Friday, 30 May 2014

One Direction man wants to buy Doncaster Rovers

One of the members of that band who is addicted to drugs is seriously considering buying Doncaster Rovers because he likes them and is rich.


This punk is called Louis Tomlinson and he sings in One Direction.  Don't try and pretend you don't know who they are.  The Daily Mail says:
One Direction's Louis Tomlinson is believed to be on the verge of buying his beloved Doncaster Rovers. 
Just days after shocking video footage of the 22-year-old apparently smoking cannabis in Peru emerged, it has been revealed that the singer plans to buy the League One side.   
But, lifelong Rovers fan Tomlinson - who even made an appearance for the club's reserves team earlier this year - is said to be concerned the recent controversy could jeopardise his chances.
I was as shocked as the next man when the news broke that two of One Direction do drugs.  "Boys in a band in their mid-20s DOING DRUGS?!" I yelled, in the middle of the street and I fell to my knees and sobbed.  And then like in that Radiohead video for Just lots of other people kept walking up to me and when I told them why I was naked and humping a statue of Robert the Bruce at 2pm on a Thursday they couldn't believe it either and all did the same thing.  Well at least I think they did, Tennants super is quite strong and I had lost my contact lenses.  I seem to remember that the police didn't seem to care as much about the news as I did

Nigeria under investigation for 2-2 draw with Scotland

As we discussed before Scotland's 2-2 draw with Nigeria, there were loud rumours that the game was being investigated for match fixing.  Many people dismissed this as blatant racism against Nigerians, and I can sort of see where they're coming from except then this happened....


Yes, that is the Nigerian goalie throwing the ball into his own net.  This one was disallowed for some reason, and if that counts as a foul in international football, John Sutton should consider himself lucky for not having been euthanised for his forearm smash against Aberdeen on the last day of the season.

An "own goal" by Nigeria made the game 2-1 to Scotland, which is very convenient, but then a Scotland defender fannied about inside his own box and allowed the Super Eagles to score an equaliser, to the dismay of all his team mates.  I mean... the Scotland players.

I'm not sure if they're actually under investigation but I do know that the SFA was contacted about possible match fixing before the game.  And to put it in context, on a scale of 1-10 on the 'how arsed can you be to play Scotland' game, I would suspect World Cup participating Nigeria were probably at about -3.  Plus, we all know that a little gambling makes every sport more fun.  How else am I supposed to enjoy my niece's sports day if I can't threaten to shatter little Tommy's knee caps?  I swear to god Tommy, if you don't finish top 3 in the sack race

Norway v Russia has banned rainbow flags and gay stuff

Gay-friendly Scandinavians Norway are playing Russia in a friendly tonight, and in a settlement between the two nations (read: from Russia), anyone with a rainbow flag will be expelled.


If there's one thing a developing world community needs it's people who are intolerant of other cultures, but at least the film American Beauty has taught us that the reason Putin does this is because he LOVES men.  A lot. He can't get enough.  Don't tell anyone though cos he gets all mad and starts denying it.

Anyway, this is a real story but the rumour is that because Norway is kinda on the ball with most things, the reason they've done this is to raise awareness and probably force people who wouldn't normally bring anything gay like a rainbow flag to a football match to do so.  They don't really think those things should be banned and if you hide things in your pants, there's not an awful lot they can do about it.  So if you are a Norwegian living in Norway, go out and do loads of super gay stuff at the game tonight, regardless of whether you are or not.  Or get you and your pals to wear shirts that are the colours of the rainbow and sit in a row together.

And watch out for Putin after the game


Joey Barton goes on Question Time

Joey Barton started reading books about five years ago in a bid to stop himself from punching people half to death outside McDonalds and this is why he was invited on to Question Time last night.


The outspoken Twitter philosopher was actually quite good on the show apart from the bit where he went (in reply to some UKIP woman):
‘You won the election? You won seats in the European Parliament that nobody really cares about'.
‘All you represent to me as Ukip is the best of a bad bunch. If I’m somewhere and there are four really ugly girls and I’m thinking she is not the worst, that is all you represent to us.’
Which is the equivalent to the Daily Mail of feeding your mogwai after midnight.  OH THE OUTRAGE!  I'm not sure this is the worst thing that anyone's ever said on Question Time but then again I only watch it to make myself feel better about having spent the previous few hours refreshing facebook.  Afterwards I get to watch redtube as a treat!  Ahhh Mia Malkova.  One day.

Wednesday, 28 May 2014

Pochettino is the Spurs boss

Mauricio Pochettino has been appointed as the new Spurs manager and has been given a shiny five year contract.


As we all know, the translator is the real manager!  HA HA HAH AH AHA H.  According to various sources, Spurs have already begun searching for Pochettino's replacement.  Not really, but if they do get rid sometime next year expect David Moyes to come creeping in.

This won't happen of course because the now ex-Southampton boss, fleeing the club before they sell every single one of their good players and get relegated, has a five year contract.  A football managers contract. A contract which is as about as legally binding as the signs at the zoo that forbid you from shagging the animals.  Or feeding them.

Whichever it is, if you could Google 'ways to escape zoo security office' for me that would be a big help and if you could do it in the next like 25 seconds and let me know that'd be better 

ESPN anchor Lisa Kerney is really good at football stats

North America is getting pretty good at football knowledge these days with the exception of Lisa Kerney, who doesn't seem to understand what's going on at all


Poor Lisa has a bit of trouble deciphering the cryptic statistics sheet laid out before our eyes in the above video, but I can understand.  It's very difficult to comprehend what all those numbers below the clearly defined category tables could possibly mean, especially if your main job as a sports anchor is to be able to read an auto-cue and do research on the things that might come up on your auto-cue.  You know.  Things like sports.  

