Monday, 30 March 2015

How To Write a Love Song! Episode 3 of Drunk in the Broom Cupboard

In this episode, in which I am slightly more pissed than the last one, I teach you how to write a powerful and erotic love song.

Click away to enjoy and share and give me all the attention you can. I need it for sustenance.

How To Be Popular! Episode 2 of Drunk In The Broom Cupboard

In this episode I teach you how to be really super popular like I am!


Wednesday, 25 March 2015

Five things Bryan Adams has never said about football

Bryan Adams is a true icon of rock. The Canadian singer songwriter has sold millions of records around the world, including smash hit (Everything I Do) I Do It For You which spent many weeks at number one. One topic that has always been at the forefront of his lyrical subject is professional football.
We caught up with Bryan to find out some of his opinions on the game.

1) Wayne Rooney


2) Under-rated


3) Socio-economics


4) Mesut Ozil


5) Barcelona


Monday, 23 March 2015

VIDEO: How to write an erotic novel

Here is a YouTube video for Episode One of Drunk in the Broom Cupboard.

Please share if you find it remotely funny. Or just watch it at least.



No you hang up

Thursday, 19 March 2015

How To Be Popular | Drunk In The Broom Cupboard Ep.2

In Episode 2 of Drunk In The Broom Cupboard, I teach you all about how to be popular. Like me!

Please share with your friends on Facebook, Twitter or whatever else it is you crazy kids use nowadays - I really appreciate those of you who have. And yes, I am genuinely a bit pissed in these videos.

Watch Episode 1 here

Incredible! This Teenager Played FIFA 15 Without Filming Himself For YouTube!!!

In amazing scenes, David Stirling, played FIFA 15 on his own in his room without filming a single minute to try and get famous on YouTube.

Even though most teenagers his age spend their time filming YouTube videos of themselves opening player packs in FIFA Ultimate Team before going out to meet hot female fans, in a shock twist David decided he didn't want to do share his private video game life with random internet strangers and children. What happened next will shock you:
I turned on the Playstation and then started playing a few games online but everyone was choosing Real Madrid and I just wanted to try out Everton and Real Sociedad and those kinda teams. Eventually I played four games I think and then had to go to work. I just didn't really think that was worth anyone watching, to be honest
The internet cried out. David's brave move may have cost YouTube a potential 40 minutes of video footage of a teenager angrily shouting at a TV and talking to people who aren't really there. A spokesman said:
We were disappointed with David's decision because up until now there just weren't enough teenagers trying to make a fast buck and be popular by sharing their boring nerd lives with 12 year old kids in America, but we reluctantly accept it.
David now plans to complete his University studies in English Literature and then get a job instead of making millions from playing FIFA. Will the online gaming community ever recover from this? Only time will tell.

And that's something we all want to see.

Harry Kane is in the England squad

Harry Kane has been called up to the England squad and I, for one, am truly shocked.

Even though he looks like he sleeps underneath a bridge, Spurs' youngster has had a very good season, propelling him to stardom and artificially increasing expectations of what he can do. An average/good Premier League forward on a good run of form, were Kane to try and bundle his way through an international defence - let's say Italy - it will very quickly become apparent that form is temporary and Harry Kane is bang average.

I would love to be proven wrong, but also I would not. Also I would like it if England lost all of their games. Sometimes I worry that I'm too impartial.

Dundee player Paul McGowan kicked a policeman because he can

Dundee player Paul McGowan, brother of Shane, son of Thor, has admitted that he kicked a police officer.

The BBC says:
McGowan was given a community sentence last year for an attack on police.
The latest attack happened after McGowan was arrested at a house in Airdrie's Wheatholm Street, less than 24 hours after he had played in Dundee's 2-1 defeat to Celtic at Celtic Park.
He also pled guilty to assaulting PC White by kicking him on the body at Coatbridge Police Office.
Having misunderstood the whole concept and purpose of brand loyalty cards, McGowan is said to be disappointed that this arrest, his third for conviction for police assault, is still not enough to earn him a free whole chicken at Nandos.  

Leo Messi teaches England football

Lionel Messi taught all of the football people in England about football last night, as Barcelona beat Man City 2-1.

Nutmegging players pretty much whenever he wanted to, Messi sometimes played on the right wing, sometimes deep in midfield, occasionally on the left but mostly through the middle of the park, playing the game the way it is meant to be played. It was almost like he was having fun while playing football... like it wasn't just his job... and it wasn't a part of some enormous business that is having all of the creative, artistic soul ripped out of it as a demand for results suffocates the bits of it that make it entertaining...

