Friday, 15 August 2014


KAPPOW! Out of the depths of nothing comes the Premier League, ready to provide a platform with which to sell you electronic goods, insurance and entice you into the world of gambling. It's heeeeeere EXPLOSION NOISES

Last season was very lovely and this will be no different. If you've been on the internet in the last few weeks you'll have noticed that you can read any number of previews about what will happen this year. If you haven't heard of a preview before, what happens is a journalist guesses what they think will happen, based on who has the most expensive people and what will prevent them from getting the most amount of abuse from idiots on Twitter. I think Arsenal will win the league this year and Manchester United will also win the league.

I also think Chelsea or Manchester City will win the league. Michael Owen thinks that Didier Drogba *might* do well at Chelsea, and various other journalists think Liverpool or Spurs will or will not be in the top five.

The problem is that no-one actually knows anything, because it's in the future. Except for bookies. Incidentally, if you were thinking about betting on the opening weekend of the Premier League, you can do so on the internet, sponsored by gambling and poker. And boobs.

What will happen for the rest of the season? I predict that three teams will get relegated, people will overreact about stuff that happens, football websites (including ones that I work for) will keep doing lists about stuff and various YouTubers will do wacky zany things like shout over games of FIFA. Maybe ISS will come back into fashion. Here's a thing I did on penalty shootouts in video games.

Before the season even really begins we get to read lots of transfer rumours. That's always great fun, but how does a transfer work? This sentence is nothing more than a thinly veiled advert/plea for you to watch a video I made with muppet puppets:

And then Transfer Deadline Day comes:

Lots of homeless people and jakeys wander about outside football stadiums trying desperately to feel like they belong to something. If only the Islamic State liked football, they wouldn't be going around murdering children. I went to Transfer Deadline Day last year.

Vice did an actual proper article on it which is a lot better.

What else? I went to the Planetarium yesterday and they showed a 45 minute advert for Google Xprize. It's this thing where teams have to build a rocket that goes to the moon and a little car thing comes out and has to travel 500 metres and then they win $20million. I agree, that doesn't seem like a lot of money and I read all about it on my way into the planetarium thing.

Then 5 minutes into the presentation/film it turned into an advert for f**king Google. And I'd paid to watch this. It's a good job you don't pay to read this because I'd be annoyed if you had to pay for something which was basically just a cunningly placed ad link in an article I'm only writing to fill time while I wait for my pal so I can go and have beer.

And on that note, let's take a minute to remember Chris Samba

May your Premier League predictions all come true. I was supposed to set up a Fantasy Football league as well but Jack normally does that. SO MUCH TO DO BLOODY HELL