Wednesday, 6 May 2015

The mysterious curse of Barclays and Alan Shearer: Newcastle haven't won because of that shit advert

Ghost police are on alert today after Newcastle fans raised the possibility that a dark and mysterious power has been disturbed in the North East.

Ever since that Alan Shearer TV advert, in which he forces small children to go and watch Newcastle games as a bank's private guest, his beloved Newcastle United haven't won a single game.

The relation between the advert and Newcastle's run of form is so chilling and conclusive that there are suggestions it may inadvertently have released a curse over the North East club - the mounting evidence suggests that this is more than just an unwanted coincidence. Newcastle’s odds are currently as low as 5/1 to go down with bookies such as Paddy Power.

Newcastle actually beat Aston Villa on the 28th of February, which is the same day the advert was first aired, but have found points very hard to come by ever since, having amassed a grand total of zero in the following matches.

In the advert, Alan Shearer talks about his love for Newcastle United as a young boy, sharing with us the memories he treasures. Memories like which method of transport he used to get to the match.
Ask any football fan and they'll agree that getting the train or bus to the stadium is actually one of the most magical bits of a football game. It's like going to work, or somewhere you need to be. But on a train.
At this point, for some reason, his taxi picks up some guy who claims to remember driving the Metro train on a specific date over 30 years ago:

Though we have no reason to doubt the authenticity of this man's claim that he can still remember how noisy that one particular train out of the potential millions he used to drive were, what we can't deny is that he does look and sound like he might possibly have driven a Metro at some point.
Shearer continues with his walk down memory lane. He tells us that he "couldn't believe" that his Dad had bought him a scarf.... the scarf! Could that be it?

The advert claims the scarf Shearer holds before our eyes is the very one his father purchased for him back on that incredible day in 1982. Having disturbed the scarf from its natural resting place - and like removing the skull from an old ancient Indian (Native American) burial ground - could this be the catalyst for the forces which have so haunted John Carver's time in charge?
No. There is another, even more sinister accompaniment to Shearer's beloved, woolen garment. He reveals that he was also given... a pie.

A pieman is summoned, drawing further scepticism from the audience. "Probably"?
Assuming Trevor Woods' company was the sole supplier of pies and cylindrical meat goods to St James Park at the time, how can he still be remotely sure that he worked the shift that made that particular pie?

This individually, hand-crafted meat product could have been made by any number of bakers and butchers within that pie factory. The claim is bold and dangerous.
Shearer continues:
"I'll never forget how it felt entering the Gallowgate for the first time"

These words ring true. After all how could you forget? Especially when, according to pictorial evidence in the video, that walk down the Gallowgate has the exact same feeling and look as the tunnel full of bats that Christian Bale escapes from in Batman Begins?

The advert continues for a while and some men who only have one name ("Ken" and "Steve") inform us that they might have been those fans in the crowd who lifted Shearer off his feet as a young boy when Newcastle scored. But also they might not have been. Their lack of a firm connection with the Newcastle curse rules them out at this stage.

Finally, Shearer turns up at the house of an unsuspecting family and offers them free tickets to a Newcastle game, so that they might share that joyous experience he holds so dear.

But one thought lingers. The most confusing and mysterious aspect of Newcastle's poor run of form, and the timing of this advert, is that as long as it has been on air, coincidentally, John Carver has also been the manager.

With such a man in charge, the only possible explanation as to how Newcastle have been so poor of late must lie within the accidentally cursed nature of this heart-warming advert for a bank. What the trigger is, we may never know.