Thursday, 5 June 2014

What did we learn from England v Ecuador?

England drew 2-2 with EcuaDOORRRRRRR dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun dun last night in their World Cup warm up game but what did we learn?


1. Ross Barkley and Oxlade-Chamberlain are very good

Young Ross Barkley and Young Oxlade-Chamberlain ran a lot and were very fast - two of the only ingredients required to become England legends.  If you combine some ball skills and a power strike, and maybe a little salt, well baby, you've got a stew going


2. James Milner probably shouldn't play right back

Unless of course you mean right back.... in the changing room!

Wait..

3. Jack Wilshere is not a holding midfield player

listed as 'attacking midfielder'

Jack Wilshere had to put up with playing nearly a whole game of watching Ross Barkley do what Jack Wilshere used to when everyone thought Jack Wilshere was the best thing since sliced bread or headphones.  To deal with this realisation he decided to fall over a lot and give the ball away as much as possible.  Thankfully Frank Lampard isn't a holding midfield player either and so both were regularly out of position, allowing Ecuador's POWER STRIKE equalisation.


4. Oxlade-Chamberlain might be injured

Young Oxlade-Chamberlain used his pace and cunning to track back an Ecuadorian attack only to possibly rupture his knee ligaments when an Ecuadorian player fell over onto his leg.  Fortunately for England this means they have a direct replacement in Michael 'tug boat sideways man' Carrick or Tom 'please keep me out of newspapers for just a few more months' Cleverley.

5. Something about Wayne Rooney

The papers have all run stories asking whether Wayne Rooney should be dropped but hopefully he isn't because if someone dropped him it would make a loud bang BECAUSE HE'S SO FAT HA HA AHA HAH A

But seriously, he is going to be large when he retires.

6. Chris Smalling - why?


I still haven't seen Chris Smalling do anything that makes me think he's an international footballer yet but then again I haven't seen Grant Hanley do anything that makes me think he's human so I guess I'll just have to leave this train of thought.

7. The only thing anyone thinks of when they hear the word 'Ecuador' is the song 'Ecuador' by Sash


8. Fifa 14 is still shit

I tried playing it again last night but had to physically restrain myself from punching my playstation to death.  I'm not sure how this is related to the England game last night

9. Roy Hodgson looks like a fucking owl


10. Valencia is not a robot

Raheem Sterling was sent off for trying to murder Antonio Valencia on the touchline and he reacted in a very uncharacteristic way, by reacting at all.  Until last night I was about 70% sure that he was built out of policeman that had been killed on duty and was controlled by someone playing Scalextrics, seeing as the only thing that he does is go up and down in a straight line very fast and occasionally flies off the track.  And at that point you realise you're bored of playing Scalextrics because you can't really race properly but you have noticed that electricity smells nice