David Luiz breaks football/economics

PSG have signed, or agreed to sign, David Luiz for £50million.  That's the same David Luiz that no-one in the world is sure is actually any good or not


The Guardian says:
The deal, which will be a world record for a defender, remains subject to a medical and personal terms, but the player wrote on Twitter: “Tks CFC for this time of great partnership. I’m thankful for all! It’s a new challenge and together we’ll go even further. Allez Paris!”
The French champions expect the formalities to be completed on 10 June, when the transfer market reopens.
It's a great bit of business for Chelsea who will presumably use the money to sign someone reliable like Han Solo.  You can always depend on him, he's a real scoundrel.  You'd like him.

Yaya Toure is a jerk

Yaya Toure's agent came out with some bollocks about him not being given a birthday cake or a car for his birthday by Manchester City and now he says he would be honoured to join PSG.  It's almost as if this whole thing is about money


Toure starred for City last season, scoring over 900 goals as they won the space league, Premier League and Best Original Screenplay in one season.  That wasn't enough for Yaya Toure because trophies can't buy cars and mansions unless you melt them and make coins out of it, but he doesn't own the trophies himself and so must make do with "money".
“Given the goals of Paris, how could you not be interested in a club like that?” TourĂ© told France Football. “PSG have become one of the strongest teams in Europe. It would be a honour to one day play for a club like that. If I can be of service [then good].
“Given the magnificent season Manchester City have had, everyone talks about me and everything is open. My agent, Dimitry [Seluk], is hanging on the telephone and he knows what he has to do, I have complete confidence in him. Nobody knows what can happen tomorrow, my attention is on the World Cup and we will see afterwards.”
The goals of Paris as I understand them are to buy all of the best players they can, pay them more than they could ever need, pay no attention to financial fair play regulations and eventually win the Champions League so it can be melted down to make coins.  And why are they doing this? Because fuck you, that's why


Tuesday, 27 May 2014

Scotland Vs Nigeria: Nothing to see here

Nothing dodgy has ever happened in the history of Nigerian football...so reports coming out that there may have been some match-fixing threats around this friendly, leaves me shocked and appalled.


Tomorrow night, Scotland play Nigeria at Fulham's Craven Cottage which makes absolutely no sense at all. I guess Nigeria thought nobody would bother watching this game so a spot of alleged match-fixing wouldn't be noticed. The National Crime Agency, which is apparently is a less sexier version of the FBI, have contacted the SPL and alerted them to some threats to rig the game. I'm not sure how it works, but I think if anyone scores an own goal, they are immediately arrested. 

It's been said that Scotland are not being investigated, so using my powerful detective skills, this leaves the team they are playing. As long as the match fixing is hilarious, I'm not really that fussed. Last year a Nigerian team called Police Machine won a game 67-0 - which is fucking mental anyway, but even better when you discover that at half time they were only winning 6-0. There were 61 goals after half-time -how is that even possible? 

If every Nigerian is like the lovely person who e-mailed me the other day, then I cannot see this story going any further. My new best friend Prince Umbukwe Bogle is due to inherit a lot of money but cannot open a bank account. All he needed was my bank details so the money can be transferred and then we are splitting it 60-40, which seems fair since he's never met me and keeps calling me different names. I'm not sure how much I'm going to get but I've already handed in my notice at work. My boss said I was " a fucking idiot" - could she be any more jealous?

Suarez: Meniscus is the new metatarsal

Luis Suarez is facing a battle to be ready for the World Cup after having an operation on his meniscus, whatever the fuck that might be.


Suarez was transported from hospital dressed like ET


But unlike that loveable little alien, Suarez can't simply phone home to repair his shattered dreams or even his broken knee, which is actually where the meniscus is.  I knew all along!  Also unlike that little alien, if you find Suarez hiding in your shed at night you know that something has gone wrong as opposed to it being right if you find an alien because then you can shag it

Monday, 26 May 2014

Tom Ince wants to be like his Dad

Everyone tells me that Tom Ince is good, but everyone also told me I'd enjoy ski-ing and then Michael Schumacher almost died so I don't know what to believe anymore.  Where is that guy anyway?


Good old Tom is rumoured to maybe be moving to Inter Milan, or has maybe just said that he wants to move there because his Dad did too.  I haven't read the article yet.  Let's investigate!
Ince is out of contract at Blackpool this summer and a transfer abroad would earn the Championship side just £155,000 in compensation.
"I'm not an Inter player yet," he added. "But I'm very happy to be here two or three days in the meantime.
"Inter have a fantastic squad and Italy is a great country, where I have many fond memories."
What Tom is forgetting is that no-one watches Serie A anymore because James Richardson doesn't talk to himself outside ice cream shops every Sunday morning.  That man is amazing - I don't know a single person who doesn't regard him as some sort of God.  You could get him to present an Al Qaeda beheading video and it'd still be the best thing you'd seen on TV that day

Paolo Di Canio wants the Celtic job

Paolo Di Canio might be mental but at least he has extremist political views and knows how to make people very angry.  These credentials make him perfect for the Celtic job, according to Paolo Di Canio.


According to his agent, from The Graudiad:
 “Paolo would be keen to speak to Celtic. He played for the club and he certainly has a good relationship with the fans. There has been no contact between Paolo and the club. But if there was, it’s something he would consider.”
Imagine if Celtic had a manager that wasn't very good and that nobody liked?  Eh?  Nudge nudge. Wink wink.  Do you get it?  Huh?  

