Tuesday, 9 December 2014

Arsene Wenger is getting a hard time

Arsene Wenger claims he will silence his critics by beating some Turkish team with his reserve squad in the Champions League but even that won't stop people moaning because people are jerks.


Wenger has had rather a difficult week/year/8 years and delightful Arsenal fans have begun to turn on him because he's not a real person and doesn't feel feelings like you or I do, as evidenced by this video from the team trying to go home after the Stoke game.


In this footage, kindly filmed by an idiot and then uploaded to YouTube by someone who lives in a dimension where you have to walk on walls because everything is sideways, some grown up adults go to the train that takes Arsenal back to London from Stoke and they do the only thing they know they can to change the fortunes of their team.

"BOOOOO!" they yell. "BOOOOOO!".

Yes, these people are booing at some footballers who lost a notoriously difficult away game by one goal. To make it worse they then tell Arsene Wenger to "get out of my club" and yell at Joel Campbell to "GET OUT WHILE YA STILL CAN"!

What, pray tell me, do they believe is going to happen? Ohhhh please tell me about how hard you have it Arsenal, consistently finishing in the top four, qualifying for Champions League football every year, attracting the likes of Mesut Ozil and Alexis Sanchez and having to go to one of the best stadiums in Europe to watch really entertaining football while the only teams that win the things you don't are the ones with the most amounts of money. Please tell me all about it I REEEEALLLLLLLLLLY want to hear it all.


These Arsenal fans abusing Wenger are the equivalent of a child yelling at her Dad because he got her a blue sports car for her 16th and not a red one. I HATE YOU! IM LEAVING HOME! Not realising that when you leave home you don't suddenly have a nice secure, warm place to go back to every night/each season. After storming out, walking down to the edge of the drive and then a little bit out on to the street, suddenly they wish that they could go back home and play on their PS4 that their parents very kindly bought them.


You spoilt bastards. How DARE you call Arsene Wenger a cnut. How DARE you! His tactical shortcomings have started to pop up here and there and going 3-0 down to Stoke was bad but some of the reactions.... read them here and try not to do that face where your eyes retreat back into your skull as you pull backwards from the screen. MonsterBet would probably have told you that the odds on Arsenal finishing 4th again this season were about the same as they were the previous few seasons... and in perspective, the teams that have finished above Arsenal have spent about a combined £90billion.

These fans argue that they want Wenger to leave now before his reputation is tarnished and yeh I can kinda see that, and his philosophies would still work if he trickled them down from a Director of Football role... but think about what they want to happen next.

"GET WENGER OUT!"
"OK cool, what now?"
"ABOUT TIME!"
"OK yeh so what's the plan now?"
"GET JURGEN KLOPP IN!"
"Sorry he's contractually connected to Dortmund and doesn't want to leave just now. Plus, Dortmund are like bottom of the Bundesliga. Which is terrible by anyone's standards. You want a guy who's bottom of the league with the 2nd best team in the league to manage yours?!"
"OH UHHHHHH NO GET GUARDIOLA THEN"
"There's no way he's coming here. He'll go to one of the teams with billions in the bank that can fund the squad change he'd want"
"BUT BUT BUT BUT THE MONEY SPEND THE MONEY!"
"Yeh we've been doing that now but we're not going into debt! What if the player doesn't work?"
"YOU DONT UNDERSTAND MATE! BUY RONALDO! WHY DONT WE BUY RONALDO?"

And so on. You get the general idea. I like Arsenal and I go to watch them play quite a lot but honestly, these jerks don't know what supporting a team is. And that's not just Arsenal fans - that's fans of all the big clubs. Entitled, spoilt dickheads. And now the fans think they're celebrities because some YouTube man has worked out he gets loads of clicks for filming them arguing?!!!

 

I mean look at the state of this guy below. He's wearing Arsenal headphones and holding an Arsenal water bottle for f**ks sake - and he's one of the positive ones! 


As exasperatingly unaware of how football works any of these fans are, they have a genuine voice now thanks to YouTube. Everyone is desperate for their 5 minutes on air yet they don't seem to realise that the people they're calling to get sacked and abused are also just famous because someone's shoved a camera in their face a couple of times. 7amkickoff have worded this whole situation better than I can, which is astonishing because as we all know I am the greatest writer of modern times. But this is what they said:

Raphael Honigstein, speaking on the Guardian’s Football Weekly podcast, lauded these gentlemen for their abuse of Arsene. His logic being that abusing Arsene Wenger is the only way to get Arsene Wenger to resign. And since no one at the club level at Arsenal will fire Wenger, Wenger has to fire himself, and by abusing him they might convince the man to fire himself.
I feel like Honigstein is on to something here. For example, I find Raphael Honigstein’s writing sub-par. But I know that he’s a big name and people are going to keep publishing him. The only thing I can hope is that Raphael Honigstein quits writing. Maybe if I wait for him at the Asda near his house and personally abuse him, he will get scared shitless and quit writing!
Before adding (crucially):

I don’t know about you but I think we might have gone beyond the fucking pale when a professional journalist is encouraging fans to abuse a club’s manager. Seriously. 
As an antidote to Honigstein’s suggestion I have another idea. Do not abuse Raphael Honigstein on twitter or anywhere else. Please don’t abuse people. It’s not nice. No one deserves abuse. Not even a monster like Raphael Honigstein.




In summary:

I HATE IT. I HATE IT ALL



James Milner is NOT a murderous sex criminal

James Milner stars in this latest amazing video that I have made because... it just felt right.


From the same school of rock as all of my other songs, in this particular effort some stuff happens and then it goes off on a tangent that is sure to delight the whole family. Watch it and see or else a pirate will eat you.

Thursday, 4 December 2014

GOLF! A video telling you how AMAZING GOLF IS!

Golf is great isn't it?


That's why I made this video ages ago for someone I used to work for, and then I re-dubbed it and re-cut it to make it actually funny instead. Enjoy!