Thursday, 31 July 2014

3 incredible illustrations of footballers

This is what it would look like is a pelican wearing a sombrero ate Mesut Ozil

 This is what it would look like if Robin Van Persie killed a crab who had stolen his cinema tickets with an axe

And this is what Luis Suarez would look like if he was a ghost

Friday, 25 July 2014

Aberdeen fans attacked by idiots

Aberdeen successfully navigated their way to the nineteenth qualification round of the UEFA Cup yesterday by beating FC Groningen 2-1 on Thursday evening. Before the game some lovely hooligans even joined in the party!

It's very sad that there are still many humans too stupid to realise that attacking other people because they support a different football team or have slightly different beliefs in things to them is utterly stupid. Luckily then for evolution that football hooligans exist because it means the rest of us can keep working on how to live on the moon instead, leaving the rest behind to shoot each other to death.

There on the moon we can start a human society. I think I should probably be the leader of it because I'm very friendly and wouldn't let the power go to my head.

These attacks in Groningen yesterday resulted in three Dutch people and one Scottish person being arrested under charges of "being dicks". Later, with the red mist having settled, they all took to their Facebook pages to express their regret. "I'm not normally like that! I don't know what came over me lol" they all say, and their friends describe those actions as very out of character. "Normally when he's not a violent hooligan he's actually quite nice" they say.

Monday, 14 July 2014

The Deeply Unofficial World Cup Anthem

I have been hard at work making a World Cup anthem that borrows most of itself from that Pitbull song. Please enjoy

Love from me. x

Friday, 11 July 2014

Arsenal have a Puma kit

Arsenal have a new kit and a sexy new signing so it's a good job that they had a very elaborate launch party on Thursday evening, projecting a hologram of Arsene Wenger onto the London Eye.

Because just telling people on the internet or a press conference isn't cool enough to be featured in all the football blogs, Arsenal went the extra mile and used science to have various Arsenal players in the new kit appear like spooky ghosts. Above is the ghost of Christmas past, Christmas future and the ghost of Mikel Arteta, who actually played all of last season.

I think that one is Jack Wilshere. For a better look at the kit you can see the actual press promo pictures they released.

You can buy the kit at JD Sports too, so that's good. It's infinitely better than any of the Nike kits anyway. Man United have apparently decided to rebrand themselves as Chevrolet United.

Remember when Puma wasn't one of the cool guys? Me too and so do people who work at Puma which is why they've worked at making cool. And that's how things become cool. Isn't it funny how things become trendy again over time? I remember when glasses and beards were once the uniform of art teachers and childrens TV presenters, but thankfully now they're back in fashion. So as a man unable to grow a Pirlo beard, thanks for ruining my chances on Tinder, you hipster fashion jerks. 

Luis Suarez is still banned for biting a human

One of the things that we have not discussed on FitbaThatba is Luis Suarez biting that man. Because the subject is still so fresh and no-one has done any memes on it, I thought it would be good to point out to you that FIFA have not reduced his punishment.

Someone at FIFA said:
"blah blah blah that ban we gave him is still totally happening"
And newspapers everywhere went "no way" and so he's still banned because he bit someone. A lot of people have said things like 'if I bit someone at work I'd get fired!' but what they're forgetting is that they work in an office and aren't important. At all. As in if they didn't show up for a few days everyone would just shrug and go "oh I wonder where he's gone. What will I have in my sandwich for lunch today?". Luis Suarez has money - have you really not figured out how the world works yet?

Anyway, as you and everyone is aware, Luis Suarez is moving to Barcelona in exactly eleven days and he is quite keen to make sure he's actually allowed to play for them. This is like when that guy wearing full prison dress came to my party but he was still technically a convict and had to go back to prison once someone at the party grassed him up. And I was disappointed about that cos I hadn't seen my Dad for about four years before that day.

Thursday, 10 July 2014

Arsenal sign a man

Arsenal Football Club have signed Alexis Sanchez for £20 from Barcelona. What a bargain, I thought he would cost several millions.