Luka Modric got a haircut

The Champions League is big business which is why Luka Modric got a haircut after he won it


The haircut was administered by a hair doctor, or as the Spanish call them 'El Hairdresso', and was done to mark the historic "La Decima" that Modric and co won on Saturday evening.  The most surprising thing about the haircut is that it's not one of those Shoreditch vest wanker haircuts that everyone has.  You know the one.  Oh you have one?  Well this is awkward

Someone from Wales won the Champions League

Real Madrid won the Champions League this weekend meaning that Gareth Bale has won the Champions League which I think is nice.


Atletico looked like they'd secured probably the greatest ever cup double of all time until the 90th minute, but Sergio Ramos had other plans and kicked the ball with his head into the goal.  This meant that Real had scored a goal and then something just clicked and they scored another three.  GBale scored a header, Ronaldo got a penalty and I can't remember Marcelo's goal but that doesn't matter because you all watched the game.  And if you didn't I really don't know why you're reading this.  

And that is my review of the Champions League final.

Hibs get relegated, Scottish football is strange

Oh my christ, it finally happened.  Hibs, Hearts and Rangers are all in the same league again BUT IT'S NOT THE PREMIERSHIP!


Despite holding a 2-0 lead from the first leg, Hibs managed to relegate themselves to by conceding two to Hamilton, and then missing two penalties, despite being at home and only having to not lost two nil to stay in the Premiership.

Hearts were relegated because the guy that owns them lost all his money when the bank he owns when bust due to the global recession that looks like it's going to start world war 3 and because they were given a massive points deduction, Rangers 2: Return of the Rangers are in the Championship because they cheated, lost all their money and had a massive points deduction and a several league lower demotion and are run by gangsters, and Hibs were relegated because they were goddamn awful.

Poor, poor Terry Butcher.  All he did was abandon an Inverness Caley Thistle side sitting in 2nd and pushing for domestic cups to move to Edinburgh - what has he done to deserve this?  The one positive to come out of this for the Hibs players is that it's still illegal to punch people to death, even in Edinburgh, but at this point I'm not sure even that will keep them safe from Butcher.

After the game he said:
"I remain determined to work to rebuild a team to get this club to where it belongs at the top of Scottish football."
And that should be pretty easy now three of the teams with the highest attendances in Scotland are fighting for two places, and Rangers will buy their way out of it.  Hibs fans were so incensed that they staged a protest.  I'm not exactly what sure they were protesting about but I suspect this is it:
What do we want?  To not be relegated!  When do we want it?  Now?  Wait... it's too late now.  Next year?  Let's try again.  What do we want?  To be promoted!  When do we want it?  Next season!  This is pointless lads
Hopefully the Hibs board will listen to their pleas because before the protest they were planning to get relegated again next year and the year after!  Phew!  Good job guys!

Friday, 23 May 2014

The trailer for the Fifa film is awful

Fifa were just sitting around their palace the other year congratulating each other on how great they are, before one of the wounded slaves hired to build things in Qatar, who had been staying there to recover, said 'why not make a film so EVERYONE knows how good you are!'  And then the slave died along with countless others but WHO CARES COS THERE'S A FIFA FILM!


The film is called United Passions and stars Tim Roth, Gerard Depardieu and that guy from Jurassic Park, whose role we can probably safely assume is a man trying to deal with his rejection of the father figure role forced upon him whilst simultaneously and subconsciously performing it while protecting some kids from a feminist monster that has broken free of the oppression in this male dominated world.

According to the trailer the movie includes the iconic moment that a bunch of rich white people held hands around a table and began chanting Fifa, because that is how these things start.  It was the same for Microsoft and RedTube.

Plot-wise I can't really tell what the point of the movie is, the trailer starts going on about the history of football and then there seems to be some sort of 'evil corporation' character to be the bad guy, except the evil corporation guy in this film is Adidas, which is one of the main corporate partners of the World Cup.  This makes me think they might not be painted in a bad way.  There's also a woman in one scene very briefly, and I wouldn't put it past Sepp Blatter to have included a sex scene where he rescues a woman from a fire and then has full penetrative sex on screen with her as a way of her saying thanks to him.  And the scene is about 15 minutes long.  Then in the cinema he can nudge the girl next to him and raise his eyebrows a couple of times.


Before I'd seen the trailer there was zero chance of me going to watch a film where corrupt rich people congratulate themselves on making lots of money, but now I've seen it I want to know whether that sex scene I made up actually exists because goddammit I love titties.  The only way they could have saved this would have been making FIFA 14 the movie, which is where someone hunts down the guy that ruined that game and kicks him in the nuts until he says sorry

David Moyes allegedly beat some guy up at a wine bar

David Moyes hasn't been having the best of times recently: ridiculed by the press and fired by Manchester United - this week he was even linked with the Celtic job.  The lowest of lows.  The good news is that now he's allegedly snapped and started beating people up outside wine bars


The Telegraph reported the incident thus:
“Police are investigating a report of an assault at the Emporium wine bar in Clitheroe,” Lancashire Constabulary said.
“Officers attended the bar at about 10pm on Wednesday and it was reported that a 23-year-old local man had been assaulted by a 51-year-old man. He did not require hospital treatment.
“Inquiries are ongoing and we are speaking to a number of people to try to establish the circumstances.
“There are a number of differing accounts which we need to work through to try to establish exactly what has happened. No-one has been arrested at this stage.”
But if you read the Daily Mail's version, the story is essentially a comic book where the uncontrollable David Moyes loses his cool and, unable to contain his rage, tries to kill an innocent boy who just wanted his autograph.  Who is this man?  WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS TRYING TO MINGLE WITH NORMAL PEOPLE?
Moyes, 51, allegedly erupted in a rage after he was subjected to a torrent of abuse as he arrived with friends. One drinker is said to have goaded him about his recent sacking by Manchester United. 
Witnesses say Moyes suddenly turned round and lunged at Joshua Gillibrand, 23, grabbing a bottle from a table and hitting him on the side of the head.
I have no idea what actually happened but I would suspect that the bellend he is alleged to have attacked probably deserved it.  "He doesn't even like football" says his Mum in that same article and that pretty much sums it up for me.  No interest in it but desperate to latch on to the misery of a fellow human being because he's "on the telly" and isn't real.

