Wednesday, 27 May 2015

FIFA 2016 new features revealed!

EA Sports waited until the day that all of FIFA got arrested to reveal that the next day they'll tell everyone the first of all the new features for FIFA 16.
The first new feature is a radical one. In place of detailed real-life stadiums, the next generation of FIFA matches will be held in a giant prison and instead of players, you will control inmates who look suspiciously like important members of FIFA's board.

Other controversial changes include a Sepp Blatter stats boost to 100 (previously 99) and the removal of England and the USA from the game. Another side game allows you to control a Nepalese slave as he tries to fight exhaustion and stadium security guards to try and reclaim his passport.

It doesn't end there though! Another new feature in this year's game is in Career Mode, where instead of controlling a player on his journey from reserve team youth player to international star, you control FIFA's communications director. In this game you must navigate your way around difficult lines of questioning from journalists while at all times maintaining that absolutely nothing has gone wrong and everybody else is an idiot.

Other expected changes include all of the teams being taken out except Real Madrid to save time when choosing who to be online, and more scripting to ensure that the key demograph of 12-18 year olds without their own source of income maintain interest in games that may otherwise finish either 0-0 or 20-0 to the opponent due to a genuine difference in gaming ability.

FIFA YouTubers are said to have welcomed the move, saying:
"I think the changes are great and timely. Never has it been easier for a talentless, charmless teenager like myself to become insanely rich by simply screaming into a television screen and duping children into purchasing virtual digital stickers on an hourly basis"
Konami are also set to reveal plans for their new version of Pro Evo. These are believed to include "making sure it's still nowhere near as good as Pro Evo 4", putting "an even worse and completely un-navigable menu system" in place and "just sort of tweaking bits here and there but never really fixing anything".