According to The Sun, which is a newspaper that builders and poor people read, The Gunners (c) have signed Alexis Sanchez for £33million and he will therefore play for The Gunners (c) next season. This is a good signing for them because Mesut Ozil now has someone to pass to that isn't Oliver Giroud or Theo Walcott, who is injured. Or maybe Alex Oxlade Chamberlain. According to one of those Twitter people that I hate:
That's made up, however. I don't know how any of those 'transfer rumours OH MY GOD SHOCKING NEWS' Twitter accounts get their shocking news, and I have absolutely no clue as to how many things they get right. What I do know is that I'm not sure why I still follow them on Twitter. I'm also not sure if I should buy a hat

Ron Vlaar actually scored that penalty

You may recall that recently Ron Vlaar missed a penalty and I know what you're thinking: "Ron Vlaar" and yes, you're right. Ron Vlaar. But he actually scored that penalty.

If you click on this picture above you will discover a shocking truth. That truth is that Ron Vlaar was allowed to take a penalty in a World Cup semi-final. The other truth is that his penalty was saved but then rolled into the goal which should mean that it counts. Let's investigate more:

As we can see, the ball rebounds off the arms of Romero and back into the middle of the penalty box, but with lots of spin. Like Alistair Campbell.


But then the ball goes into the goal. The crucial point we must consider is whether the ball spins off Ron Weasley's shoulder

I think it does. This whole thing is bollocks. Sorry. I am ashamed of myself. I have ashamed my country. The only way out... is suicide

Neymar is a little bitch

Neymar is quite good at football and that's why the entire of Brazil seems to think he's some sort of fucking witch or wizard, or whatever it is that does the best thing. Either way he keeps crying all of the time and it's annoying.

According to people on Twitter who are in Brazil, he's on TV right now (11pm at night in UK time) crying about how that Colombian guy nearly put him in a wheelchair. HELLO? It's 2014, being in a wheelchair is totally cool now. How offensive can you even be?

This video should remind you of how grown men are supposed to behave. Neymar, meanwhile, is setting a terrible example to Brazilians everywhere. I never cry because I am all man. I'm so much of a man that penis enlarging companies put my emails in the trash.

Tuesday, 1 July 2014

FIFA 15 is totally different because graphics

FIFA 14 was/is really not very fun to play. It's so not fun that I went out of my way to get an N64 and ISS98 just to try and remember what being happy feels like while playing a football computer game and so that's why I'm especially delighted that the new FIFA's main feature is that the graphics are a bit better.

As you will have observed in the video the best new thing about the game is that Eden Hazard really looks a lot like Eden Hazard:

Especially when he's doing Eden Hazard things like pointless flicks that don't serve any purpose than to occasionally give the ball away to an opponent.

Rather than helping the seemingly overloaded and largely useless EA servers from struggling to work at any time of day, EA have decided that playing with photoshop for the last year is what will make everyone flock to stores to buy their game. "Oh doesn't he look like Eden Hazard!" they'll say while they wait another 20 minutes for the latest update to download before they can play. "Doesn't Ronaldo look like Ronaldo!" they'll say, ignoring Ronaldo's inability to run faster than a 38 year old centre back for a Japanese B team who is also in a wheelchair and dead.

I'm going to assume that there are acutally lots of massive differences in gameplay, because obviously they can't just put the same game with a couple of minor graphical tweaks out - that'd be disrespectful to their customers. Customers which of course include those jerks off the internet and children. I'd be willing to bet money on it in fact, and if I did I would probably go to somewhere like for no reason at all. Then again, every single bet I've put on this World Cup has been wrong so far so maybe you shouldn't trust my bets.

The last great feature featured in the video is that now you can see players breathe! WOW! And their hair moves real nice. Instantly I don't miss the days of the 30 yard Adriano power smashes or any of the arcadey quirks that first made football games fun in the first place. No, no what I've wanted all along is the chance to make Jan Vertonghen - JAN VERTONGHEN - breathe in a computer game. Presumably the next step is that if they don't breathe the player will die which is why the controversial new strangle move built into the game, brought about by a cross platform marketing strategy with WWE and UFC, will prove so popular.

I miss being able to slide tackle the goalkeeper. Is that really so much to ask?