Monday, 21 April 2014

David Moyes is sacked... soon apparently

The internet was in its dial up infancy when Alex Ferguson began his incredible tenure at Manchester United and as we learned to navigate the world wide web, the men at Old Trafford started work on an empire that would change the football universe.  And then they hired David Moyes lol.  Now they're sacking him, apparently

Picture by Paddy Power, who very kindly dressed someone up as the Grim Reaper at the Everton game
Poor old Moyes.  To continue the technology analogy, he inherited what is essentially a laptop your parents have been using for years to successfully carry out their jobs: full of popup ads, slow and unresponsive and internet explorer is still on the desktop.  Which is weird because you can't even get that on a Mac.

Moyes has no idea how to fix this computer because its previous owner knew all the little tricks to get it to work properly.  Oh you want to Google something?  Simply hold this button over here, bang on this bit and wait a couple of minutes - ta daaaa!  That's what Tom Cleverley is for!  Moyes, who traded in his adware free computer which he so loved for a chance on this brand new Macbook Pro, supposedly more powerful than ALL the other computers, has found himself using it like the old BBC computers where you can play that game where you have to get a badger across the road, or ask a young girl set in the magical world of Western Europe during World War Two if she would kindly show you her tits.  She always says she doesn't understand but I know that she does.


He wants to search for answers but the search bar is set to Ask Jeeves and if he goes anywhere near RedTube the thing bursts into flames and begs for mercy at the very thought of being asked to display video.  Even worse, he has hundreds of thousands of people with no more of a clue than he yelling at him to sort it out quickly.  He'd ask for help but the guy who used to do that for Fergie has also fucked off.

Now according to the Daily Mail, The Glazers (c) have had enough and want a new guy to come in:
David Moyes will be sacked by Manchester United in the coming weeks and could even go before the end of the season. 
United’s owners the Glazer family have finally lost patience with Moyes after a dismal season that has seen the reigning Barclays Premier League champions slump to seventh in the table. 
The final straw was Sunday's 2-0 defeat at Everton, their 11th in the Barclays Premier League this season, and a result that left the title holders down 13 points off the Champions League places.
At first I found this Man United losing thing absolutely hilarious.  I love watching all the glory hunters suffer - become human - but slowly, somehow, I've actually started feeling really, really bad for David Moyes.  It's not funny anymore - it's almost.... a shame.  Like when you drive past a car crash and go 'wowwww how cool a car crash' before you realise 'ahhh a car crash' and that someone's probably died or even worse, lost their no claims bonus.

I don't know if he's out of his depth - I can't tell - and I don't know if he's unlucky, or his tactics don't work, or the psychological fear factor at Old Trafford sailed on the same boat SAF left on but at least he's trying.  He's not Dennis Nedry, sitting there fucking everything up for everyone just so he can sell some dinosaur juice - he's Samuel Jackson, sitting at his desk trying to figure out what Fergie's fucking password is.  Alligators?  Cantona?  Password?


Not only have the press, probably rightly, been on his back about getting his players - who won the league by about 8 points last year - to just hoof balls into the box, but the fans have started ganging up, falsifying this horrible nouveau union and telling stories about how when they were working together down the mines they were all together, to prove that they're all true fans and blah blah blah.  "The Fans". This guy:


Look at his horrible face.  Moyes probably can't sleep at the moment due to stress and it's because of people like this.  He's gelled that bit of hair on his head that he doesn't need, as if that will make him more sexually appealing to whoever he can lure from throwing up behind a dustbin in a back alley of Wetherspoons to have sex in his van.  That's who Moyes is up against.  Moaning about how he used to watch United when they were shite when they finished "fifff or sixff"?!  Oh I feel so bad for you only finishing fifth or sixth in one of the greatest leagues in the world, that must have been awful for you.  Watching all those world class players really is a horrible thing to have to do, please accept my heart felt condolences.

People are idiots.  I was on the tube the other day and these three boys get on, one's playing on his phone and goes "oh I think I'll have to get a bolt on for internet when we get there, I don't want to get any roaming charges" and his friend says "ohh yeh that's a good idea roaming charges are so expensive, we can just buy a bolt on" and the third one says:
"did you hear about the astronaut
I swear this is true by the way
"did you hear about the astronaut who left his phone on when he went to space and got a million pound phone bill?"
And they all went 'no way!'.  Yeh because there are loads of O2 masts on the fucking moon aren't there? You stupid cunt.
*Ping* Welcome to EE Outer Space.  Calls will be charged at 40 space dollars per minute
It's people, man.  They're the problem.  The fans, who worshipped Moyes as The Chosen One because Alex Ferguson told them to, have turned and demanded his head, and it looks like they've got it.  What now?  Put it on a spike at Old Trafford to warn others?  "Respect us!  We are the King!" say the customers sorry I mean supporters, "He hasn't got a clue!"

Watching the public beheading of David Moyes is on my list of things to avoid alongside those videos on the internet you wish you'd never seen, back when terrorists, animal porn and Richard Keys didn't seem like real things.  Unfortunately they are very real, and old Davey boy is sat in the gallows.

I can only pray that they hire Tim Sherwood instead.