I don't know what it is about some people who don't realise that footballers, managers and celebrities are real humans as well, and when you spend half an hour winding one up, you shouldn't be surprised when they get angry.  It's like going to the zoo and telling the monkeys to fuck off then being shocked that your girlfriend has left both you and the zoo because you're a jerk who spends their Saturday swearing at monkeys.

*BONG* Osama Bin Laden planned to blow up David Seamen *BONG*

According to a magazine thing that I stumbled across yesterday, Osama Bin Laden had a terrorist plan to explode David Seamen and shoot Alan Shearer in the face.


Once you've read the above article you'll learn that as early as 1994, keen Arsenal fan Bin Laden, whose favourite player was Ian Wright, had attempted to organise a sporting massacre even worse than that time Aberdeen got pumped 9-0 off Celtic.  The plan involved a suicide bomber wandering onto the pitch after England scored against Tunisia in the 98 World Cup and blowing up David Seamen, while other men threw grenades into the subs bench to take out Glenn Hoddle, Michael Owen and David Beckham and finally, someone else would run onto the pitch and shoot Alan Shearer in the face with a shotgun.

None of these things actually happened in real life, as we know, but I will say that if Bin Laden's replacement has run out of ideas for murderous plots for the better of society, I'm pretty sure I can tell him where Michael Owen is most Saturday's at about 12:45 if that helps

Thursday, 22 May 2014

Neil Lennon quits Celtic

Neil Lennon ended his four year stay at Celtic today to chase his dreams of becoming a professional crocodile hunter.


Despite having probably the easiest job in football, Lennon has done his absolute best at all times to make sure that everyone knows he is a penis.  Whether it be inciting anger amongst crowds or painting himself as the one true victim of life, everyone on the planet should be aware that Neil Lennon truly is the greatest manager ever of all time, according to Neil Lennon.  The BBC says:
"I have parted company with Celtic," the 42-year-old Northern Irishman said in a brief statement.
"The club are in a very strong position and I wish the fans and the club all the very best for the future."
Clearly the real reason he's left is to pursue his dream of being a Premier League manager and hang out with the other stars.  The problem with this is that Neil Lennon leaving Celtic, a place where he could comfortably stay as manager for life, to try and be a Premier League manager is like someone who does karaoke and once had someone tell them they were quite good leaving their office job to become a full time singer.  It's basically this storyline


But instead of a deluded fame hunter, it's a man that nobody likes.  Some people (celtic fans) tell me "Lennon's a great manager!  He got Celtic to the last sixteen of the Champions League!  They beat Barcelona!".  So what?  Aberdeen drew with Bayern Munich about 6 years ago, does that make Jimmy Calderwood one of the greatest tactical minds of our time?  European teams generally find it hard to play against Scottish minnows because that 'underdog' spirit, passion of the crowd, and the pure 'defend and battering ram' approach taken is pretty hard to deal with when you're used to playing football.

I actually found a copy of Lennon's tactics book a while ago, as most of you will remember


The worst thing about this announcement from Neil Lennon is that Celtic will actually be good now.  He won the league because Rangers went into administration and won two Scottish cups with by far and away the best team, with a wage bill larger than some countries.  In context, this is like Mike Tyson celebrating the incredible feat of beating me up.

One of this main reasons for leaving is that he's not happy with the transfer budget he has available to him next season.  Celtic's closest rivals in the league - Aberdeen and Motherwell - have a transfer budget of roughly zero.  The team that knocked them out of the League Cup last year - Morton - are basically a small village team.  Great tactics Neil, really well done.

And so the next chapter in Neil Lennon's managerial career begins as he spends the summer as a pundit for the BBC desperately trying to raise his profile enough to be given a job.  When he eventually gets one at a Championship club, this chapter will become equal parts comedy and tragedy, as after a successful start to his new career he is found out quicker than two men in a horse costume at a horse party, or me at a terrible analogies convention.  Or similes.  Think it's similes.

Anyway, good night sweet prince.  See you in about 5 months when you take over at Wigan after Uwe Rosler moves to one of the Premier League clubs who sack their manager.

Tuesday, 20 May 2014

Richard Scudamore keeps his job

Premier League chiefs gathered to decide the fate of Richard Scudamore yesterday and decided that he should keep his job even though he hates women.


This is great news because all he did was send horrendously sexist emails.  On any given day I probably send about 20 sexist emails, mostly about gash, or how many tits I saw on the weekend, or how women are only good at ironing and should be chained to the oven.  Am I right guys?  We all think it, right?!  That's what Martin Samuel from the Daily Mail told us anyway:
Gash. Not a word I’d use, personally, but Robbie Burns favoured it in 1793 and we still teach his stuff in schools. You may know a Burns song, Green Grow The Rashes, which is enjoyed as a paean to time spent in the company of women.
Yes, that is Martin Samuel, SPORTSWRITER OF THE YEAR, trying to compare the use of the word gash from a 200 year old Robbie Burns poem to an incredibly important chief executive acting out with the lads on an email chain.


