Thursday, 12 November 2015

John Terry is a centaur-back in this cartoon

Roman Abramovich shows Chelsea manager Jose Mourinho how he has fixed John Terry's lost legs in this animated cartoon which has inspired a sentence geared entirely towards SEO.

It's another of those short sketches that I do. I had assistance this time which probably explains why it's not awful and how the centaur-back thing came up - I'd never have thought of that on my own.

Enjoy! Have a nice time. Be nice to your people xxx

Wednesday, 4 November 2015

Steven Gerrard wants to prove how bad he is by going back to Liverpool

Steven Gerrard has plans to return to Liverpool now that the MLS season is over and he realises just how bad it is. He's been on the phone to Jurgen Klopp who might even offer him a playing contract!

Nobody outside of Liverpool and London, which is where all Liverpool supporters seem to be from, actually cares about Steven Gerrard coming back to the Premier League because he's really old and has been shit for about two full seasons. That's what age does, just because he won a Champions League it doesn't mean he's immortal. Also, The Beatles left Liverpool OK? They moved to London. There are better places than Liverpool.

Anyway, Klopp believes Gerrard can really set standards for the club as a role model and idol. The news couldn't come at a better time, with Phil Collins also announcing his comeback and the internet giving us the ability to buy a plethora of lovely football shirts at

Steven gerrard in a 2005 champions league football shirt
With Gerrard behind the scenes, an Anfield, it is hoped an entire generation will be far better equipped to fight any DJs who refuse to play Collins' new material in nightclubs.

New Aston Villa manager bans French language

Remi Garde has banned Aston Villa players from speaking French in the dressing room. Probably because he's so racist.

Hired as the new Aston Villa manager for at least the next 15 months until Villa are still 17th and then they hire someone else who isn't very good, Garde has already set out some of his key ideas and visions for the club. These include banning French players from speaking their own language:

"They have to learn English quickly. I don't want anybody speaking French in the dressing room. It is very important we understand each other. It's also important that the English players speak slowly sometimes at the beginning. Everyone has to make an effort."
After explaining his rationale behind the language decisions, Garde added "and if anyone in this room has any idea what language this thing speaks, please report to the science room afterwards" and then pointed at Alan Hutton, sitting drooling in the corner.

Van Gaal doesn't care if you don't like his team

Louis Van Gaal has told the world that of course he can hear when fans boo his team, that he isn't deaf and that Man United fans should stop being such whiny little bitches when their team is winning games.

Fans booed when Martial was taken off for Fellaini as United were drawing 0-0 with CSKA Moscow - a team who had lined up with 10 defenders and 8 goalkeepers on the pitch at the same time.
"I'm not deaf. That's the opinion of the fans but afterwards they shall not be disappointed"
Does nobody remember how utterly shite and boring United used to be in the Champions League?! They played a 451 the entire time and won it twice in like 20 years. It was boring. Fuck me - try watching ANY Scottish football over the last 30 years. Not losing by more than 7 goals to Celtic was a genuine accomplishment for Aberdeen for the majority of the late 90s. 

United, Chelsea and Arsenal all knocked out of the league cup

The Capital One cup was blown wide open this week when three of the teams you’d see as potential winners were thrown to one side, with United and Arsenal both losing to lower league opposition.

Okay, so there are always one or two shocks in any cup competition, but seriously, with the form the Gunners have been in recently – who really saw them getting battered by Sheffield Wednesday?

Whether you thought Arsene Wenger’s men were going to lose or not, the 3-0 score line will have shocked even the most loyal of Wednesday fans themselves.

It was a result that was thoroughly deserved, with Ross Wallace and Lucas João giving the home side a 2-0 lead going into half time, before Sam Hutchinson sealed a historic win for the Hillsborough based side just after the break.

A bad night was capped off when the extent of the injuries during the match to Alex Oxelade-Chamberlain, and the man who replaced him – Theo Walcott – was revealed.

The duo will miss around three weeks of action, but during that time they will miss two crucial Premier League matches against Swansea City and Tottenham Hotspur, and the Champions League match with Bayern Munich. The injury will also rule them out of England’s two glamour friendlies with Spain and France next month.

