Friday, 17 October 2014

Raheem Sterling's tragic exhaustion vs a normal working human's

By "The Snake" (@snake_hunter66)

A discussion has erupted in recent days around the issue of "rest." This rest is a commodity which we are all guilty of indulging in.

I myself am a serial offender, and have some rest most days. My resting usually occurs in a bed and at night time. At least once a week, I may rest on a sofa or a train seat. On a weekend, my rest can happen on a tiled bathroom floor, or even within the property of a complete stranger. One of my pals even rested in a police cell after choosing to say the wrong thing in Corfu Kebabs, Dundee.

Raheem Sterling has recently decided that he needs a rest.

A lack of energy is the basis of his argument, alongside his worry of burnout. I will now take a knife to each of these points.


Raheem Sterling's terms of employment are to work for 90mins/week and 180mins/week for any week featuring The Champions League, or a diddy cup.

A UK adult working on a full time basis is usually on a 35hr contract, meaning that Raheem is getting off lightly. Sure, there is training on occasion - but many of my good friends play football on an evening/weekend AFTER working a 35hr week. They still somehow find enough gas in the tank.

Raheem is no slouch on the pitch, and fairly puts himself about during a match. The same can be said of his bedroom performance, oi oi. As a young father, he has 6 children to 9 different women. Throughout my time as a sexually active male I have never been accused of being "shy," and my approach towards birth control has been extremely lacklustre at times. Absurdly, I am still yet to father a single child. 

By using some maths, I can calculate that Raheem must have done sex a minimum of 600,000 times (and dished out at least 250,000 fingerbangs.) This sort of irresponsible activity eats up a lot of time in a persons week. Especially if the minky women in question choose to stay for breakfast or "to chill," rather than leave immediately after ejaculation - like they bloody well should.

It seems that a lesson on time management could prove worthwhile for this young stud.

A popular social media argument in his defence is centered around Sterling's role as a "pace player." In this modern era of equality and diversity, this argument should be shot down immediately. If Mido asked his manager if he could lie on a sofa all day, would he be afforded the same generous treatment?

Physical over-exertion and the argument for scheduled rest is a very recent phenomenon, and seems to have bypassed the 80's almost entirely. Within this scene featuring an italian american boxer, please tell me if you can spot the rest period. I cant.

If anything, the tangible sporting successes earned by people like Mr Balboa are almost completely down to their training routines. Maybe Raheem should punch some meat when he has a bit of spare time at night. If it didn't help his Liverpool/England form, it would at least keep the child maintainence payments down.


Burnout is an extremely popular video games franchise produced by Criterion. An arcade-style racing simulator with a particular emphasis on slow motion crashes.

In health journals and recent sporting articles, lack of energy and burnout are often mentioned in the same breath. 

When at university, I had a friend who managed to progress to his 4th and final year of study withought touching any illegals. He always stuck to his booze, ken? Well, one night he decided to change his operating model, and feasted on a load of [infamous abbreviated class-a party drug]

He ended up playing rather a lot of Burnout that night, Burnout Paradise actually. His manner of play was drenched in an all consuming energy.  His focus seemed eternal. 

This is the first time I have seen Burnout take its rightful place alongside AN EXCESS of energy.

Please take what you will from this Raheem, Roy and Brendan. X