Thursday, 22 May 2014

Neil Lennon quits Celtic

Neil Lennon ended his four year stay at Celtic today to chase his dreams of becoming a professional crocodile hunter.

Despite having probably the easiest job in football, Lennon has done his absolute best at all times to make sure that everyone knows he is a penis.  Whether it be inciting anger amongst crowds or painting himself as the one true victim of life, everyone on the planet should be aware that Neil Lennon truly is the greatest manager ever of all time, according to Neil Lennon.  The BBC says:
"I have parted company with Celtic," the 42-year-old Northern Irishman said in a brief statement.
"The club are in a very strong position and I wish the fans and the club all the very best for the future."
Clearly the real reason he's left is to pursue his dream of being a Premier League manager and hang out with the other stars.  The problem with this is that Neil Lennon leaving Celtic, a place where he could comfortably stay as manager for life, to try and be a Premier League manager is like someone who does karaoke and once had someone tell them they were quite good leaving their office job to become a full time singer.  It's basically this storyline

But instead of a deluded fame hunter, it's a man that nobody likes.  Some people (celtic fans) tell me "Lennon's a great manager!  He got Celtic to the last sixteen of the Champions League!  They beat Barcelona!".  So what?  Aberdeen drew with Bayern Munich about 6 years ago, does that make Jimmy Calderwood one of the greatest tactical minds of our time?  European teams generally find it hard to play against Scottish minnows because that 'underdog' spirit, passion of the crowd, and the pure 'defend and battering ram' approach taken is pretty hard to deal with when you're used to playing football.

I actually found a copy of Lennon's tactics book a while ago, as most of you will remember

The worst thing about this announcement from Neil Lennon is that Celtic will actually be good now.  He won the league because Rangers went into administration and won two Scottish cups with by far and away the best team, with a wage bill larger than some countries.  In context, this is like Mike Tyson celebrating the incredible feat of beating me up.

One of this main reasons for leaving is that he's not happy with the transfer budget he has available to him next season.  Celtic's closest rivals in the league - Aberdeen and Motherwell - have a transfer budget of roughly zero.  The team that knocked them out of the League Cup last year - Morton - are basically a small village team.  Great tactics Neil, really well done.

And so the next chapter in Neil Lennon's managerial career begins as he spends the summer as a pundit for the BBC desperately trying to raise his profile enough to be given a job.  When he eventually gets one at a Championship club, this chapter will become equal parts comedy and tragedy, as after a successful start to his new career he is found out quicker than two men in a horse costume at a horse party, or me at a terrible analogies convention.  Or similes.  Think it's similes.

Anyway, good night sweet prince.  See you in about 5 months when you take over at Wigan after Uwe Rosler moves to one of the Premier League clubs who sack their manager.