Saturday, 31 January 2015

Aberdeen decide League Cup final is boring, let Dundee United have a go instead

Aberdeen decided to let Dundee United have a go at trying to win the Scottish League Cup on Saturday afternoon because it's a totally pointless trophy that I really hate.

The first half of this game was dreadful and I didn't have a subscription to Red TV at the time so was unable to watch. The radio made it sound occasionally quite exciting but actually no-one even really had a shot on goal so let's just assume it didn't happen.



Aberdeen took the lead through new signing "Premier League fitness", also known as Don Donervan Donervich the third, also known as Don Daniels. He used his aerial power to float the ball over the head of Dundee United's keeper, who was - honestly - absolutely terrible. Until later.

Because that ball went over the goal-line it was 1-0, which at the time was the best score Aberdeen could have hoped for. What followed this goal was wave after wave of Aberdeen attack. David Goodwillie tried to go around the keeper while clean through but wasn't fast/good enough to do so, Ryan Jack hit the ball directly at the goalkeeper to give him more of a chance at saving it, David Goodwillie headered a shot from about 5 yards out into the ground instead of the goal - all in all, they did a good job of taking absolutely no advantage of their superiority. It was basically like that Celtic game at Pittodrie all over again.

The climax of this sustained pressure was Adam Rooney scoring a header from a corner. Delighted Dons fans jumped up in their office at work but the referee ruled it out because of a foul. That foul being the very idea that Aberdeen might actually reach another cup final in my lifetime.

As Rooney tried to find space in the box, a defender bounced off him and moved about two yards; these two yards allowed a header and a goal which is why it was obviously a foul. In no way was anyone annoyed about this.

So anyway, Jackie McNamara realised that United were being absolutely humped and put on Ryan Dow. Off came some Charlie Telfer guy, who was both the worst player on the park and completely anonymous at the same time. It really was quite the achievement. Crucially, as Dow jogged onto the pitch he took some "confidence juice" with him and gave it to the Dundee United goalie who drank it and started being confident. With this confidence came a new found ability to 'punch the ball' and 'not be completely shit'.

Because of the way confidence works, Scott Brown had to lose some of his to make up for the amount Cierzniak now had. If he hadn't, the universe would, of course, have fallen onto its side as it would be imbalanced. Imagine a shop on its side? Everything would be broken. Ridiculous.

So then a Dundee United corner came in and Scott Brown didn't really make much of an effort to punch the ball clear because he was dead nervous, and some guy scored.

United grew into the game after that and this was annoying.

Niall McGinn was stuck out on the left of midfield, presumably in the hope that he would cut inside and ping a shot into the far post but he couldn't get in the game, Peter Pawlett seems to have forgotten that a first touch is an important thing to get right and he just chased after everything like a dog who doesn't realise running into tables is bad, and for about two seconds, Scott Brown's brain melted.

A cross came in, Offside Ciftci used his offside body to get his offside head on the end of a cross and even though the ball was literally in Scott Brown's hands as he dived, he let it through.

This was because he had decided that the League Cup is a stupid trophy for a stupid sport that I hate.

And so this marks an interesting moment in history as I turn FitbaThatba into an online blog about fishing or tits or just anything else fuck off dundee united.

Ah well.

Player ratings:

Scott Brown - why
Shay Logan - fast
Mark Reynolds - got away with that one
Don Daniels - Premier League
Considine - better than I remember
McGinn - lost in the mud
Pawlett - still running around the pitch aimlessly right now (I love P Pawlett)
Jack - best player in team
Hayes - pitch too big
Rooney - goal denied
Goodwillie - didn't score two goals

Dundee United

Don't care.

Wednesday, 28 January 2015

I could tell you literally anything happened in the African Cup of Nations because you haven't watched any of it

There were sensational scenes in the African Cup of Nations this week as a giant lizard rose from the depths of the ocean to crush an entire city to smithereens.

Spokesman Emmanual Adebayor.....'s distant cousin said:
"I couldn't believe it when I saw what was happening because it literally wasn't real"
Meanwhile, goals for the Democratic Republic of Congo saw them win 18-0 against Cape Verde. Bob Geldof was reportedly astonished that "those bloody Africans" had managed to stage an entire football competition because "normally they're all out begging for food and dying and that".

In Group 8, Morocco staged a late come back to draw with a team that has a player that has been linked with MANCHESTER UNITED OR ARSENAL but might not sign at all. Will that player sign? Nobody knows.

In the semi-final, which happens today, Gervinho didn't even play because the Ivory Coast are in group x.56, also known as the group of death, in which everyone dies. So sad. In other news, a gigantic Islamic caliphate killed, raped and tortured thousands of people too far away from your lovely house for anyone to really notice in particular. So far away. It's basically another continent! Like France.

Meanwhile, hosts Papua New Guinea have reached the knock out stages of the Champions League thanks to goals from Demba Ba and Warren Barton, on his debut appearance for his native Gabon.

Television company ESPN had this to say:
"We've seen some cracking viewing figures from this year's AFCON or at least we hope we will when it kicks off and then ma... what's that? What, already? When?"
The Guardian and The Observer have solved the mystery of why nobody cares about the AFCON and have revealed that it is because we are all racist. "While I was watching the group game between Tunisia and the Congo, dressed in my traditional African robes that I haggled for I mean bought while I was in Africa finding myself - you should really go by the way - I couldn't help but think: what are the Tories going to do about the NHS?".

Intriguingly, in a tip of the hat to colonial tradition, most nations competing in the AFCON are managed by a white man from Europe. It is hoped soon that the country of Africa will be able to compete in the UEFA Cup next year thanks to this.

Tuesday, 27 January 2015

Russia World Cup 2018: A factually inaccurate investigation

The Russian World Cup is only three years away yet still the Russian World Cup is set to be held in Russia. I investigated why that's so controversial.

With human rights violations, an intolerance of different races and sexualities, truly Russia is a wonderful place to hold a gigantic all encompassing sports event. I can't think of anywhere that treats people more fairly. Perhaps we should host one in Saudi Arabia next time, they're a great bunch of lads.

Chelsea v Liverpool on FIFA 15


In this episode, Tom believes he has beaten me because he wins a penalty shootout. I dispute this to be the case and maintain that I am the one true champion of FIFA.

If you subscribe to that Project Babb channel you'll get all these videos when they go up. I think it's like one a week at the moment.

Thursday, 22 January 2015

JJ beats people at FIFA: Cambridge v Man United

I am so good at FIFA that sometimes it makes me cry. I cry for the lost souls who I defeat with such ease that many of them are forced to kill themselves or join ISIS. Truly, it is a terrible time.

In this episode I play my friend Tom at FIFA again. Do I win? As Cambridge? What do you think?

Wednesday, 21 January 2015

The best gif of Mauricio Pochettino that I have ever made

Here is a gif you can use for any occasion of Spurs manager Mauricio Pochettino.

Why would you use this? Perhaps when someone on a messageboard makes a silly suggestion. Or..........

No I think that's it.

Monday, 19 January 2015

JJ beats people at FIFA episode 2989738

Here is a video of me playing FIFA against my friend.

Normally I beat people but here... it is a tougher affair. And how do I feel about everyone just knowing what I look like now after about two years of secretly doing all of this football nonsense behind an avatar of 'wacky footballness'? I feel weird. That's how I feel. Now fuck off

Monday, 12 January 2015

VIDEO: Manuel Neuer's failed attempt to fix the Ballon d'Or, featuring Roy Keane

This is a video about Manuel Neuer trying to get rid of his opponents for the Ballon d'Or award by hiring Roy Keane to... take care of them.

Share it with all your friends, you dicks.