Sunday, 22 May 2016

Louis Van Gaal just wants to be loved

Louis Van Gaal won the FA Cup on Saturday and was rewarded by lots of journalists asking him about whether he'll still be manager next season, because nobody is allowed to enjoy anything anymore.

Ed Woodward has cashed out early on his LVG plan and hired the mercenary Jose Mourinho because United fans keep moaning about only finishing near the top four. While the spoilt supporters cry over dull football, the good news is that Mourinho's title winning sides have all been incredibly fucking boring to watch. It also spells the end of Marcus Rashford and Jesse Lingard's development at the club as Mourinho sends them to Serie B on loan until they are 28 and ready to track back more.

Hibs and Rangers fans celebrate cup final by punching each other

Hibs won the Scottish Cup on Saturday and the fans were so happy about it that they all ran onto the pitch and started punching each other, while commentators pretended that they didn't want to see those scenes.

After winning the trophy, Hibs fans stormed the Hampden pitch, sitting on goal posts and - according to Rangers - assaulting some of the players and staff. The commentary team on Sky Sports made it very clear that nobody wants to see this kind of thing, which is strange, because literally everybody does. It was ace. Who doesn't want to watch 10,000 mental, pissed up idiots punch each other in a huge rammy, from the safety of their own home?

Hibs have declared that they will have the families of all of those involved executed while Rangers have gone down the route of making sure Hibs get all the blame, even though hundreds of their undead supporters came streaming onto the pitch for the sole purpose of fighting. While I don't condone the behaviour of both sets of fans, I will happily watch them beat each other up. For hours.

Thursday, 12 May 2016

Jamie Vardy: The Movie

Here is the trailer for Jamie Vardy: The Movie (talk nonsense, achieve full penetration).

In this video you get to find out about all the amazing things that will happen in the actual movie when they make it, with some revelations about the starring cast. I can't wait to see it.

Now go and share it with your friends on Snapchat, since that is where the kids  go these days. I have absolutely no idea how to use Snapchat.

Thursday, 5 May 2016

Fellaini and Huth are totally banned

Marouane Fellaini and Robert Huth have been banned for three games each for murdering an entire village of children in order to become stronger with the dark side. Also, hair pulling.

Both Huth and Fellaini will miss the end of the season because Huth pulled Fellaini's hair, and Fellaini elbowed him in the head as a response.

To me the suspension seems harsh as the eye for an eye punishment dished out by both is more than adequate. It reminds me of draconian treatment I received that time that a man fondled my balls as part of what he said was a routine inspection, after asking me to remove my trousers and pants in response to a personal question I asked him, during an appointment I had booked. I had to kick him in the face as retaliation and then escape out of the window.

Sadly, I am no longer welcome in the Clydesdale Bank

Cesc Fabregas wants to play with your balls

Cesc Fabregas is in trouble because Spurs players have accused of him starting a riot by slapping various players in the groin area, which is doctor code for your balls.

Cesc is alleged to have carried out the aggressive fondling as Spurs did a Hibs and conceded two goals to throw away their chances of winning the league and the game they had been winning in. When asked why he did the slapping, Cesc replied "I read in the Walkthrough Guide that that is the weakness" before smashing some pots, chasing some chickens around the village and then trying to solve the middle east peace problem in his own mind, which is only slightly more difficult than the water temple level on Ocarina of Time. Which is what I was referencing there.

Craig Burley wants none of this nerd nonsense and is a twat

Below-average ex-footballer Craig Burley gave all of his anger to Gabriele Marcotti (not the pirate singer) live on ESPN this week as he explained why Pep Guardiola is bad at being a football manager and so help me he will shout over you so loud if you don't realise you are wrong.

Marcotti suggested that the reason Bayern Munich went out of the Champions League is that they didn't take their chances during the 2-1 win over Atletico Madrid and that if they had we wouldn't be questioning Pep Guardiola's ability as a manager. Burley, with the wit of a rock monster, grew ever more furious. When the journalist mentioned Expected Goals, he grew apoplectic. And yes that is the first time I've ever used that word.

"I EXPECT THINGS FOR CHRISTMAS!" he yelled, as Marcotti sat there, perplexed as to quite how Burley had managed to misinterpret this reading of data so badly. "IT'S RESULTS THAT MATTER, GABRIELE" he shouted even louder before saying "DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF THIS NERD NONSENSE".

Craig Burley is correct. We all learned that Alex Ferguson should have been fired when he didn't win the Champions League most years, and thinking about it, Arrigo Sacchi didn't win Serie A a few times too and was also awful. Sack Guardiola! Cut off his head! What has this tippy tappy nonsense ever won? Hmm? Nothing! What the people want is BIG TACKLES but you don't get them anymore do you? Not like in the old days when children had to eat metal for breakfast.

