Friday, 23 May 2014

The trailer for the Fifa film is awful

Fifa were just sitting around their palace the other year congratulating each other on how great they are, before one of the wounded slaves hired to build things in Qatar, who had been staying there to recover, said 'why not make a film so EVERYONE knows how good you are!'  And then the slave died along with countless others but WHO CARES COS THERE'S A FIFA FILM!


The film is called United Passions and stars Tim Roth, Gerard Depardieu and that guy from Jurassic Park, whose role we can probably safely assume is a man trying to deal with his rejection of the father figure role forced upon him whilst simultaneously and subconsciously performing it while protecting some kids from a feminist monster that has broken free of the oppression in this male dominated world.

According to the trailer the movie includes the iconic moment that a bunch of rich white people held hands around a table and began chanting Fifa, because that is how these things start.  It was the same for Microsoft and RedTube.

Plot-wise I can't really tell what the point of the movie is, the trailer starts going on about the history of football and then there seems to be some sort of 'evil corporation' character to be the bad guy, except the evil corporation guy in this film is Adidas, which is one of the main corporate partners of the World Cup.  This makes me think they might not be painted in a bad way.  There's also a woman in one scene very briefly, and I wouldn't put it past Sepp Blatter to have included a sex scene where he rescues a woman from a fire and then has full penetrative sex on screen with her as a way of her saying thanks to him.  And the scene is about 15 minutes long.  Then in the cinema he can nudge the girl next to him and raise his eyebrows a couple of times.


Before I'd seen the trailer there was zero chance of me going to watch a film where corrupt rich people congratulate themselves on making lots of money, but now I've seen it I want to know whether that sex scene I made up actually exists because goddammit I love titties.  The only way they could have saved this would have been making FIFA 14 the movie, which is where someone hunts down the guy that ruined that game and kicks him in the nuts until he says sorry