Stubbs instead of Guti or Kluivert

St Mirren were linked with Real Madrid legend Guti and European Cup winner and star of the 90s, Patrick Kluivert, for their vacant manager position, with both apparently keen to take on the job and use their wealth of experience to continue the good work of Jack Ross. But no. St Mirren knew they could do better. And they did. Arise, Alan Stubbs.


We laugh at people like Paul Merson and that Brexit scouse one on the Sky Sports when they go 'these foreigners don't understand the premier league' and then Marco Silva and Manuel Pellegrini turn up and win things, but for some reason, we're giving Scottish football license to do exactly that.

'St Mirren needs someone who knows Scottish football' was the line trotted out and while that may sound just like what Merson and Brexit Thompson say, there is a difference.

Because what that actually means is 'you can't do rondos on anything resembling flat grass on a scottish training pitch any time after November, you fanny' .

I can just imagine Kluivert now, getting his players learned in the movement and positional discipline required to replicate the Reenus Michels/Johan Cruyff school of thought, only to see Scott Brown throw himself head first in a spear tackle directly into the scrotum of the St Mirren goalkeeper. In the warm up.

good luck to you sir Alan Stubbs.

Amazon now have Premier League rights

Buckle up football fans because now you can watch your favourite multinational entertainment company on another broadcaster! This time it's online, providing you with reason to sign up for another monthly subscription service you only really use to watch episodes of the US Office.


The deal that Amazon made was to get 20 games of Premier League action, which sounds pretty good before you realise that those are for two of the rounds of 10 games midweek, which all happen at the same time. Luckily, the many thousands of people who forgot to cancel their free Prime membership will now have the opportunity to enjoy Wolves vs Southampton, a 1-1 spectacular in stuttering HD, broadcast live to their iPad they dropped and smashed into bits one night while smashed.

Alternatively they could stream it online like people do. The thing I love most about being a human is the consumerism.

Jonny Evans is cheap now

Leicester have landed themselves a bargain by signing Jonny Evans for £3.5million just under a year after West Brom turned down bids of £20something million from Arsenal and the like, then got relegated. Well done lads.

Here's a picture of Evans in his true form, which is a strange two armed octopus, with one tentacle and one sword, designed for battle. That is all I have to say about Jonny Evans other than that he seems like a good lad. Stealing a taxi in a foreign country because you really want McDonalds is funny at the best of times, but doing so when you're not even pissed makes it much better. Can you imagine how bored he must have been for that to feel like a good idea? 

Thursday, 7 June 2018

Armed robbers steal $360,000 of World Cup stickers from Panini factory

In terrifying scenes, armed gunmen have robbed a printing house in Argentina of hundreds of thousands of Panini World Cup stickers, making away with something like $360,000 of the things, which is just slightly less than I think I spent trying to complete the Euro 2016 book.


Here's a small handful of the things that I have lying around in a desk. This isn't even the full number of the spares I have for a book I will never finish. All that money, all that time, all that effort... and yet what I have is a a worthless bunch of pages, some completed, most annoyingly empty. I can't throw it out but I have no need for it at all, it is in fact, a depressing metaphor for your life. You and all your friends. Ants, just numbers. You walk the corridors of the underground to get to the north bound platform, a sudden flood of water fills the hallway and you drown along with the other hundreds, sent floating onto a train track that won't take you anywhere, remembered in passing with a brief 'leaving over 400 dead' line from Huw Edwards on the news. And then he goes 'and finally, armed robbers have stolen over $360,000 of stickers from a Panini factory in Argentina, with the mastermind behind the crime admitting afterwards that even though he now has 20,000 Andre Silvas, he's still missing the Senegal reserve left-back'

Tuesday, 5 June 2018

Loris Karius has a bad brain

Remember when Loris Karius let in two of the most embarrassing, dreadful goals you have ever seen broadcast on a television by a professional goalkeeper and ruined all of the hopes and dreams of Liverpool players, staff and fans forever? Well that's fine now cos apparently cos his brain wasn't working.

That's right sports fans, Loris Karius only let in that goal where he threw the ball directly off Benzema from a yard away, and only failed to put his hands in the way of a shot pumped straight at him because Sergio Ramos knocked him in the head.

Top scientists are now trying to make sure football changes rules to protect more players from head injuries. Their conclusions so far have been 'stop playing sport as a job' and other things that scientists would say because they're such nerds. 

Yaya Toure's agent is absolutely mental

Yaya Toure, the adult man who once threw a tantrum because he didn't get a cake for his 30th birthday from his employer, has blasted - BLASTED, CAROL! - Pep Guardiola for not liking Africans. Or rather his agent has.



According to Yaya Toure's agent, who's a real whizz when it comes to being an agent, Yaya is so annoyed with Guardiola and his hatred for all African people that he now wants to play for any top six side for £1 a week (plus bonuses...) just so he can play against and beat Man City. It reminds me of the time my old boss hated all of Scotland because I didn't bother turning up for work a couple of times.

Somewhere in the real world, an actual human (Yaya's agent) said this. In 2018:
"He turned all Africa against himself, many African fans turned away from Manchester City. And I’m sure that many African shamans in the future will not allow Guardiola to win the Champions League. This will be for Guardiola an African curse. Life will show whether I am right or not.”
Is his agent doing some sort of forfeit? Is this real? Or is he like some insane Daniel Day Lewis-level actor, stuck inside a character he created long ago. Is he Daniel Day Lewis?

To reflect the African shaman curse, bookmakers have put Man City at 80 hundred billion/1 to win the Champions League, which is just slightly better than the odds Yaya Toure will bang his agent. That's my only other explanation as to why he's acting like such a tool.

