Thursday, 19 March 2015

Leo Messi teaches England football

Lionel Messi taught all of the football people in England about football last night, as Barcelona beat Man City 2-1.



Nutmegging players pretty much whenever he wanted to, Messi sometimes played on the right wing, sometimes deep in midfield, occasionally on the left but mostly through the middle of the park, playing the game the way it is meant to be played. It was almost like he was having fun while playing football... like it wasn't just his job... and it wasn't a part of some enormous business that is having all of the creative, artistic soul ripped out of it as a demand for results suffocates the bits of it that make it entertaining...

At the moment, the Premier League is so fucking mechanic and boring that I can barely be arsed watching it anymore, and like so many football wankers before me, have started watching La Liga games in preference to the delights I might witness during Burnley v Stoke.



Even Levante v Eibar has moments of skill, players enjoying themselves, and PASHUN which doesn't involve 6ft tall meat heads charging in to clean someone out by the touchline. If Messi played in England, as papers are desperate to link him with, he would end up like Jack Wilshere and play about 5 games a season due to the several pieces his ankles would be in. As Phil Bardsley "lets him know he's there", even Messi wouldn't be able to escape the power lunge tackles that Mark Lawrenson cries himself to sleep over the death of.

Lawrenson even once said:
OH WHY CANT THERE BE MORE TACKLES OH WE SHOULD ALL GO HOME WAAAAAAH WAAAAAH I AM A GIGANTIC CUNT

I hope Messi doesn't come to England because I love him, he is the best player in the world ever of all time ever and there will never be another like him, and the Premier League doesn't deserve him. Chelsea are a team of drilled robots performing minute by minute calculated tasks at the request of their mathematician manager, never improvising or doing anything exciting. Messi/Barcelona create things out of nothing. Most La Liga teams do, actually.

Marija Markovic made this. Her website here

It's the equivalent of watching Hendrix play a 15 minute version of Red House while completely off his tits vs One Direction performing their new number one hit single. They'll both sell lots of records and achieve the goals of those above them - the record company and the owner - but I just want One Direction dead.

Man City are a team of mercenaries with absolutely no connection to the club or area. Why would they care? They get paid shit loads to play football, they don't get paid that much attention to like United or Arsenal players do and how could you possibly be motivated to try and win things when there are only three trophies in one country that you can possibly compete for, and at least four teams whose fans DEMANDS they win it. Also, their kit is a horrible lame colour, like Twitter.



Even skilful players are ruined in English football. Can you imagine Messi in a Man City shirt? There's something extra special about watching a player with an affinity for a club working harder for the team. I'm sure that's a thing. Lampard never looks happy at Man City, he's just doing a job. And the players who don't celebrate when they score against their own club fuck me what is wrong with you.

There's a reason England doesn't produce players like Messi, who even in his time at the Barcelona academy kept being told to pass the ball and stop dribbling so much. Sterling might prove to be the exception, especially now as he is overplayed and has constant pressure applied to his crumbling skeleton.

The tired cliche of parents shouting "CLEAR YOUR LINES" to 5 year olds is a cliche because it's very true and you even hear it in Sunday league football as team-mates applaud someone for tracking back and slide tackling a throw in, but angrily shout at another for attempting a through ball that gets picked up by defenders. I can't imagine that's the same across the water.

As Arsenal built up attack after attack against Monaco on Tuesday night, my friend kept shouting "GET IT IN THE BOX!" as though a team with no tall people, who absolutely had to keep the ball to avoid Monaco running up the other end and camping at the corner flag, and who score most of their goals from sharp, quick passing around the box should do that. It hurts my brain.


Sepp Blatter got the Messi v Ronaldo thing right. One is an artist, the other a machine programmed to paint, and it doesn't surprise me that many in England believe that Ronaldo is genuinely a better player. These are, I would imagine, the same dickheads who always go as Real Madrid on FIFA.

So anyway, I just wanted to moan about the Premier League for a bit. And remind you all that all along I've been saying Messi is the greatest player of all time, and not just after he plays really well against a team who lost to Burnley. Because I am the best.