Saturday, 23 April 2016

"I'm actually a whale shark" says Harry Kane

Tottenham and England striker Harry Kane sent shockwaves through the footballing world this afternoon after admitting he was actually a whale shark posing as a Premier League footballer.
Whilst many conspiracy theorists had the 22-year-old down as some sort of aquatic being after many months of witnessing the deadly number 9 gliding about White Hart Lane with his mouth open, many were not prepared for today's revelation in an exclusive press conference. 
"It's a relief to finally reveal to you all a secret I've been harbouring ever since I was born," said Kane.
"I am in fact a whale shark. Half-human, half-shark to be exact."
Whilst the Tottenham Hotspur press room looked on in amazement, the striker, who is at the time of writing a 20/1 outsider to win the Golden Boot at this year's Euro 2016 tournament in France, decided to clarify exactly what being half-human and half-shark really meant.
He said: "Just think of it like when Mr Spock from Star Trek was half-man and half-Vulcan, not full-Vulcan which is very a common misconception currently held about one of my favourite TV shows." 
"Unlike most footballers, my favourite way to unwind after a match is to sit in a giant tank and gnaw on a blowfish or a piece of debris from a washing machine, I'm not too fussy."
Whilst the packed room of red-top newspaper journalists clamoured to ask the England starlet questions, the impromptu press conference was cut short after it emerged he was late for feeding time at a local Sea Life centre.
"He always seemed to play better in wet conditions which of course now makes perfect sense," said one onlooker following the conference.
"This revelation will certainly give Roy Hodgson a selection headache for this year's Euros. With team-mate Wayne Rooney also rumoured to be half-man, half-Cape Lobster, putting these two on the pitch at the same time could result in a blood bath."

With England's appearance at this year's Euro 2016 tournament now less than two months away, many Three Lions fans are applauding the bravery required to make such an announcement from their number one striker.