The fun doesn't stop there though!
So while the lawyer friend who sent the crude reference — Scudamore didn’t use the word himself, or indeed repeat it in any correspondence — isn’t about to win awards for sophistication, he was engaging in bawdy talk that has been around for centuries. It doesn’t make it right, but it doesn’t make it the crime of the century, either. He was just being an ass. Sometimes men are.
Now forgive me for questioning this, but I think there's a difference between making jokes when the joke is you are sexist and making a joke which is just sexist.  He may not have said it himself but surely you shouldn't end up in a conversation at work where that sort of thing forms part of what is being discussed?

To break character for a second, the jokes on this site that are particularly harsh on women are only (subjectively) funny because no-one could possibly think those things in real life...... the punchline of the joke is the idiot making it.  At no point in private emails to work mates have I ever deemed it funny to suggest that a female member of the team needs shagged.  Certainly not when I've been sober anyway, which is about 60% of the time.  And we're back.

The modern Twitter witch hunt brigade is a dangerous beast, and the Daily Mail are about as bad a perpetrator of this as anyone.  The difference in this case is that Richard Scudamore is one of the most powerful men in world sport -  a high flying chief executive of one of the most successful brands on the planet.  It's unfair to impose different rules on different people, but with responsibility there comes a certain degree of foresight.

I'm not sure if he should be fired either, but in this current Game of Thrones celebrity-deity universe where someone has to fall on a sword when they betray any sort of human nature and make a mistake, he probably should.  And for the position of authority that he's in, the things he's said are largely indefensible and I suspect he'll regret making them eternally.  Or at least leaving them on a paper trail.

It shouldn't distract from the point though, as Mike Calvin illustrates 100 million times better than I could in this article:
The Head Boy of the billionaires’ ball club is trapped in a perfect storm of opprobrium. Accusations of sexism, at a time when women’s sport is gaining long-overdue recognition and the equality agenda is paramount, are calamitous. 
Why should we be so diverted by a 54-year-old businessman who behaves with the puerility of a 14-year-old schoolboy? Scudamore, developer of a global sporting phenomenon, will not appreciate the irony that he may become an unintended victim of the culture he helped to create.
Scudamore has been foolish rather than malicious. On balance he is a better man than the pompous oaf who quietly terrorised the FA many moons ago. But times have changed. Losing his job may be unfair but, as those who have suffered because of his autocratic nature will attest, life is not fair.
Live by the brand, die by the brand.
According to the BBC Scudamore may still have to face an independent enquiry over his actions.  In this crazy, crazy of world sexism where an appalling lack of respect for women still exists, something must be done.  How that enquiry turns out, nobody can say, but we can guess.  So if you think Richard Scudamore should stay, send a picture of your tits with the hashtag #yes to us.  No fatties.

PSG couldn't give less of a shit about FFP

Do you remember about a week ago or something when PSG and Man City were about to be fined loads of money for breaking that really important financial fair play thing?  Yeh well forget that


In this episode of our famed, yet immediately cancelled comedy show on Copa90, we did a sketch about Monopoly called Socceropoly, where one of the chance cards saw your club bought by an Arabian oil country.  Once this happens you can do whatever you want because.... money!  Nasser al-Kehlaifi, the guy who owns PSG, said (ESPN)
However, after several summers of huge spending at the Parc des Princes, Al-Khelaifi claims the penalties will do nothing to stop him signing the players he wants for the club. 
"The players that I want, I will have,'' he said in comments reported by L'Equipe. 
"This changes nothing of the project, the motivation of the club and the players. We respect and accept this decision. But nothing and no one will stop us, we always dream bigger.
"We had a plan over five years when we bought the club and that will not change. We have already invested a lot in the last three years and we will continue.'' 
Who could have known that punishing someone with unlimited money by asking them for some of it wouldn't work?  How could we have foreseen this?!  I went to France to try to get in touch with someone from PSG but upon arriving at the stadium their robot butler stalled me by feeding me golden caviar and forcing me to have sex with a succession of expensive Swedish prostitutes.  My only weakness!  Those bastards

Yaya Toure hates when you forget his birthday

According to Yaya Toure's agent, who's a real whizz when it comes to getting new contracts for his client, Yaya Toure is very upset with Manchester City.  One of the reasons is that they didn't say happy birthday to him.


According to the Guardian this is pretty much an annual thing now where this time every summer his agent comes out with some reason for Toure being deeply unhappy, with the only possible solution to this misery being to buy another yacht.  His agent said:
"Yaya is so upset he's thinking of leaving City. There are a number of things that have happened that have left Yaya feeling bitterly upset. He must concentrate on the World Cup now. But City have treated him with disrespect and have really hurt him."
"They don't know that money can't buy relationships – no Sheikh can buy a relationship. This isn't about money or a new contract – it's about human relationships and City have shown they don't respect him. I repeat, this is not about money. In fact, he would take less to return to Barcelona."
In reference to the birthday snub, Seluk said: "What happened at his birthday meant the club don't care about him. It was proof. They can say whatever they want, 'Oh we like him but we forgot'. 
I think we're all in agreement that this is a terrible tragedy and City should pay the ultimate price.  Forgetting a man's birthday is the worst kind of evil but when it's Yaya Toure you're basically opening the gates of hell.  Is that what you want?  Hmm?  To have the bad guys from Ghostbusters 2 out on the streets?  DON'T FORGET MY BIRTHDAY 

Monday, 19 May 2014

Louis Van Gaal is the Manchester United manager

In horrible, bone chilling news, Manchester United have just revealed that Louis Van Gaal is the new Manchester United manager.  WHO KNEW!??!!!?!?!


