Thursday, 5 May 2016

Craig Burley wants none of this nerd nonsense and is a twat

Below-average ex-footballer Craig Burley gave all of his anger to Gabriele Marcotti (not the pirate singer) live on ESPN this week as he explained why Pep Guardiola is bad at being a football manager and so help me he will shout over you so loud if you don't realise you are wrong.

Marcotti suggested that the reason Bayern Munich went out of the Champions League is that they didn't take their chances during the 2-1 win over Atletico Madrid and that if they had we wouldn't be questioning Pep Guardiola's ability as a manager. Burley, with the wit of a rock monster, grew ever more furious. When the journalist mentioned Expected Goals, he grew apoplectic. And yes that is the first time I've ever used that word.

"I EXPECT THINGS FOR CHRISTMAS!" he yelled, as Marcotti sat there, perplexed as to quite how Burley had managed to misinterpret this reading of data so badly. "IT'S RESULTS THAT MATTER, GABRIELE" he shouted even louder before saying "DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF THIS NERD NONSENSE".

Craig Burley is correct. We all learned that Alex Ferguson should have been fired when he didn't win the Champions League most years, and thinking about it, Arrigo Sacchi didn't win Serie A a few times too and was also awful. Sack Guardiola! Cut off his head! What has this tippy tappy nonsense ever won? Hmm? Nothing! What the people want is BIG TACKLES but you don't get them anymore do you? Not like in the old days when children had to eat metal for breakfast.

Craig Burley is that guy who wins the quiz because he throws a kettle over a pub. If he meets a student and asks "What are you studying?" and you say "English" he goes "do you not speak English like?" and then he looks around the area to try and get others to join in the laughing. "I went to the university of life, son" he dribbles into his pint.

The kind of pundit who asserts the reason a team loses is because they "didn't want it enough" and need "more passion". The kind of pundit who naturally gifted at running and kicking things, doesn't understand how thinking about stuff works sometimes. The kind of pundit who would have led the pitchfork crowd into burning the brain surgeon alive. "You need leaches, not this nerd nonsense."

Craig Burley is the reason Scotland are still absolutely useless at football. Praising people who run 70 yards to make a slide tackle, applauding a defender hoofing the ball into fucking orbit because it's "safety first".

Craig Burley, you are the reason I drink. Well that's actually probably mild alcoholsim, but because I think that, it means I'm not one. I read that online while Googling "am I an alcoholic" which should probably have concerned me anyway. Fortunately I am often too drunk to remember about it.