Craig Burley is that guy who wins the quiz because he throws a kettle over a pub. If he meets a student and asks "What are you studying?" and you say "English" he goes "do you not speak English like?" and then he looks around the area to try and get others to join in the laughing. "I went to the university of life, son" he dribbles into his pint.

The kind of pundit who asserts the reason a team loses is because they "didn't want it enough" and need "more passion". The kind of pundit who naturally gifted at running and kicking things, doesn't understand how thinking about stuff works sometimes. The kind of pundit who would have led the pitchfork crowd into burning the brain surgeon alive. "You need leaches, not this nerd nonsense."

Craig Burley is the reason Scotland are still absolutely useless at football. Praising people who run 70 yards to make a slide tackle, applauding a defender hoofing the ball into fucking orbit because it's "safety first".

Craig Burley, you are the reason I drink. Well that's actually probably mild alcoholsim, but because I think that, it means I'm not one. I read that online while Googling "am I an alcoholic" which should probably have concerned me anyway. Fortunately I am often too drunk to remember about it.

Tuesday, 3 May 2016

Game of Thrones S06E02: Watch with me

Hello and welcome to the first and possibly last edition of me giving you a basic run down on what happens on Game of Thrones - a show I don't really like but which I seem to watch anyway. I can't tell if it's social pressure or not. Anyway, just to make things more confusing we're going to start with Episode Two.

By the way, there are LOTS OF SPOILERS.

And we're off.

5 mins: The theme music has played and now we're with that boy with no legs and his disabled giant friend. They do a Ghost of Christmas Past thing to watch some children I don't know. It turns out they're meant to be Sean Bean but when he was a kid, and the disabled giant is actually a normal kid called Willis or Wilson. I've already forgotten. And now disabled child - WHOSE VOICE HAS BROKEN :D - is talking about a three eyed raven. No tits yet.

10 mins: That guy from the North East of England with a beard who loved that twat Stanis (does North East have capital letters?) is doing something in somewhere dark and now some giant thing is free, and that guy who used to be in Man Stroke Woman is talking to someone about how they killed Jon Snow.

15 mins: OK now some knight thing which doesn't talk has just killed this pissed guy who is trying to pee on the wall of a building somewhere. He's been chatting shit about Sersai (Sers Eye) - whoever that is. I think it's the blonde one that banged her brother Jamie, whose name I do remember. Incest Queen is not allowed to go to her daughter's funeral. I have literally no idea who her daughter is.

18 mins: Jamie, who looks a lot like a teddy bear, is talking about protecting the realm with his kid who isn't dead. WTF he has a wife?! Oh yeeeeh it's Natalie Dormer. An old homeless man comes to talk about stones - he's that religious one that won't let incest queen out of jail. A lot of people in this show don't actually do anything. They're always just sitting in a giant room doing fuck all - it must be incredibly boring. No wonder they're all shagging and stabbing each other. OOOOHHHH the religious guy has brought some ninja monk people. He's bad.

20 mins: I think I've misunderstood or not listened to something important here because Jamie hasn't been killed yet and the religious hobo is on about teaming up to start an empire. Now not-dead incest baby King is talking to his mum about how he shouldn't have left her in jail for like a year. Things are looking up for Incest Queen!

25 mins: Here's Peter Dinklage doing an English accent with that bald one. The really hot girl from Hollyoaks is in this scene for no real reason so already I'm excited.

They're talking about dragons so naturally I've kinda zoned out but I think Peter Dinklage might be about to meet a dragon. Here come the lads! Peter Dinklage has a petrol torch thing and is in that underground cave where Amelia Clarke hid them cos they were being a pain in the tits. Peter Dinklage is talking to the dragons in English literally saying "I know your mum". That works apparently.

OH SNAP! He's just taken off their neck braces. Rather than eating anyone they've just fucked off back into the cave.

30 mins: It's time for another change of location to try and manage the 39 storylines going on at once and it's newly blind homeless girl, who has just been started on by that girl who beat her up with a stick last week. Now the creepy guy who changes faces is here and he's chatting to her about eyes and how if she has a name then she doesn't get eyes. SHE HAS NO NAME she says and apparently she's passed the test. The test of being started on while blind. Still no tits, although on this occasion obviously I'm glad.

32 mins: Lord Bolton - not Sam Allardyce - has just learned that he's had a kid and now that rapey mental one has STABBED HIM wtf is going on. Did not see that coming. Rapey Penis Chopper has just stabbed and killed his dad and I'm not entirely sure why. The assistant that came along to tell him the good news is just like "oh that's not good" and is now begrudgingly going along with the plan, which is to pretend his dad died of poison.

35 mins: I think the one his dad just had a baby with is a very overweight girl. Lord Bolton has dropped his standards there although it looks like Rapey Creep Creep is going to feed the little baby to the dogs. Ahh yes he literally is. Because for some reason, this show needs to make him seem a little bit more mental. It's about one falling anvil away from a cartoon and a pointy witch's hat away from being Rita from the Power Rangers.