Manchester United successfully kept this brand new news secret until their announcement today and journalists everywhere are scratching their heads as to how they didn't know.  Even questions like 'when will Louis Van Gaal be given the job?' didn't work, and even the more investigative amongst them couldn't break down the secrecy walls.  Luckily I made a cartoon detailing how he was selected, which you can watch below.


In other news, Ryan Giggs is the assistant manager and two other Dutch guys I've never heard of are the assistant coaches.  A club statement said:
"In Louis van Gaal, we have secured the services of one of the outstanding managers in the game today. He has achieved many things in his career to date and Old Trafford provides him with a fitting stage on which to write new chapters in the Manchester United story"
My friend at work thinks Manchester United will win the league next year now, but I'm just looking forward to the Glazers slowly realising they've hired someone actually mental.  And I don't mean in an adorable old teacher kind of way, I mean as in he's not just being wacky when he makes all his players strip to their pants and paint their nightmares as an exercise - he's genuinely ill.  Then again, if modern medical practises for mental health had been around when I was 8, my Mum wouldn't have that framed picture of Ainsley Harriott covered in jam stealing my Megadrive on her wall.  

Cristiano Ronaldo is naked on the front cover of Vogue

At some point in the last few weeks Cristiano Ronaldo decided to pose naked on the front of Vogue with his girlfriend, Irina Shayk, in an issue of the magazine called 'the weirdest front cover ever of all time'


A couple of questions spring to mind: firstly, why?  And secondly, why god why WHY WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY?  How come she's not naked?  Why is he naked?  I don't get it.  Admittedly it's not as weird as this picture of Marlon Harewood


But then again I'm not sure anything is.  I've heard that if you look in a mirror and say 'Marlon Harewood' three times he appears behind you in this exact pose.  And before I told my Mum about it, the same was true of my Uncle

Sunday, 18 May 2014

Aaron Ramsey is the best man ever

Arsenal finally ended their nine year wait for a trophy yesterday by winning the FA cup!  Hooray!


Everyone loves Aaron Ramsey, there's not a person alive who doesn't.  I guess except for Hull fans, seeing as he scored the winner in extra-time to make the game 3-2


Hull started the game by scoring two goals in ten minutes, leaving Arsene Wenger reading the instructions to his jet pack just incase.  Fortunately, bad ass Santi Cazorla doesn't play by anyone's rules - even his own - and pinged a free kick in from 30 yards.  And by the way, it was fucking brilliant.

By this point I thought I might have cursed Arsenal by putting a fiver on them to win when the 2nd Hull goal went in, seeing as I truly am the worst betting person ever, of all time.  I might as well just send a fiver to bet 365 every week.  It's a bit like Netflix.  I'd be as well just paying Blockbuster a tenner a month to not rent me any movies.

Anyway, you'll have either watched the game or read about it on a real website by now, and I'll be honest, I'm trying to remember what happened but I was pretty shit faced, so there's no real point in me describing what happened.  I'm barely switched on now even and I've been awake for about 2 hours.  Anyway.

Wenger got covered in champagne and took off his shirt but everyone's like 'aw that's so cute Wenger got soaked', missing the Daily Mail potential headline of 'old French man gets naked with young men under his care'.  It's a good job some of us are switched on.  Speaking of the Daily Mail, they deserve an award for doing this the other day:


That is thumbnail selecting of champions.

So to summarise, I think I might be in love with Aaron Ramsey


Football wins, Atletico win the league

Super sexy sex man Diego Simeone was celebrating along with the non-glory hunting side of Madrid last night, as his team held on to win La Liga for the first time in 18 years.


Atletico only had to draw with Barcelona to secure the league title so started well by going a goal down, thanks to Alexis Sanchez, who I still can't tell is good or not.  Then some other stuff happened and eventually Diego Godin, who I have about 8 swapsies of, and also who looks like Michael Bolton in the Captain Jack Sparrow video, scored a header.  I think it was a header.


I've realised upon inspection that I actually mean Diego Forlan looks like Jack Sparrow


I think it might just be that the Uruguay shirt is quite piratey.  Is that a word?  It is now.


Even better, Messi had a goal incorrectly ruled out for offside, as you can see in the video above.  I don't think they can really complain though seeing as if you stand 3 yards offside in the box it's pretty much your own fault.


Barca also did their best to put Atletico off by only allowing about 500 people into a stadium that fits 90,000.  I know I'm really sticking my neck out here, but that feels slightly unfair.

It's great that Atletico won the league and if the title chase can continue in this three way next season there might be hope for La Liga yet.  At the moment it's basically an expensive, sunnier SPL except instead of me hating the top two teams, I basically want to have sex with most of them.  Then again, I just saw some footage of Cilla Black when she was about 20 and I want to have sex with her now as well.  So deal with that.

Stevie May is a dick

St Johnstone won the Scottish cup this weekend, beating Dundee United 2-0 at Celtic Park.  It would have been three but Stevie May had a goal ruled out.  For punching the ball in.  YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO USE YOUR HANDS YOU TIT



I was already well on my way to drunkland by the time Stevie May threw the ball into the goal in an attempt to score St Johnstone's second, so I didn't even realise the goal was ruled out until... now.  And why I'm awake at 7.53am on a Sunday is anyone's guess, though judging by the clothes I was wearing when I woke up some time ago, I may have passed out earlier than usual and this is why.

Either way, Stevie May is a penis.