At the moment, the Premier League is so fucking mechanic and boring that I can barely be arsed watching it anymore, and like so many football wankers before me, have started watching La Liga games in preference to the delights I might witness during Burnley v Stoke.

Even Levante v Eibar has moments of skill, players enjoying themselves, and PASHUN which doesn't involve 6ft tall meat heads charging in to clean someone out by the touchline. If Messi played in England, as papers are desperate to link him with, he would end up like Jack Wilshere and play about 5 games a season due to the several pieces his ankles would be in. As Phil Bardsley "lets him know he's there", even Messi wouldn't be able to escape the power lunge tackles that Mark Lawrenson cries himself to sleep over the death of.

Lawrenson even once said:

I hope Messi doesn't come to England because I love him, he is the best player in the world ever of all time ever and there will never be another like him, and the Premier League doesn't deserve him. Chelsea are a team of drilled robots performing minute by minute calculated tasks at the request of their mathematician manager, never improvising or doing anything exciting. Messi/Barcelona create things out of nothing. Most La Liga teams do, actually.

Marija Markovic made this. Her website here

It's the equivalent of watching Hendrix play a 15 minute version of Red House while completely off his tits vs One Direction performing their new number one hit single. They'll both sell lots of records and achieve the goals of those above them - the record company and the owner - but I just want One Direction dead.

Man City are a team of mercenaries with absolutely no connection to the club or area. Why would they care? They get paid shit loads to play football, they don't get paid that much attention to like United or Arsenal players do and how could you possibly be motivated to try and win things when there are only three trophies in one country that you can possibly compete for, and at least four teams whose fans DEMANDS they win it. Also, their kit is a horrible lame colour, like Twitter.

Even skilful players are ruined in English football. Can you imagine Messi in a Man City shirt? There's something extra special about watching a player with an affinity for a club working harder for the team. I'm sure that's a thing. Lampard never looks happy at Man City, he's just doing a job. And the players who don't celebrate when they score against their own club fuck me what is wrong with you.

There's a reason England doesn't produce players like Messi, who even in his time at the Barcelona academy kept being told to pass the ball and stop dribbling so much. Sterling might prove to be the exception, especially now as he is overplayed and has constant pressure applied to his crumbling skeleton.

The tired cliche of parents shouting "CLEAR YOUR LINES" to 5 year olds is a cliche because it's very true and you even hear it in Sunday league football as team-mates applaud someone for tracking back and slide tackling a throw in, but angrily shout at another for attempting a through ball that gets picked up by defenders. I can't imagine that's the same across the water.

As Arsenal built up attack after attack against Monaco on Tuesday night, my friend kept shouting "GET IT IN THE BOX!" as though a team with no tall people, who absolutely had to keep the ball to avoid Monaco running up the other end and camping at the corner flag, and who score most of their goals from sharp, quick passing around the box should do that. It hurts my brain.

Sepp Blatter got the Messi v Ronaldo thing right. One is an artist, the other a machine programmed to paint, and it doesn't surprise me that many in England believe that Ronaldo is genuinely a better player. These are, I would imagine, the same dickheads who always go as Real Madrid on FIFA.

So anyway, I just wanted to moan about the Premier League for a bit. And remind you all that all along I've been saying Messi is the greatest player of all time, and not just after he plays really well against a team who lost to Burnley. Because I am the best.

Monday, 16 March 2015

How To Write An Erotic Novel | Drunk In The Broom Cupboard Ep1

Here is the first episode of Drunk In The Broom Cupboard, where I teach you how to become great at writing erotic fiction.

Sunday, 15 March 2015

EXCITING NEWS: "Drunk In The Broom Cupboard" - A comedy series where I get drunk and abuse a puppet

I haven't written on here for a month?!! Jesus. Anyway, recently I was asked by the lovely people at Videojug to make a bunch of funny videos for them, and so I did.

As of Monday you will be able to watch "Drunk In The Broom Cupboard". I hope you like it because it took bloody ages to write and if you would like to share the videos when they come out either on Videojug's site or on their YouTube the week after (they release one video on their site and the next week put it on youtube cos they have adverts on their site) then I would really love that.

It is thanks to your continued support for the batshit nonsense I keep getting away with that now people want to professionally make videos where I genuinely get pissed and shout "cunt" at a puppet.

So cheers, guys.

I promise I'll do some footballer power rock song videos again soon.