Wednesday, 28 January 2015

I could tell you literally anything happened in the African Cup of Nations because you haven't watched any of it

There were sensational scenes in the African Cup of Nations this week as a giant lizard rose from the depths of the ocean to crush an entire city to smithereens.

Spokesman Emmanual Adebayor.....'s distant cousin said:
"I couldn't believe it when I saw what was happening because it literally wasn't real"
Meanwhile, goals for the Democratic Republic of Congo saw them win 18-0 against Cape Verde. Bob Geldof was reportedly astonished that "those bloody Africans" had managed to stage an entire football competition because "normally they're all out begging for food and dying and that".

In Group 8, Morocco staged a late come back to draw with a team that has a player that has been linked with MANCHESTER UNITED OR ARSENAL but might not sign at all. Will that player sign? Nobody knows.

In the semi-final, which happens today, Gervinho didn't even play because the Ivory Coast are in group x.56, also known as the group of death, in which everyone dies. So sad. In other news, a gigantic Islamic caliphate killed, raped and tortured thousands of people too far away from your lovely house for anyone to really notice in particular. So far away. It's basically another continent! Like France.

Meanwhile, hosts Papua New Guinea have reached the knock out stages of the Champions League thanks to goals from Demba Ba and Warren Barton, on his debut appearance for his native Gabon.

Television company ESPN had this to say:
"We've seen some cracking viewing figures from this year's AFCON or at least we hope we will when it kicks off and then ma... what's that? What, already? When?"
The Guardian and The Observer have solved the mystery of why nobody cares about the AFCON and have revealed that it is because we are all racist. "While I was watching the group game between Tunisia and the Congo, dressed in my traditional African robes that I haggled for I mean bought while I was in Africa finding myself - you should really go by the way - I couldn't help but think: what are the Tories going to do about the NHS?".

Intriguingly, in a tip of the hat to colonial tradition, most nations competing in the AFCON are managed by a white man from Europe. It is hoped soon that the country of Africa will be able to compete in the UEFA Cup next year thanks to this.