Friday, 26 February 2016

Louis Van Gaal might know what he's doing

Louis Van Gaal managed to get a team full of average youth academy players to overturn a first leg deficit to the champions of Denmark, is still in the FA Cup and can probably finish fourth. FIRE HIM!



Manchester United fans, subjected to football that they haven't enjoyed, can't quite convince their brains that Sir Alex Ferguson, one of the greatest managers of all time, David Gill, an incredibly talented director of football, Ryan Giggs, one of the UK's all time great players and Paul Scholes, the ginger Xavi, all retiring at the same time might have had quite an adverse effect on how good Man Utd are and want to have LVG thrown into the Sarlak pit from Star Wars, or trampled to death or beaten to death with a hammer, or fired.

David Moyes made a fair old mess of things too but what are you supposed to do when Ed Woodward buys you Juan Mata for no particular reason and purchases Marouane Fellaini after his cheap buy it now clause has expired? You get fired, that's what!




Now that United are set to win the Uefa Cup, or at least they might if they beat Liverpool, fans who have said that Van Gaal is not very good and that Captain 3 Seasons Mourinho should be brought in probably feel a bit silly. Or they will until the see saw falls back to earth and they return trying to get a much revered European manager fired from his job.

You can watch the live scores during Man United's game against Liverpool in the Uefa Cup if you have a TV and want to. Or you can even watch it on the internet, like anyone who isn't an internet spastic. Search: Man Utd vs Liverpool stream, find one, don't install anything = success.

Why are BT Sport paying 20 billion for Chumps League when they could just Periscope it. Rio Ferdinand's punditry? Robot Wars? Is that what I'm paying for? Well I'm not, my Dad is but you know what I mean.

Anyway I'm going out. Have fun xxxx

How will Liverpool beat Manchester City?

The cup final that nobody cares about takes place on Sunday and the entire football watching populations of Malaysia, Singapore and Nigeria are excited, as the team most of them support takes on the one their children soon will. BUT WHO WILL WIN?


Liverpool have some players, Manchester City have some players - the FA has a referee. The ingredients are all there to make one delicious cake, or possibly a football match as Sky Sports insist on calling it. Hityah.com will probably even help you find odds on who will win the match - it's bloody mental.

Speaking of Sky Sports, did you know that Paul Merson and Jamie Redknapp and the rest of them all have to work five days a week at Sky? That's like a real job. I always thought the benefit of working in TV was that you just sort of turn up, do a wee rehearsal and then get to make jokes on camera for a bit. Then you get the money, the women, and you just get to sit around playing Nintendo until you decide to get pissed the next day.

But no. Apparently they have a job just like the rest of the plebs. When I worked at BT Sport Jonathan Pearce aka Robot Wars and Ian Darke and Jake and the LADZ used to be there all the time and one time David Ginola walked past and he was so goddamn handsome I swear it made me a bit more gay than usual. Honestly, if I met him a hotel bar like in Lost in Translation, I guarantee I'd end up banging him. That's if he'd fancy me first actually, but then everyone does don't they? Mustn't lose confidence.

So yeh Man City are playing Liverpool and I'll probably watch it. Who do you want to win? I want happiness to win. Whatever you said is worse than me. I am a better person. Send me money.

Gianni Infantino is the new king of Fifa, not crime

Gianni Infantino was celebrating today as he became the president of an organisation under criminal investigation and whose more important members are set to be sent to space jail for various illegal things they have done.


Fifa delegates spent most of today fannying around in a conference room they'd booked within a stadium, acting like they were very important all in a bid to elect a brand new non-criminal leader.

With the first round of voting taking nearly 87 hours, the scores were tied as Infantino had 88 votes to  human rights abuse-denier Sheikh Salman's 85. Quite why Jerome Champagne didn't just decide to go home instead of awkwardly play with his phone, like he did, is another matter for another day but it turns out that Prince Ali NOT FROM FUCKING ALADDIN has major beef with the Sheikh and his 27 votes or whatever it is would make the difference.



