Friday, 21 July 2017

England absolutely hump Scotland except women

It's Euro 2017, the women's version, which is the same as the men's but with women... instead of men. And if you or anyone you know suggests that it isn't absolutely brilliant, top notch stuff then you are a sexist of unimaginable horror.

Exceptions can legitimately be when watching Scotland, who are absolutely horse at football regardless of gender.

This goal, England's fourth, was a veritable peach. A goal for all women's football. Clever movement, a Hollywood pass and a lovely little finish over the keeper. But now we must talk about the goalkeeper.

Scotland Goalkeeper (actual name) is very small. She is also shit. If you were to ask me for a football betting offer, I would tell you that should you place money that you own on Scotland conceding goals every time she plays, you would make some money. And isn't that the point of football anyway? To bet on everything. You can't just enjoy the game and watch the drama that unfolds - oh god no. Now it is law to watch the beautiful game and risk your house on it.

What's that little Timmy? You need surgery and it's going to cost money? Well I'm very sorry but I really thought Curtis Davies was going to score a hat-trick before the 38th minute in a friendly against Rotherham. I just had a feeling. Sorry about your surgery but I think you'll find the afterlife very pleasant at this time of year. And if you don't die then you can watch Scotland play football and wish that you had.

Perhaps this Euro 2017 tournament will be the one to thrust women's football into your hearts and eyes, and if it is, that means there is yet another summer tournament of football to allow adverts to encourage you to 'have a bang on that' until the day you wake up on some bin bags behind a nightclub which used to be a church, regretting your decisions.