Monday, 27 October 2014

Mike Ashley wants Rangers (warning: contains man boobs)

RANGERS NEWS!



Oh Rangers, why do you keep being so riduclous. Mike Ashley has been told by the SFA that he cannot have more than a 10% stake in the club. The problem being that he probably has more money and power than the SFA and keeps putting more money in. He's recently given a £2m 'loan' to Rangers Football Club in return for chief exec Graham Wallace and finance director Philip Nash leaving the club to be replaced by his own men. That's totally fine guys, please stop suggesting that Rangers and Mike Ashley are really dodgy.

It's not good news for Coisty, Wallace has been a strong defender of him, despite the fact that he's absolutely terrible. I imagine his defence of Ally was more to do with having no money to sack him and get someone new in, rather than his performance. He shouldn't be worried of course, his job is totally safe...well it would be if Mike Ashley wasn't overseeing the most obvious take over since the Nazi annexation of Austria in 1938. 
"What are you doing here?"
"Uh, I just think it's really nice"
"What about those 300,000 soldiers behind you?"

Mike Ashley taking control of Rangers would make perfect sense. He made his money through Sports Direct, a company who already supply the official uniform for Rangers fans, consisting of Rangers top, tracksuit bottoms and sparkling white sport socks to tuck those shiny tracky bottoms in. I don't really see the value in buying a team that is in the Scottish Championship, but he's s billionaire and I'm an idiot, so he probably knows what he's doing.

 Will Ashley ignore the SFA and increase his stake in the club? Will Ally McCoist get the sack? Will Ian Black finally admit he is not human? Tune in next week to the exciting and depressing tales of Rangers football club. Cue death threats

@JackWaterston