Sunday, 13 April 2014

*BONG* footballer sticks Twix up own arse *BONG*

If you were ever concerned about the future of print media, aside from it being doomed and almost redundant already, FEAR NO MORE

OK so I have a few questions here.  First of all: why?  Why.  Why why why why

Second, how the fuck do you possibly get this information?  I refuse to believe actual investigative journalists work at the Sunday Sport and further more, where would they even look for this?!  "hmmm today I'm going to check court records to see if any footballers have stuck a Twix up their arse OH MY GOD DAVE LOOK WHAT I'VE FOUND"

The article in question says:
A Premier League footballer last night sensationally won an 11th-hour injunction preventing Sunday Sport from revealing he likes frozen TWIX bars inserted into his anus.
Well who doesn't?  I guess the frozen bit is a stylistic choice and ensures safe passage of the Twix to inside of the anus but again I come back to my original questions of why.  why why why why why why

He insists on the Twix being FROZEN for at least THREE HOURS before being inserted into his browneye.  He's usually satisfied with one finger of the twin biscuit, caramel and chocolate treat, though he does occasionally stretch to both sections of the snack
Those were in bullet points by the way.  This is what injunctions are for - stopping the press from reporting things about their private lives that nobody cares about.  It's not like the Ryan Giggs super-injunction (which didn't work at all) because I'm pretty sure no-one is going to go around message boards trying to find out who once put a Twix up their arse, in the same way they're not going to go around message boards trying to find out who's lying about having not tried to suck their own knob at some point because EVERYONE HAS.  I mean uhhhh put a Twix up his arse.