Sunday, 2 November 2014

Premier League Rap Up (more of a poem really)


Villa against Spurs was a thrilla, not quite the thriller in Manila as Sky would make out. Of that there is no doubt, Weimann finally ended the drought with a lovely finish from ten yards out. The game changed when Benteke became deranged, you should use your brain and not your hands and forehead, don't give the ref an excuse to give you red, or it's off for a shower and early to bed. For Villa fans sadly, a corner fell to Chadli. He had all the time he needed and proceeded to slot it home with his left foot and give his team the proverbial boot. Injury time and up stepped Kane, free kick, deflection, goal and that's all he needed to go home with the champagne. 1-2


Manchester United were away to Manchester City, the game was kinda shitty. Smalling was appalling, Aguero keeps on balling, the United come back keeps on stalling and everyone else keeps on LOLing. 1st half, big Dave made save after save, as City came with wave after wave of attack, United were hanging on at the back with little going forward in attack. Smalling was sent off being being a twat. Against ten men, it was a matter of time before the little Argentine got the ball over the line. Clichy down the left, cut back, goal. Louis Van Gal screams at Smalling "you arsehole". 1-0


Liverpool cannot defend for shit and some point Brenan Rodgers has to deal with it. Another shocking piece of defensive play, let Perez score his second winner in only seven days. Not so long ago we thought the Toon were gan doon but maybe we spoke too soon and Pardew isn't a buffoon. You can't get too far with Cissé up front, and regardless of the result, Alan Pardew's still a cunt. 1-0


For 45 minutes Burnley defended sternly but in North London town they ended up three goals down. I'm not saying Arsenal are a one man team but what a dream to have Sanchez, his talents are obscene. His second goal was a total piss-take as he snaked and faked his way through to make it 3-0. Still Shaun Dyche seems happy enough, though his voice is so ridiculously rough. I imagine he spends his afternoons in greasy spoons, chain smoking fags as he complains about his wife's nags, and brags about meeting the local slags from his dirty razz-mags. 3-0


It's too fucking easy for Chelsea, can we release a swarm of bees or poison their teas, please? At home to QPR it was like a go-kart against a sports car. Harry Redknapp has never beaten Mourinho in his entire career and that was never going to end here. Oscar scored a wonder goal, with the outside of his foot it started about 10 yards wide, but to separate the sides, in the end, it took a pen. Hazard was fouled, melted faced Harry scowled, He sent the keeper the wrong way, like he seems to do every day. Perhaps we can arm the opposition goalkeeper with a spear or else the league will be over by new year. 2-1


Everton were at home to Swansea, let me see...I don't really remember much about this game so it must have been really lame. A defender did a diving save with his hand, it should have been a penalty and he would have been banned. Instead the referee did fuck all, and ended up sending Jonjo Shelvey off instead. I can't remember why but it was probably because of his creepy bald head. 0-0


Southampton won again. I think it's something like 100 in a row or so? I don't really know. Some people came for the tigers, bu this was the Wanyama show. The keeper shanked his kick straight to the big Kenyan, and he said "yi ken min, I'm going to chip the keeper and the guy playing sweeper". And with a sexy swing of the right leg, he curled it over the keepers head. Some other stuff might have happened but I'm not really fussed, I got bored and fast-forwarded the highlights on my Sky plus 0-1


God damn! Big Sam! He's actually doing well with West Ham. Stoke went two goals up but then big Sam said, "FUCK THIS. I am not in the this bis to see my team lose to fucking Stoke, is this a joke? Get the ball to the big bloke!" Not really, those days are gone, now they've got brains to go with the brawn. Downing has gone from syndrome to street, as he delivered a sweet ball for Valencia to meet. Who knew he could actually control his feet? Later on, the roles reversed, almost like they had rehearsed, Valencia lays it off onto Downing's right and with that he said BITCHES GOODNIGHT! I don't have speak utter shite. 2-2


Aw shit Mom it's Leicester Vs West Brom, did anyone even watch this one? The BBC tells me that West Brom won thanks to an O.G. That tells me this game really sucked and that's why I couldn't be fucked watching the highlights so I watched cats fight on YouTube. Sorry for any offensive, but I couldn't care less. Rhyming is hard. 0-1

@jackwaterston