Hello and welcome to the first and possibly last edition of me giving you a basic run down on what happens on Game of Thrones - a show I don't really like but which I seem to watch anyway. I can't tell if it's social pressure or not. Anyway, just to make things more confusing we're going to start with Episode Two.
By the way, there are LOTS OF SPOILERS.
By the way, there are LOTS OF SPOILERS.
And we're off.
5 mins: The theme music has played and now we're with that boy with no legs and his disabled giant friend. They do a Ghost of Christmas Past thing to watch some children I don't know. It turns out they're meant to be Sean Bean but when he was a kid, and the disabled giant is actually a normal kid called Willis or Wilson. I've already forgotten. And now disabled child - WHOSE VOICE HAS BROKEN :D - is talking about a three eyed raven. No tits yet.
10 mins: That guy from the North East of England with a beard who loved that twat Stanis (does North East have capital letters?) is doing something in somewhere dark and now some giant thing is free, and that guy who used to be in Man Stroke Woman is talking to someone about how they killed Jon Snow.
15 mins: OK now some knight thing which doesn't talk has just killed this pissed guy who is trying to pee on the wall of a building somewhere. He's been chatting shit about Sersai (Sers Eye) - whoever that is. I think it's the blonde one that banged her brother Jamie, whose name I do remember. Incest Queen is not allowed to go to her daughter's funeral. I have literally no idea who her daughter is.
18 mins: Jamie, who looks a lot like a teddy bear, is talking about protecting the realm with his kid who isn't dead. WTF he has a wife?! Oh yeeeeh it's Natalie Dormer. An old homeless man comes to talk about stones - he's that religious one that won't let incest queen out of jail. A lot of people in this show don't actually do anything. They're always just sitting in a giant room doing fuck all - it must be incredibly boring. No wonder they're all shagging and stabbing each other. OOOOHHHH the religious guy has brought some ninja monk people. He's bad.
20 mins: I think I've misunderstood or not listened to something important here because Jamie hasn't been killed yet and the religious hobo is on about teaming up to start an empire. Now not-dead incest baby King is talking to his mum about how he shouldn't have left her in jail for like a year. Things are looking up for Incest Queen!
25 mins: Here's Peter Dinklage doing an English accent with that bald one. The really hot girl from Hollyoaks is in this scene for no real reason so already I'm excited.
They're talking about dragons so naturally I've kinda zoned out but I think Peter Dinklage might be about to meet a dragon. Here come the lads! Peter Dinklage has a petrol torch thing and is in that underground cave where Amelia Clarke hid them cos they were being a pain in the tits. Peter Dinklage is talking to the dragons in English literally saying "I know your mum". That works apparently.
OH SNAP! He's just taken off their neck braces. Rather than eating anyone they've just fucked off back into the cave.
30 mins: It's time for another change of location to try and manage the 39 storylines going on at once and it's newly blind homeless girl, who has just been started on by that girl who beat her up with a stick last week. Now the creepy guy who changes faces is here and he's chatting to her about eyes and how if she has a name then she doesn't get eyes. SHE HAS NO NAME she says and apparently she's passed the test. The test of being started on while blind. Still no tits, although on this occasion obviously I'm glad.
32 mins: Lord Bolton - not Sam Allardyce - has just learned that he's had a kid and now that rapey mental one has STABBED HIM wtf is going on. Did not see that coming. Rapey Penis Chopper has just stabbed and killed his dad and I'm not entirely sure why. The assistant that came along to tell him the good news is just like "oh that's not good" and is now begrudgingly going along with the plan, which is to pretend his dad died of poison.
35 mins: I think the one his dad just had a baby with is a very overweight girl. Lord Bolton has dropped his standards there although it looks like Rapey Creep Creep is going to feed the little baby to the dogs. Ahh yes he literally is. Because for some reason, this show needs to make him seem a little bit more mental. It's about one falling anvil away from a cartoon and a pointy witch's hat away from being Rita from the Power Rangers.
38 mins: I am now bored again as Lily Allen's brother is crying about Newly Hot Ginger because he would kill a 1000 horses or slay a hundred magic birds or some other warcrafty sentiment.
42 mins: Now we're in that house where Rapey Ramsey used to live and his sister, who he finger banged, also lives. That was a weird story. Not really sure what's happening but they're doing a literal version of the Monty Python bridge sketch. "LET ME PASS" the old guy says while standing on a rope bridge. No mention of sparrows yet.
I started reading something on the internet instead but now some guy I've never seen before has stabbed and thrown the old guy over the rope bridge. I honestly do not like this show. No idea why I keep watching it. WHO WERE THOSE PEOPLE? They need to cut down the amount of characters by about 70%.
44 mins: "I swear it by the sword throne" says fingerbanged sister. what the fuck does that mean. Getting tired of this. They're watching something or someone be buried at sea in what is clearly Ireland or Northern Ireland. But cos this is GoT it'll be called IrondarkWing or something.
45 mins: Now we're talking! Hot fire tits woman is here and holding a hot water bottle or something to get warm. She's back in hot form and not old woman form like the end of the last one. Pretty sure she's going to bring Jon Snow back to life because Captain Birds Eye from Sunderland is trying to get her to do some magic.
47 mins: She's washing Jon Snow with a cloth now. He's been dead for about a week now but we know he's coming back to life cos Kit Harrington the actor still has the long hair. Hot Fire Tits is now saying made up magic words and chucking stuff, including his hair and beard hair, into a fire. If I don't see tits soon I'm going to be raging.
50 mins: More made up gibberish words. Nerds must love this stuff. She has her hands on his body, which is riddled with more stab wounds than... I dunno... I can't think of anything right now but there are a lot. The music is getting dramatic, she's doing gibberish, Captain Birdseye of Sunderland is exchanging glances with giant ginger man.
It hasn't worked. Jon Snow is still dead. There is 1 minute left though so I'm pretty sure he's going to just wake up by then, probably right before the credits roll.
Lots of shots of Jon Snow being dead and then his dog. His dog wakes up... which is blatant symbolism for... JON SNOW IS ALIVE! And the credits roll.
ffs they're not even trying
That's the end. No tits, lots of characters I either don't remember or don't know, dragons, english accents, and now Jon Snow has come back to life. Game of Thrones is pish.