Tuesday, 1 July 2014

FIFA 15 is totally different because graphics

FIFA 14 was/is really not very fun to play. It's so not fun that I went out of my way to get an N64 and ISS98 just to try and remember what being happy feels like while playing a football computer game and so that's why I'm especially delighted that the new FIFA's main feature is that the graphics are a bit better.

As you will have observed in the video the best new thing about the game is that Eden Hazard really looks a lot like Eden Hazard:

Especially when he's doing Eden Hazard things like pointless flicks that don't serve any purpose than to occasionally give the ball away to an opponent.

Rather than helping the seemingly overloaded and largely useless EA servers from struggling to work at any time of day, EA have decided that playing with photoshop for the last year is what will make everyone flock to stores to buy their game. "Oh doesn't he look like Eden Hazard!" they'll say while they wait another 20 minutes for the latest update to download before they can play. "Doesn't Ronaldo look like Ronaldo!" they'll say, ignoring Ronaldo's inability to run faster than a 38 year old centre back for a Japanese B team who is also in a wheelchair and dead.

I'm going to assume that there are acutally lots of massive differences in gameplay, because obviously they can't just put the same game with a couple of minor graphical tweaks out - that'd be disrespectful to their customers. Customers which of course include those jerks off the internet and children. I'd be willing to bet money on it in fact, and if I did I would probably go to somewhere like www.bestbettingwebsites.com for no reason at all. Then again, every single bet I've put on this World Cup has been wrong so far so maybe you shouldn't trust my bets.

The last great feature featured in the video is that now you can see players breathe! WOW! And their hair moves real nice. Instantly I don't miss the days of the 30 yard Adriano power smashes or any of the arcadey quirks that first made football games fun in the first place. No, no what I've wanted all along is the chance to make Jan Vertonghen - JAN VERTONGHEN - breathe in a computer game. Presumably the next step is that if they don't breathe the player will die which is why the controversial new strangle move built into the game, brought about by a cross platform marketing strategy with WWE and UFC, will prove so popular.

I miss being able to slide tackle the goalkeeper. Is that really so much to ask?