Aberdeen decided to let Dundee United have a go at trying to win the Scottish League Cup on Saturday afternoon because it's a totally pointless trophy that I really hate.
The first half of this game was dreadful and I didn't have a subscription to Red TV at the time so was unable to watch. The radio made it sound occasionally quite exciting but actually no-one even really had a shot on goal so let's just assume it didn't happen.
EXT. HAMPDEN PARK, SCOTTISH LEAGUE CUP SEMI-FINAL SECOND HALF - DAY
Aberdeen took the lead through new signing "Premier League fitness", also known as Don Donervan Donervich the third, also known as Don Daniels. He used his aerial power to float the ball over the head of Dundee United's keeper, who was - honestly - absolutely terrible. Until later.
The climax of this sustained pressure was Adam Rooney scoring a header from a corner. Delighted Dons fans jumped up in their office at work but the referee ruled it out because of a foul. That foul being the very idea that Aberdeen might actually reach another cup final in my lifetime.
As Rooney tried to find space in the box, a defender bounced off him and moved about two yards; these two yards allowed a header and a goal which is why it was obviously a foul. In no way was anyone annoyed about this.
So anyway, Jackie McNamara realised that United were being absolutely humped and put on Ryan Dow. Off came some Charlie Telfer guy, who was both the worst player on the park and completely anonymous at the same time. It really was quite the achievement. Crucially, as Dow jogged onto the pitch he took some "confidence juice" with him and gave it to the Dundee United goalie who drank it and started being confident. With this confidence came a new found ability to 'punch the ball' and 'not be completely shit'.
Because of the way confidence works, Scott Brown had to lose some of his to make up for the amount Cierzniak now had. If he hadn't, the universe would, of course, have fallen onto its side as it would be imbalanced. Imagine a shop on its side? Everything would be broken. Ridiculous.
So then a Dundee United corner came in and Scott Brown didn't really make much of an effort to punch the ball clear because he was dead nervous, and some guy scored.
United grew into the game after that and this was annoying.
Niall McGinn was stuck out on the left of midfield, presumably in the hope that he would cut inside and ping a shot into the far post but he couldn't get in the game, Peter Pawlett seems to have forgotten that a first touch is an important thing to get right and he just chased after everything like a dog who doesn't realise running into tables is bad, and for about two seconds, Scott Brown's brain melted.
A cross came in, Offside Ciftci used his offside body to get his offside head on the end of a cross and even though the ball was literally in Scott Brown's hands as he dived, he let it through.
This was because he had decided that the League Cup is a stupid trophy for a stupid sport that I hate.
And so this marks an interesting moment in history as I turn FitbaThatba into an online blog about fishing or tits or just anything else fuck off dundee united.
Scott Brown - why
Shay Logan - fast
Mark Reynolds - got away with that one
Don Daniels - Premier League
Considine - better than I remember
McGinn - lost in the mud
Pawlett - still running around the pitch aimlessly right now (I love P Pawlett)
Jack - best player in team
Hayes - pitch too big
Rooney - goal denied
Goodwillie - didn't score two goals