Oh and congratulations to St Johnstone.  It's not only their first trophy ever - 130 years without one - but I think it was also like their very first major final too.  I suspect their fans may have enjoyed it slightly.  Also the game wasn't completely shit like the Aberdeen League Cup final.  Did I tell you about that one yet?  I'm sure I must have.  We won by the way

Wednesday, 14 May 2014

Ji Sung Park is retired

Park Ji-Sung or Ji-Sung Park  (I'm not very familiar with the South Korean language) has decided to retire at the age of 33.  To celebrate, let us watch 'The Adventures of Ji-Sung Park' - a tale that will echo throughout the ages.  Specifically in South Korea where it got about 25000 views


The ex Man United midfielder has said that knee problems have forced him to retire but that he leaves with no regrets, presumably other than that a knee problem forced him to retire.  Bloody knees


Richard Scudamore is allegedly very sexist

Andy Gray and Richard Keys were fired by Sky the other year for being incredibly sexist so it's interesting to hear that Premier League chief Richard Scudamore is also allegedly something of a sleaze bag but is not going to fire himself.  Or have it mentioned anywhere.


The Guardian (who got the story from the Sunday Mirror) wrote:
In exchanges with a lawyer friend who referred to females as "gash", Scudamore jokily warned him to keep a female colleague they nicknamed Edna "off your shaft" and told sexist jokes that mocked "female irrationality". The emails were seen by a former temporary PA who leaked them to the Sunday Mirror.
Ha ha lads banter oi oi!  What a lad!  Women have tits yeh?!  SANDWICHES  At least he's resigned over it - ohhhhhhhhhhh nope he hasn't, and clearly there's some sort of incredible press lockdown on this story because I don't see it on the front page of every tabloid like you'd expect.  The power of modern press is rather scary though tbf.  If they aren't telling everyone who to vote for they're letting us know who our paedophiles are.  In a way, they are the true super heroes of the modern age

Pepe Mel is gone

I don't think I know anymore about Pepe Mel than I did a few months ago but either way he's gone.  FOREVER!  Or is he?  (yes)


The Daily Mail wrote this:
Gareth McAuley revealed the remarkable discontent that existed among the players during his short tenure.
The experienced defender lambasted Mel for allowing ‘computer analyst’ Dave McDonough, then head of technical performance, to take training sessions and complained that the language barrier with the Spaniard made communication difficult.
An inanimate carbon rod is among the front runners to replace Mel, with some other regular managerial carousel members linked too.  Mackay, Di Matteo and some other people are all in with a shout but it really doesn't matter because life in West Brom is already terrible and no amount of footballing success is going to change that.  They are to the Premier League what sage is to my herb and spices collection - it always seems to be there but I don't why

Leicester owner wants to buy success

Leicester City were promoted to the Premier League recently but the fun doesn't stop there for the fans!  Now the owner wants to spend £180million to get them in the top five.


According to the BBC:
"It will take a huge amount of money, possibly 10bn Thai Baht (£180m), to get there. That doesn't put us off."
Srivaddhanaprabha added: "I am asking for three years, and we'll be there.
"We won't take the huge leap to challenge the league's top five clubs immediately.
"Do we have a chance to beat them? Yes, we have, but I think we need to establish our foothold in the league first and then we think about our next step.
I think it's a greeeeeeeat idea because most other clubs haven't had the same thought yet! And when I say that, I mean except for all of them, because that is the only plan that all of them have.  The plan for all of the clubs is the exact same: buy expensive players, pay them, be jerks.  The Premier League is basically a nightclub where all the guys have that same shoreditch haircut but different colours of incredibly overpriced tshirt.  Meanwhile I sit in the corner on my own reading my book, because goddammit there must be one hot girl on a night out that finds that sexy

Mike Ashley decides he likes Pardew again

According to The Telegraph, Mike Ashley has decided that Alan Pardew is still the man for Newcastle United and is going to give him £60million to spend on players this summer, meaning he has a budget to buy zero players that want to go there.


It might sound like bollocks but The Telegraph says:
Pardew appears to have survived another end-of-season review at St James’ Park as Mike Ashley, the club’s owner, recognised that some of the problems that led to a dreadful second half of the season were created by Joe Kinnear, the former director of football.
Kinnear failed to make a single permanent signing in two transfer windows before resigning in February. That left Pardew with a squad that lacked the depth and competition for places needed to sustain a top-seven challenge.
The thing with Joe Kinnear is that it seems quite likely he was brought in purely to fuck everyone up and make them forget that Newcastle weren't signing anyone.  He gets paid some money to be the fall guy, Ashley saves £70k a week for half a year on Cabaye's wage, they're good enough to finish above 15th every year, Ashley has no interest in spending the money required to take them above that and so why would you care?

Modern football clubs are basically just businesses with ever lasting customer bases now. You wouldn't find 1000s of 30year olds wandering around singing songs about an insurance company. In fact, when I tried to do this the last time and got passionate about  my favourite business I was told to put my pants back on because 'Tesco doesn't condone that behaviour'. Well sir, you have lost my support.

Vidic: players totally loved Moyes

Nemanja Vidic is in the press because he is moving to Inter Milan but also because he says Man United players played their very hardest they could under David Moyes.  wat


Even though he looks like a sniper or dangerous spy who would happily bang you and then leave, Vidic said:
"There is no question over any of the players. They did everything that was asked of them," said Vidic.
"Sometimes you do things well, sometimes you don't. But the desire was there. They tried really hard. 
"From the first day until the last you didn't hear any player say anything bad about the training. That shows the players have respect for the manager." 
Immediately after he finished that sentence the building he was in exploded as the polygraph machine he'd been hooked up to ran into a propane gas canister while trying to escape

Tuesday, 13 May 2014

The England squad for the World Cup is totally hip

Roy Hodgson is doing his best to get people in England excited by taking a bunch of kids and Rickie Lambert with him to Brazil, leaving out Ashley Cole and Michael Carrick in the process.  Sad potatoes indeed.


