Wednesday, 24 September 2014

8 Things Louis Van Gaal Has Absolutely No Control Over At Manchester United

We all know that Louis Van Gaal is a genius who will lead Manchester United towards a new decade of dominance. That's just scientific fact. Whether it be a 3-4-1-2, a 3-5-2 or any number of diamond formations, the Dutchman's tactical influence effects all he encounters. But what are some things that he does not have an influence over?

1. This tugboat

No matter how hard he tries, Louis Van Gaal just can't get this tugboat to adjust to his philosophy at Manchester United. Fun Fact: Tugboats are just normal boats like you or I!

2. Alex Salmond

Alex Salmond's political mindset just can't be changed, even with strict one on one coaching by Van Gaal.

3. The moon


The moon orbits the earth and Louis Van Gaal simply has no way of controlling it's gravitational pull or even appearance. Although it looks the same size as a coin, this is actually because it's very far away. Fun Fact: Richard Branson owns the moon.

Another Fun Fact: the moon is where space jail is.

4. This fox

This fox doesn't take any of Louis Van Gaal's shit and actively ignores tactical advice from him. His influential team talks have absolutely no effect on the Dutchman. Fun Fact: there are foxes that live outside my house and sometimes I chase them.

5. Australian foreign policy

Man United have so many dirty foreigners in their team now that Tony Abbot and all of Australia's foreign policy decisions cannot be influenced one iota by Louis Van Gaal's decisions. Even playing Wayne Rooney in the number 10 role won't change the way they think about ISIS.

7. This girl's sexy skeleton outfit

This girl has made her decision to wear a sexy skeleton costume, and is sticking to it. Van Gaal's comparisons of past teams he led to glory and even his requests for patience from Man United fans won't stop her being hot and wearing a skeleton costume. Jesus christ I want to do terrible things to

8. This other tugboat

 This tugboat might even be a toy, we can't be sure, what we can be 100% positive of is that it doesn't matter what Van Gaal says or who he buys, until the tugboat completes its journey from point A to B, we may never be 100% sure of anything again. Especially we may never be sure where speficially the number six role defensive diamond formation Tylor Blackett Falcao F Zero X.