Friday, 1 June 2018

Raheem Sterling is late for training and also evil

Raheem Sterling has said sorry to his England teammates for accidentally completely fucking up his travel arrangements and turning up to training about 12 hours later than he was supposed to.



While I would be in serious trouble for doing something similar, Gareth Southgate AKA 'the nicemn' instead said through gritted teeth that it was fine and that his awful tattoo of a gun is fine and that the edge is fine and thank the lord, because can you imagine what would have happened on the twitter if he'd suggested anything bad about Sterling?

If the world was about to end, I'm pretty sure those same people who always seem to be on twitter would be on twitter writing about the end of the world. I'd even bet on it, perhaps using NetBet. Of course, they'd never retweet anything, unless it's a quote tweet which as we all know is the biggest jerk move you can make in real life. Look at me, I am the best, I have quote tweeted this person because I am the best. Why don't people retweet anymore? Why is it like? Nobody else sees it if you like it. I hate twitter.

The masses on the internet are now raging at all the newspapers for daring to print an actual news story on Raheem Sterling because he has been smeared over the previous few weeks. It's a little bit like the boy who cried wolf except the sheep are footballs and the boy is black.

Anyway, Sterling has said that his tattoo is of an M16 rifle because his dad was, and I quote, "gunned down to death" as opposed to being gunned down to... not death and I can therefore only assume that his dad was a character in call of duty, which is incredibly sad. It also is genuinely upsetting that his dad was shot to death by an assault rifle, and therefore pertinent that Sterling has decided because he shoots with his right foot, that is a nice tribute to his dad. lovely.

In a similar move to Sterling's decision to have the method of his father's death tattooed onto his leg,  to remember a deeply upsetting moment in my own life, I have decided to get a picture of a Hewlett-Packard printer which will never ever join the wifi network sellotaped to my head.

New Mastercard pledge means if Neymar and Messi don't score, Carribean children will die

Mastercard have made a #heartfelt pledge to address the imbalance of poverty and starvation in the world, looking to protect vulnerable children in Latin America and the Carribean by promising to donate 10,000 meals to children there for every goal Lionel Messi and Neymar score.



Instead of just fucking paying for the meals in the first place, it's nice to know that a multi-billion pound credit card company has agreed to forego this expenditure purely in the name of charity, helping create something priceless, like free publicity for those who cannot afford food. Those kids are going to love eating all that internet. Mmm mmmmm.

As ever with starving children, there is a downside. And if Messi should happen to clang a free-kick off the crossbar, not only will the children not get their meals, but they will hurled into the sea. First the meals, then the children.

Whoever is playing Argentina and Brazil last should just let them score a fucking million goals, making it Saudi Arabia 0 Argentina 29,000,000. Andy Townsend going "if anything Clive, that's too many meals!"

And then Neymar misses a penalty. "CREDIT CARD ASSISTANT, WE MUST ENSURE THAT MORE CARIBBEAN YOUTHS PERISH"

Zinedine Zidane rides off into the sunset on motorbike wearing shades; Real Madrid need new manager

Zinedine Zidane has quit his job as manager of Real Madrid, having led the team to three straight Champions League victories and quitting before anyone realises that he hasn't actually done that much.



Oh Zidane, you are the best manager ever. Can you even believe it? Three Champs Leagues in a row with only the best individual players in the world, having had several years working together to become an actual team before he even took over. A genius.

Now Real Madrid must decide who replaces Zidane to manage a team who absolutely no way will win a fourth in a row, because that is mental. It's a job for someone who always gets close but never quite seals the deal. Enter: Arsene Wenger!

That's right, ol' Arsene turned down Real Madrid while overseeing that pesky stadium move and is now second favourite to become the new Real Madrid manager, with various places offering odds on his as such You can check out Novibet if you like and see just what those are, but I'll tell you for free that Mauricio Pochettino is their first choice. How apt that Spurs lead Arsenal in this regard too. Wenger's really left a tremendous legacy. 'Close is good enough!' will adorn the posters of many a wall, except with 'fam' or 'blud' written before the !

And so here we are. Zidane, a true legend of the managerial game after 2 and a half seasons where he was like 'Ronaldo, do a goal' and then Ronaldo did a goal or went 'Toni Kroos, dominate the midfield with your passing and moving please' and then Toni Kroos did exactly that, has left the Bernebue, walking off into the distance with explosions going off behind him, police helicopters crashing into the ground and an AC/DC track playing out of... something.

There he is, speeding along the highway in his Dodge Viper - or whatever the thing from Vanishing Point is - and in his place, Wenger, a man who spent 89 years driving at the speed limit to avoid getting a ticket that he could easily pay. A man who makes sure he doesn't get charged for tap water at the restaurant. A man who eats loads of the bread so he doesn't need to get a starter as well. A man who who prefers wine in his garden. A man who thinks Alex Iwobi doesn't have much to improve on. I have loads more of these.

Also I should be clear that the title to this means Zidane is wearing shades, not the motorbike. That would just be silly! lol!


Marco Silva just doesn't care

A few months after flying Watford into the side of a mountain, Marco Silva has finally taken his dream job of being Everton manager for a couple of years. Watford are very pleased about it!


They are in fact so happy about it that they plan to take Everton to court and say 'how dare you steal our manager' and then some other adults wearing fancy dress can be all important in one of those fancy halls and say 'I decree' (because they can say decree) this and that and Everton will have to pay a few million probably. It doesn't really matter.

This is like trying to get your money back for a pint that you had because it was the last one in the barrel and the barman just wasn't that great at pouring it. "That man over there has a perfect pint" you argue, but everyone has already moved on. Just buy another pint ffs.