Chelsea’s tragic start to the season continues to break the hearts of fans who were celebrating winning the Premier League title less than half a year ago, whilst creating a rift of laughter amongst the remaining football fans across the country. Sports bookmaker Betway have lengthened their odds on winning the Premier League title to 40/1 – which is an absolute no chance.

Jon Walters of all people gave Stoke a 52nd minute league at the Britannia Stadium, and that goal looked like it would be enough to take the Potters straight through. That is until Loic Remy seemed to have come to the Blues rescue, but sadly for them – he was only delaying the inevitable.

The penalty shoot-out ensued, and once Stoke scored their first five Eden Hazard needed to score to keep Chelsea in the competition – which he didn’t, and more pressure was heaped onto the shoulders of the ‘not so special one’.

Man United were also victims of the wrath of a Championship side in a match which went 90 minutes without a goal, and also needed to be decided on penalties.

10,000 Middlesbrough fans were there to witness their club reaching the quarter finals of the cup as they secured their seventh penalty shoot-out win in nine attempts. United were left ruining missed opportunities, and also the laser pen which shone in Wayne Rooney’s face as he stepped up to take his penalty.

With those teams out it opens up the odds a little, but does mean Man City are now the run away favourites. Sheffield Weds are 33/1, Middlesbrough are 16/1 and Stoke are 8/1. City’s greatest rivals for the cup are Liverpool, who are seen at 5/1 odds.

Tuesday, 3 November 2015

Cesc Fabregas denies being the guy everyone suspects hates Mourinho

There's a quote going around football land at the moment by an unnamed Chelsea player which goes "I'd rather lose than play for Mourinho". Everyone thinks it's Cesc Fabregas but he says it's not. Case closed. OR IS IT?

I'd forgotten about that video. Anyway Fabregas went on Twitter to say this:
"I would like to clarify that contrary to a few reports from some websites, I am extremely happy at Chelsea and have an excellent relationship with the manager,"
This happened after the Secret Footballer, aka Dave Kitson and the friends he ropes in to make it look like Dave Kitson isn't the secret footballer, exposed the leader of the No MourinhoS club as none other than Cesc Fabregas. And when someone comes out to deny something, you know that means it might be true. Why, only three years ago my ex-girlfriend denied that that there was anything wrong with me, it was actually stuff wrong with her that meant we had to break up. I had the last laugh though, because she has been happily settled with someone else for a couple of years now and I am have been in a vacuum of despair and loneliness ever since. Who's wrong now! Game, set, match. :smug:

Steven Gerrard might retire in 2016

Steven Gerrard has left LA Galaxy fans devastated by hinting that he may retire in 2016 which is interesting because I've just realised it's actually only two months away.

As we all know, Steven Gerrard is 5th in line to be King of England after winning the World Cup of Champions in 2005 somewhere in Turkey. Most Liverpool fans have already forgotten that night, when Liverpool beat AC Milan 9-0 or whatever it was. Now, living it up in sunny Los Angeles, Gerrard has had enough:
"Going on the road, playing on [artificial] turf, playing at altitude, playing in humidity, those are the hurdles that I've had to face over the last three months that I wasn't aware of. Every away game has a different challenge."
Those hurdles sound tough but not as tough as actual hurdles, which are a lot higher than you might think. Hurdles I have had to face recently include summoning the effort to post something on this website instead of just sitting in silence alone in my room, trying to work out how many weeks I need to wait before I can rewatch the entirety of the US Office and have a lot of it feel newish. The answer is 12 weeks.

Jose Mourinho says everything is fine

Jose Mourinho has said that everything is absolutely fine at Chelsea and that the players definitely aren't having a mutiny against him. Mutiny. Like a pirate! How fun.

Mourinho was speaking at his weekly pre-match writers meeting, where journalists gather to try and get the wackiest quote out of him that they can. He told them that he knows what's going on but can't tell you so you'll have to guess:

"I know why. I would be here for a long time to explain, it is a combination of factors.
"Some of them I don't want to touch. But, yes, I know. Everything is football-related."

Secrets. Secrets everywhere! At least we know that everything is fine though and Mourinho maintains that he absolutely does not think he will be fired any time soon. In other news, the smoke coming from behind him at the press conference is actually aurora borealis, at this time of day, at this time of year, located entirely within his kitchen. And no you can't see it.

I was doing Simpsons jokes on here about two full years before the Mirror started doing it. Why did all the established places go and ruin everything?