38 mins: I am now bored again as Lily Allen's brother is crying about Newly Hot Ginger because he would kill a 1000 horses or slay a hundred magic birds or some other warcrafty sentiment.

42 mins: Now we're in that house where Rapey Ramsey used to live and his sister, who he finger banged, also lives. That was a weird story. Not really sure what's happening but they're doing a literal version of the Monty Python bridge sketch. "LET ME PASS" the old guy says while standing on a rope bridge. No mention of sparrows yet.

I started reading something on the internet instead but now some guy I've never seen before has stabbed and thrown the old guy over the rope bridge. I honestly do not like this show. No idea why I keep watching it. WHO WERE THOSE PEOPLE? They need to cut down the amount of characters by about 70%.

44 mins: "I swear it by the sword throne" says fingerbanged sister. what the fuck does that mean. Getting tired of this. They're watching something or someone be buried at sea in what is clearly Ireland or Northern Ireland. But cos this is GoT it'll be called IrondarkWing or something.

45 mins: Now we're talking! Hot fire tits woman is here and holding a hot water bottle or something to get warm. She's back in hot form and not old woman form like the end of the last one. Pretty sure she's going to bring Jon Snow back to life because Captain Birds Eye from Sunderland is trying to get her to do some magic.

47 mins: She's washing Jon Snow with a cloth now. He's been dead for about a week now but we know he's coming back to life cos Kit Harrington the actor still has the long hair. Hot Fire Tits is now saying made up magic words and chucking stuff, including his hair and beard hair, into a fire. If I don't see tits soon I'm going to be raging.

50 mins: More made up gibberish words. Nerds must love this stuff. She has her hands on his body, which is riddled with more stab wounds than... I dunno... I can't think of anything right now but there are a lot. The music is getting dramatic, she's doing gibberish, Captain Birdseye of Sunderland is exchanging glances with giant ginger man.

It hasn't worked. Jon Snow is still dead. There is 1 minute left though so I'm pretty sure he's going to just wake up by then, probably right before the credits roll.

Lots of shots of Jon Snow being dead and then his dog. His dog wakes up... which is blatant symbolism for... JON SNOW IS ALIVE! And the credits roll.

ffs they're not even trying

That's the end. No tits, lots of characters I either don't remember or don't know, dragons, english accents, and now Jon Snow has come back to life. Game of Thrones is pish.

Monday, 2 May 2016

Arsenal fans are the worst

Arsene Wenger was just doing the same job he's been doing successfully for 20 years when a bunch of YouTube arseholes started some campaign to get him fired because they need the attention and waaaaah they want a league title #wengerout

Look at them. There were about 1% of people in the Emirates who joined in the 'Time For Change' social media witch hunt which the fans have started. Sure, Arsenal might have done better this year and yeh, it probably is annoying that you can't just buy Ronaldo like you can on Fifa Ultimate Team, but campaigning to get one of the greatest managers in the game's history makes me angrier than when I get killed on Star Wars because of Lag or some teenager.

These boys need shooting. I played 7 a side with one of these Arsenal Fan celebrities once. He scored a goal from the equivalent of 20 yards out on the volley, then celebrated by raising his hands in the air and then doing the "shush" thing. At 7 a sides. There was no one watching.

There are few times in my life where i've actively wanted a terrorist attack to happen. Just stood there trying to summon the Islamic State like it's the special move button on Golden Axe.

Leicester haven't won the league yet

Leicester City fans and players are getting ready for the most underwhelming end to their incredible league season as they watch Spurs draw with Chelsea tonight to win the most amazing sporting title of all time on a Monday night while not actually playing.

All this time we've been waiting for Leicester to do it but you just know Spurs are going to do a Spurs and draw tonight. And if they win, I was never here. It'll be the worst anticlimax since that time I walked into my Uncle's room without knocking first.

...But seriously it'll be a real let down. Like finding out you've won £40k on the lottery but you still have to live in Birmingham.

One player who won't be able to make a difference tonight is Dele Alli who is banned for punching someone in the stomach very hard. What a nice young man, get him on the plane roy. Rat-faced Japanese hater, Jamie Vardy, will also miss out because he is suspended. Also, because he plays for Leicester.

Mamadou Sakho is bad

African American Liverpool defender, Mamadou Sakho, has been banned from life after failing a drugs test.

Sakho is alleged to have taken a fat burner supplement which is banned by UEFA and will now probably miss Euro 2016 and possibly even more football after that because of his insatiable thirst for delicious drugs.

Apparently Sakho failed the test when answering the question "Do you like drugs" with "No... I love them! Also I am on drugs right now."

The good thing about Mamadou Sakho is that his first name is from that Pixie Lott song and Pixie Lott is hot as fuck.

There are collapsed villages in Syria which have taken less damage than Pixie Lott has in my dreams.