The worst England squad predictors were the Panini sticker book guys, who thought Andros Townsend would make it even.  



What a difference a few months makes!  It feels like only yesterday that Townsend was hailed as England's hope - their saviour!  A knight in shining armour, in a Spurs shirt.  Now he's basically about as memorable as David Nugent or minidiscs

Tim Sherwood is fired

Despite relentlessly slagging him off for the past few months I was actually starting to really like Tim Sherwood so I'm annoyed he's been fired today.


Tottenham Hotspur's official website thing said:
“We appointed Tim mid-season as someone who knew both the players and the Club.
“We agreed an 18-month contract with a break clause at the end of the season and we have now exercised that option.
“Since appointing Tim as Assistant First Team Coach in 2008 and then as Technical Co-ordinator in 2010 and Head of Football Development in 2012, we have been supportive of him during football management changes throughout that period. On behalf of the Club, I should like to state our thanks for all his efforts during his years with us. We wish him great success in his managerial career.
“Moving forward, now the season is over, we shall embark on the process of finding a new Head Coach. We have a talented squad and exciting young players coming through. We need to build on this season, develop our potential and inspire the kind of performances that we associate with our great Club."
Yeh whatever.  My only hope now is that Spurs hire Van Gaal and leave Man United looking silly since they've planned their entire future around him.  In a way it's like when I planned to move in with my girlfriend and get married and be happy forever but then she left me and stopped returning my phone calls.  I can stay up as late as I want during the week now though so I think I know who's had the last laugh 

Monday, 12 May 2014

A 2013/14 Premier League Review video featuring Vincent Kompany becoming a horse

Don't ask because honestly I don't know what the fuck I was thinking when I wrote this


Sunday, 11 May 2014

IT'S THE LAST DAY OF THE SEASON

SOCCERRRRRRRR!!!!! FOOTBALLLLLL















SOCCCCERRRRRRRRRRR





follow us on twitter all day @fitbathatba cos that's where we'll be


Thursday, 8 May 2014

Greg Dyke wants B Teams

Greg Dyke hosted a press conference today where he spoke about a plan he made up with his FA commission pals to stop England being shit at football.


I'll be honest, this story is really boring but basically the gist of it is (Mirror):
Among the proposals, as expected, was the controversial introduction of Premier League B-teams in a new 20-team League Three completed by 10 Conference sides. 
That idea has already been criticised but Dyke and his team – who point to the success of Germany and Spain as example for English football to follow – envisage the new league beginning in 2016-17. 
Dyke and his Commission believe the new league would help bridge the gap between youth football – especially players between 18 and 21 – and first team level. 
The B-teams would not be allowed to gain promotion beyond League One and not enter the FA Cup or League Cup.
It's a bit more thought out and complicated than my plan to improve the England football team, which was to tell them to fuck off.  Took me hours as well.

Teacher in trouble for stealing Panini World Cup stickers from children

As we all know Colombia is famous for three things: cocaine and Faustino Asprilla.  And cocaine.  Now it is also famous for being the home of a teacher who STEALS WORLD CUP STICKERS!  KABLAHAHAAH


According to The Guardian:
World Cup fever seems to have got the better of a school teacher in Colombia accused of pilfering stickers from pupils to complete his Panini album of the tournament's leading players, local media reported.
El Espectador said a 13-year-old pupil in the central city of Bucaramanga reported the teacher after seeing him in the staff-room pasting in stickers confiscated from students who had been trading them in class.
"It's no way to give an example to young ones, taking their stickers away for your own benefit," the mother of one of the students told local RCN radio.
Coincidentally, Colombia is one of the countries that I've actually finished in my book and I only have about 23 stickers to get to complete it.  So far I've managed to avoid abusing children in my search for the elusive players I require but I swear to christ if I get Hector Moreno anymore times I'm going to stab someone


Those are my doubles.  About 80% of them are Hector Moreno.  WHO IS HECTOR MORENO?!!! ARHARHRAGRGHHGHGHGHGH

Wednesday, 7 May 2014

Lukas Podolski playing head tennis with a seal

Lukas Podolski played head tennis with a seal at some point recently.


I don't understand how you train an animal to do something as cool as this but if I could learn that would be useful.  There isn't a woman alive who wouldn't be impressed enough by my head tennis playing seal to have sex with me, unless of course I trained the actual Seal to do it, in which case I suspect they'd prefer to have sex with him.  This plan is really complicated

French Ligue 2 side hire woman as manager

A French second division side called Clermont Foot have appointed a girl as their manager, making Helena Costa the first of her species to the boss of a top two division club in Europe.


That's not actually her it's just someone really hot on Instagram but if you do want to see the real Helena Costa you can go to the Daily Mail article on it, where I have borrowed this copy:
The 39-year-old will become the first female to manage in the top two divisions of a major European league.
Costa is currently in charge of the Iran women’s team and has previously coached the women’s sides of Qatar and Benfica. She has also scouted for Scottish champions Celtic.
One of the French club's strikers said this:
'We were told the new coach was this lady. It is a surprise, a big surprise, because a lot of names were circulated; all coaches who were more or less unemployed. 
'It came out of nowhere and now we have to get to know. It is good, it will create a buzz and will be a unique experience.'
Personally I think this is great and will encourage future clubs to embrace the managerial talents of women around the world.  While evolutionary and biological factors may mean that women (for now) can't compete side by side with men on the pitch, off it there are zero physical attributes required that could prevent them from taking charge of a football club.  I'd make a sexist joke like pointing out how much harder I try at anything if I think I'll see boobs at the end of it, but that would be immature and I would never say that.  You should be ashamed of yourself