Sunday, 4 May 2014

Ronaldo goes all Jackie Chan on our asses

Ronaldo only scored one goal tonight which he will be really annoyed about. However the goal was probably worth 10 goals, but  technically it only won one point so how much is it really worth? Someone make my brain stop.


Atletico lost to Levante 2-0 earlier today and all the people in Real Madrid land said "ooooooooooooh yeah!" and thought they would defeat Valencia at home and be the champions of the world like that shitty song by "Reverend and The Makers". Imagine giving yourself  the nickname "The Reverend" - what a monumental bellend you must be. Real Madrid didn't win though, they drew and draws are rubbish.

At 2-1 down Ronaldo tried everything he could to get Madrid back into the game. This included shouting at Benzema for being shit, shouting at Morata for being shit, shouting at Marcelo for being shit, shouting at Bale for being shit, shouting at Di Maria for being shit and even shouting at Ronaldo for passing to other people.

All seemed lost when in the 92nd minute, he remembered the flying back-heel kick that he had been taught by his good friend Jackie Chan. Ronaldo and Jackie have a close friendship that goes way back to Ronaldo's days growing up in a rough suburb in Portugal City, Portugal. Being bullied at school, Jackie took young Ronaldo under his wing and taught him everything he knows so Ronaldo could beat up the school bully and impress some young slag at his school.  Ronaldo didn't have a father, and Jackie Chan lost his family in the war or some shit, I can't really remember Karate Kid.  Fast-forward 15 years and Ronaldo is flying-back-heeling the fuck out of the ball into the goal net.

It's actually ludicrously good - watch it right here with the magical power of YouTube