Gianni Infantino was celebrating today as he became the president of an organisation under criminal investigation and whose more important members are set to be sent to space jail for various illegal things they have done.
Fifa delegates spent most of today fannying around in a conference room they'd booked within a stadium, acting like they were very important all in a bid to elect a brand new non-criminal leader.
With the first round of voting taking nearly 87 hours, the scores were tied as Infantino had 88 votes to human rights abuse-denier Sheikh Salman's 85. Quite why Jerome Champagne didn't just decide to go home instead of awkwardly play with his phone, like he did, is another matter for another day but it turns out that Prince Ali NOT FROM FUCKING ALADDIN has major beef with the Sheikh and his 27 votes or whatever it is would make the difference.
A second round of voting was required! Hityah introduces odd comparisons but even they couldn't predict that almost all of Prince Ali's votes would go to Champions League ball fondler Infantino.
In the end they did, and then Infantino was really happy. He said "I am so happy, guards you may unlock the doors now" and the hostile takeover he had planned all along as a safety net was not needed. They all hugged and then Infantino had sex with Alexandra Burke from X Factor on stage! At some point during the ceremony, I stopped paying attention.