Tuesday, 16 September 2014

Reasons why I will be playing Pro Evo again and FIFA 15 can fuck off

As we all know, Fifa has been utterly pish for at least one year now with FIFA 14 by far and away the most boring version of the game since about Fifa..... 08. Or one of those other middle numbers post Pro Evo 6. We've all been at it - FIFA is an institution now. Most people who like football will equate FIFA with being part of football. But that is not how it should be, friends!

I stopped playing it ages ago and yesterday made a life changing decision, which was to buy Pro Evo 2014 again. DRAMATIC MUSIC


You see, the way it worked was that in the olden days (1994) the only genuine choice of football game we had available was FIFA International Soccer or going outside and playing real football. The decline of the Scottish national football team is possibly linked to the rise of the Megadrive, but FIFA ruled the world. I guess International Superstar Soccer was available too but you didn't play that. Not yet.


And so FIFA became FIFA 95, and then that became FIFA 96 and all we did was play those games because they were fun, even though the only way to score was to run to the corner of the penalty box and shoot, or stand in front of the keeper when he kicks it out. Or this:

But it was a video game that you had to beat, not the user interface in which you competed online against a 9 year old Italian kid who only goes as Real Madrid.

1997's game was in 3D and you could play indoors and score from the halfway line and FIFA 98 had Chumbawumba music on it and was exciting from the time when the demo came out (on a CDROM on the front of a magazine) to the time the game actually game out. Oh what joyous times.

Blah blah blah cuts to FIFA trying to get all serious and realistic. I can't even remember FIFA 99 because those of us who weren't cunts had long since switched over to playing N64 games like Goldeneye, and footballingly, ISS64.

And then ISS98, the second greatest football video game every came out.


And then that became 2000 but without going into it too much, FIFA was abysmally appalling by this point. All they seemed to do or care about on their updates was make the graphics seem a bit nicer without doing anything to actually make the game enjoyable. The early arcadey days of FIFA were dead and because they had lots of sponsors etc they kept trying to make it look nice because PEOPLE ARE IDIOTS AND WILL BUY WHAT THEY ARE TOLD. It worked and FIFA kept outselling Konami's game. I think. I have no facts for that at all, but it feels like that is what would have happened. You could probably bet I'm right though, maybe on some sort of site that tells you what the best betting apps are, like bettingappstore.co.uk.

So anyway, normal people had an N64, not a Playstation, and this is why when Playstation 2 came out and made the Gamecube seem pointless, we all went with that. Don't even get me started on the Dreamcast. It was awful.

In *makes up a year* Pro Evo 4 came out and this is the best football game that ever happened. Ever. It's never been beaten by anything and probably never will.

My University days were spent playing Pro Evo 4 and occasionally not being hungover enough to consider going to Uni, which I would then always decide was pointless and instead chose to play Pro Evo 4, or go to the pub and try and meet girls. Do I lament the death of Pro Evo because I associate with my care-free Uni days and my ability to meet 21 year old girls? Probably yes.

So anyway obviously we've all been playing FIFA since Pro Evo completely Pardewed their online game play mode in about Pro Evo...6 (do you remember the teleporting. I WAS THERE. I WAS THEEEEEERE) and everyone stopped playing it and started playing FIFA, cos they'd hired genuinely good football game making staff and realised that they'd completely lost their audience. They had to work hard and built a new game from scratch that might have been FIFA 09 but I suspect was FIFA 10 on the Playstation 3. Next gen gaming.


Sadly, FIFA 10 and FIFA 11 were the Pro Evo 4 of their resurgence. The series would never be as good as these too again. FIFA 10 changed the game and was really fun, but looked ace, and you could do a Be A Pro and could fanny around in the arena and it was clearly a video game. FIFA 11 improved on it, FIFA 12 was pretty good but then bang. FIFA 13 was the beginning of the end, and there are ISIS beheading videos that I would sooner watch again than play FIFA 14.

So to reiterate, the way it works is:

Snes/Megadrive years = FIFA (dominates world by default)
N64/Playstation = Pro Evo/ISS
Playstation 2/Sex Box = Pro Evo (Dominates world)
Playstation 3/Sex Box 360 = FIFA (Completely kills Pro Evo dead, periodically goes to the grave to strangle it some more)



PS4/Xbox1/Wii U = Pro Evo (the triumphant return).

In a way I liken it to 'The Hare and the Tortoise', with FIFA being the hare, because hares are dicks.

I've discussed this much before but friends, yesterday I went to a video game shop in a "mawl" and purchased for £15, the Pro Evolution Soccer game 2014. It's fucking brilliant.

Why is it so good? 

Reason 1: unlike FIFA 14, it doesn't feel like you're fighting the game constantly. When you play FIFA it's a battle not only to beat your opponent but to also avoid boredom, the computer passing to the wrong person, a random corner headed goal, and just other assorted bullshit that makes it lame. I played Pro Evo for 4 hours in a row without being bored on Monday night. I can't manage 2 games of FIFA in a row without drinking beer at the same time to numb my brain.

Reason 2: You can play tournaments and leagues without it being some hugely complicated championship manager rip off. Did you notice that in FIFA? You can't play a fucking tournament without buying it. The game costs like £50 and you have to buy a secret feature like a tournament. It makes me physically angry.

Reason 3: EA Sports know they've won the battle and don't give a shit now. New features include: Better goalkeepers? :-/ great if there's one thing I love it's an impossible 'Robot that kills people in the opening scene of Robocop' goalkeeper. Or how about 'sexier faces?' or 'more stadiums'? It's like going to the Natural History Museum to look at the T Rex to be told that they've gotten rid of it and instead there's a new interactive animatronic Allosaurus (they look the same, right? but they're cheaper, yeh?) that you can take a selfie with and it's sponsored by Coca Cola. And also the Allosaurus is racist and constantly posts Facebook updates about Independence with lots of exclamation marks, having not read the content in the actual article about which they are so outraged.

Reason 4: The commentary on Pro Evo is appalling and that makes it amazing. It's so much more fun when the commentary makes no sense. Oh and on a serious note the player likeness is great too. Load times are dreadful but it looks nice.

Reason 5: You don't need any other reasons. It's just fun.

So, in conclusion. If you want to be a massive jerk, buy the new FIFA and keep playing it. Keep spending your money on Ultimate Team, and indirectly - through mass peer pressure - force little kids to use their pocket money to buy little virtual stickers of players that should be completely free instead of on other games, or things that involve going outside. It's an absolute travesty that EA Sports charge so much for one packet of virtual things. It's an exact replica of what's wrong with modern football - those who can afford to waste money on loads of stickers will do it, because they can, and those who desperately just want to have that player they really want but can't afford it are forced to give handjobs to truckers on the layby near my house I mean get a job and earn money.

Fuck off EA Sports.

I'm going back to the days of University when things were fun. Join me!  I also bought a Wii U. Let's play MARIO KART TOGETHER!  YAEEEEEHHHHH!!!!  AM I HAVING ANOTHER LIFE CRISIS? QUITE POSSIBLY! HOORRAAAAAYYYYYY

And that is why I will be playing Pro Evo from now on.