A second round of voting was required! Hityah introduces odd comparisons but even they couldn't predict that almost all of Prince Ali's votes would go to Champions League ball fondler Infantino.

In the end they did, and then Infantino was really happy. He said "I am so happy, guards you may unlock the doors now" and the hostile takeover he had planned all along as a safety net was not needed. They all hugged and then Infantino had sex with Alexandra Burke from X Factor on stage! At some point during the ceremony, I stopped paying attention.

Tuesday, 9 February 2016

Michael Owen is annoyed about stuff again

Champion of commentary, and our hearts, Michael Owen has gone tits over suggestions that he might not be the best person ever at detailing the goings on of live football matches.


The ex-England and Liverpool striker took to Twitter to hit back at all da haterz after they spotted some more excellent observations during the Man City vs Leicester game which Claudio Ranieri's team won 3-1.



Owen slammed the Daily Star for quoting his commentary, using inverted commas to imply that the "quotes" were false. To be fair, this isn't exactly far fetched for the Daily Star which I'm pretty sure is a law suit away from being required to be sold in the fiction section of WH Smith or wherever it is poor people buy newspapers from:
"Good old Daily Star. Probably sell around 33 copies a day compared to my 3.3m followers. #Desperate 
"In this day and age it's amazing how people can print such 'quotes' and get away with it. No wonder nobody buys such drivel nowadays."
 The thing is... I mean it is basically bullying when everyone climbs on top of Owen for being bad at commentary. It genuinely isn't the easiest thing doing co-commentary, especially when you're nervous, know that anything you say which is even slightly below insightful will be all over Twitter in seconds. Plus, if have the charisma of a potato it's going to be difficult to get going anyway.



While Owen did correctly point out that Leicester would win the match if the score remained at 1-0, during one of his "co-commentary" moments, some chap who lives somewhere I can't remember has been offered a real life Deal or No Deal offer by a betting company who are scared he might do them for £25k.

There are lots of betting places to choose from like betbind and others but this particular one I'm referring to has offered some guy £3k to buy his bet off him. He put a fiver on Leicester to win the league at 5000 to 1. I've been thinking about this for a full 24 hours and still don't know what I'd do. Noel Edmonds was in my office the other day actually. He doesn't look like a real person. Anyway, see you later.

Thursday, 4 February 2016

Gary Neville is not having fun in Spain

Gary Neville is really good at explaining what teams are doing wrong when he's on TV but after a 7-0 pumping to Barcelona, it seems like real life management is a bit more difficult than on a giant iPad.


Neville was asked three times after the defeat whether he would resign. The questions from the journalists were really good - the first two times he said "no" but on the third he said "actually yes, you have got me there, I am going to resign".

It wouldn't be a surprise if people who bet that Neville would leave his post before the end of season will receive some pennies from cash out sites soon, seeing as the pressure must be unbelievable. Not only do none of his players give a shit but they are also mostly awful and Neville doesn't speak Spanish so can't communicate with them. On that note, I love the idea that Chelsea want to hire Diego Simeone to inspire the players.

"Here you go Diego, anything you need let us know."
"Que?"
"Haha good one Diego."
[Diego Simeone stands alone in a room and waits for someone to come and get him]

So anyway, Neville is having a bad time and probably regrets that there's no Force Quit mode in real life. I've been playing Football Manager and just reloading when I lose because then it's not so annoying. I got so annoyed with it yesterday that I punched my printer and smashed a hole in it. I've only used it once. I don't really know how to end this. See you later.

Monday, 1 February 2016

Ed Woodward and the bargain bin

Here is a cartoon where Ed Woodward goes back to that shop that I keep using as an analogy for the transfer market.



As you can see, I've pretty much nailed the Abramovich voice now and there's something I find deeply funny about making Arsene Wenger sound like the most French man who ever existed. How long until I'm sued for image rights infringement is anyone's guess. Let's hope it's not soon though because I really can't afford it.