Wednesday, 27 May 2015

FIFA 2016 new features revealed!

EA Sports waited until the day that all of FIFA got arrested to reveal that the next day they'll tell everyone the first of all the new features for FIFA 16.
The first new feature is a radical one. In place of detailed real-life stadiums, the next generation of FIFA matches will be held in a giant prison and instead of players, you will control inmates who look suspiciously like important members of FIFA's board.

Other controversial changes include a Sepp Blatter stats boost to 100 (previously 99) and the removal of England and the USA from the game. Another side game allows you to control a Nepalese slave as he tries to fight exhaustion and stadium security guards to try and reclaim his passport.

It doesn't end there though! Another new feature in this year's game is in Career Mode, where instead of controlling a player on his journey from reserve team youth player to international star, you control FIFA's communications director. In this game you must navigate your way around difficult lines of questioning from journalists while at all times maintaining that absolutely nothing has gone wrong and everybody else is an idiot.

Other expected changes include all of the teams being taken out except Real Madrid to save time when choosing who to be online, and more scripting to ensure that the key demograph of 12-18 year olds without their own source of income maintain interest in games that may otherwise finish either 0-0 or 20-0 to the opponent due to a genuine difference in gaming ability.

FIFA YouTubers are said to have welcomed the move, saying:
"I think the changes are great and timely. Never has it been easier for a talentless, charmless teenager like myself to become insanely rich by simply screaming into a television screen and duping children into purchasing virtual digital stickers on an hourly basis"
Konami are also set to reveal plans for their new version of Pro Evo. These are believed to include "making sure it's still nowhere near as good as Pro Evo 4", putting "an even worse and completely un-navigable menu system" in place and "just sort of tweaking bits here and there but never really fixing anything".

Horror on Twitter as Liverpool fans react positively to players' attempts to enjoy themselves

The world is uneasy today after Liverpool fans more or less reacted positively to video footage showing Liverpool players enjoying themselves on a night out even though they didn't win the Champions League this season.

After losing 6-1 to Stoke City - a team managed by Mark Hughes and that has Charlie Adam ... in... it - Liverpool players had the audacity to go on a pre-planned holiday to Dubai.

Almost as though they had forgotten that the entire city of Liverpool would be in mourning for this devastating defeat and even worse - a bit like they didn't even care - squad members including evil Raheem Sterling partied into the night, singing a 2 Unlimited song about a car salesman called Francois.

One Liverpool fan said:
"Fair play to the lads like"
But he hadn't considered the effect that this show of unity and team spirit could have on the club. If we continue to allow football players to act like normal people, how long before they begin visiting the same restaurants as you or I? As we all know, only rich people, celebrities and prostitutes are allowed to visit Dubai - if they start commandeering Costcutters too, welcomed by a sense of togetherness from confused football fans on Twitter, we might have to go to Sainsburys instead. Even though it's a little bit further down the road. 

Saturday, 16 May 2015

Gerrard Takes One Last Swipe at Chelsea Fans

Steven Gerrard is one of the iconic players in the Premier League, but he certainly does not rank at the top when it comes to the number of domestic trophies won. His time at Liverpool has coincided with a long drought in terms of a league title for the Merseyside outfit; Gerrard has been at the receiving end of several taunts from opposition fans for the same. The 34-year-old will be ending his Liverpool career in the summer, as he moves to the MLS in search of a new adventure. He will be joining LA Galaxy, who are backed in the 2015 MLS Cup odds from Betfair at 5/1 to lift the title.

Top coaches like José Mourinho and Carlo Ancelotti have consistently maintained that Gerrard remains as one of the finest attacking midfielders of his generation. The 34-year-old may have lost his attacking threat in the last couple of years, but it is not really surprising to learn that clubs like Real Madrid, Inter Milan, and Chelsea were interested in signing him over a long period of time. Gerrard has admitted that his head has been turned a couple of occasions, but he resisted a move due to his love for the club.
Just like every other top player, Gerrard is no different when it comes to getting stick from the opposition fans. He is particularly targeted by Manchester United, Everton, and Chelsea supporters for different reasons. The rivalry between United and Liverpool needs no introduction, while the competition from Chelsea is much more recent. Even though Liverpool have not been title competitors for Chelsea, Gerrard turning down the West London outfit back in 2005 is the first start of bad blood.
Chelsea had agreed a £32 million fee with Liverpool for the midfielder just after he had won the Champions League. Yet, the manner in which the victory was achieved over AC Milan in Istanbul appeared to provide a new sense of belief within Gerrard. Rafa Benitez appeared to be the man to lead Liverpool to their first league title since the late 1980s. Despite having agreed a contract with Chelsea, Gerrard decided to stay at Liverpool. Since then, he has been able to add only the League Cup trophy while playing for the Merseyside club.
Meanwhile, his England colleagues like John Terry have won Champions League, Europa League, Premier League, FA Cup, and League Cup with Chelsea during this period.
Aside from the early successes against Chelsea in the Champions League, it has largely been a string of disappointments for Gerrard against the club that he almost joined. His worst moment came last season when his slip, which is the source of many ridicules, allowed Demba Ba to score in the 2-0 win at Anfield. This went on to destroy Liverpool’s hopes of winning their first league title in more than two decades.
In the last decade, Gerrard has not been helped by Liverpool to get back at the opposition taunts. Apart from the 2005 Champions League success and the League Cup victory a few years ago, Liverpool have rarely been successful in the last two decades.
For the first time, Gerrard has had an opportunity to get back at opposition fans – more specifically Chelsea supporters. Few expected Gerrard to receive any sympathy when he was making his last appearance at Stamford Bridge on Sunday. It proved to be the case, as the Liverpool midfielder was once again taunted and subjected to much ridicule by the home supporters throughout the match. However, a rather surprising moment came when almost the entire Stamford Bridge crowd rose to give Gerrard a standing ovation when he was substituted.
Rather than thank those who had given him a standing ovation, Gerrard used this opportunity to get one back over the Chelsea faithful. Stamford Bridge has been criticised for not being vocal enough in the last decade. In a subtle hint at this aspect, Gerrard stated that it was nice for the blues to turn up at least once for a landmark moment. Further, he also made it clear that the abuse that he has received from Chelsea fans for the last decade had not been forgotten. Gerrard may have forgotten the sending-off gift from the Chelsea fans, but he will very much be looking forward to getting an even better present when he makes his final Anfield appearance against Crystal Palace on Saturday.

Liverpool are backed by Betfair at 4/9 to get a win in this match with Gerrard, who recently scored the winner against QPR, being backed at 17/10 to get a goal at any time during the match. Both teams have nothing to play for after Liverpool failed to get the win against Chelsea that would have kept them in the hunt for top four.

Wednesday, 6 May 2015

The mysterious curse of Barclays and Alan Shearer: Newcastle haven't won because of that shit advert

Ghost police are on alert today after Newcastle fans raised the possibility that a dark and mysterious power has been disturbed in the North East.

Ever since that Alan Shearer TV advert, in which he forces small children to go and watch Newcastle games as a bank's private guest, his beloved Newcastle United haven't won a single game.

The relation between the advert and Newcastle's run of form is so chilling and conclusive that there are suggestions it may inadvertently have released a curse over the North East club - the mounting evidence suggests that this is more than just an unwanted coincidence. Newcastle’s odds are currently as low as 5/1 to go down with bookies such as Paddy Power.

Newcastle actually beat Aston Villa on the 28th of February, which is the same day the advert was first aired, but have found points very hard to come by ever since, having amassed a grand total of zero in the following matches.

In the advert, Alan Shearer talks about his love for Newcastle United as a young boy, sharing with us the memories he treasures. Memories like which method of transport he used to get to the match.
Ask any football fan and they'll agree that getting the train or bus to the stadium is actually one of the most magical bits of a football game. It's like going to work, or somewhere you need to be. But on a train.
At this point, for some reason, his taxi picks up some guy who claims to remember driving the Metro train on a specific date over 30 years ago:

Though we have no reason to doubt the authenticity of this man's claim that he can still remember how noisy that one particular train out of the potential millions he used to drive were, what we can't deny is that he does look and sound like he might possibly have driven a Metro at some point.
Shearer continues with his walk down memory lane. He tells us that he "couldn't believe" that his Dad had bought him a scarf.... the scarf! Could that be it?

The advert claims the scarf Shearer holds before our eyes is the very one his father purchased for him back on that incredible day in 1982. Having disturbed the scarf from its natural resting place - and like removing the skull from an old ancient Indian (Native American) burial ground - could this be the catalyst for the forces which have so haunted John Carver's time in charge?
No. There is another, even more sinister accompaniment to Shearer's beloved, woolen garment. He reveals that he was also given... a pie.

A pieman is summoned, drawing further scepticism from the audience. "Probably"?
Assuming Trevor Woods' company was the sole supplier of pies and cylindrical meat goods to St James Park at the time, how can he still be remotely sure that he worked the shift that made that particular pie?

This individually, hand-crafted meat product could have been made by any number of bakers and butchers within that pie factory. The claim is bold and dangerous.
Shearer continues:
"I'll never forget how it felt entering the Gallowgate for the first time"

These words ring true. After all how could you forget? Especially when, according to pictorial evidence in the video, that walk down the Gallowgate has the exact same feeling and look as the tunnel full of bats that Christian Bale escapes from in Batman Begins?

The advert continues for a while and some men who only have one name ("Ken" and "Steve") inform us that they might have been those fans in the crowd who lifted Shearer off his feet as a young boy when Newcastle scored. But also they might not have been. Their lack of a firm connection with the Newcastle curse rules them out at this stage.

Finally, Shearer turns up at the house of an unsuspecting family and offers them free tickets to a Newcastle game, so that they might share that joyous experience he holds so dear.

But one thought lingers. The most confusing and mysterious aspect of Newcastle's poor run of form, and the timing of this advert, is that as long as it has been on air, coincidentally, John Carver has also been the manager.

With such a man in charge, the only possible explanation as to how Newcastle have been so poor of late must lie within the accidentally cursed nature of this heart-warming advert for a bank. What the trigger is, we may never know. 

VIDEO: John Carver works in a convenience store

Newcastle fans rejoice for I have made a cartoon in which Alan Shearer tries to buy a Twix from John Carver. IT'S ALL METAPHOR

I can't help but feel sorry for Newcastle fans. It's pointless now, isn't it?

Supporting Newcastle United must be like living with an ex, who you still love dearly but now just to annoy you she keeps bringing guys round to the house you live in together. And then have to listen to them bang each other through the walls while you cry yourself to sleep at night. And at the end of that you still pay her rent because you remember all the good times. Even though the new guys are all fat and Mike Ashley.

I think I did this better in the cartoon. Alan Shearer's voice is definitely in no way provided by @footballcliches btw. Which is a shame because he's good at it