Friday, 3 January 2014

Six Players Arsenal Should Sign if they want to win the league

Arsenal are the sexiest team in the league this year and now that we have reached a new year (2014) it is possible that they could actually win something.  According to all of the men on the TV they will only do this if they sign a striker because spending money = success and so here is a list of who they should buy:

1. Diego Costa

Because I am really cool, I know a lot about Spanish football and there's this one new Spanish kid called "Diego Costa" who you may not have heard about.  Do not confuse him with the Brazilian 'Diego Costa' because they are different people.  One has the heart of a lion, the courage of a bear and the footballing brain of an eagle, and the other is a traitorous bellend

2. Lionel Messi

Due to my afore mentioned encyclopaedic knowledge of Spanish football I was able to identify one of Barcelona's reserve players as a perfect signing for Arsenal.  Messi doesn't even make the Barcelona team at the moment but I've been on YouTube enough to know that the boy has potential, just like I always knew next door's daughter would turn out to be hot when she was 16 I mean turn into a fine young lady

3. Nicklas Bendtner

Arsenal should look no further than a giant Danish striker called Nicklas Bendtner.  He's actually already scored at the Emirates before so he would probably know his way around the stadium if Wenger could pull off the signing, but due to his high demand among all the biggest clubs in Europe - especially Barcelona and Real Madrid - I doubt Arsenal will be able to afford the £80million+ it would require to get his signature.  You may be sceptical about what I've just written but I got all the information from Nicklas  At any rate it's probably a more reliable source than most of the things I referenced when I was at Uni

4. The Confused dot com robot

If Arsene Wenger were able to sign the Confused dot com robot I would be absolutely delighted since then I would know exactly where it is and could therefore kick it to death

5. Nicklas Bendtner's best friend: Nicklas Bendtner

Nicklas Bendtner may have injured his ankle but luckily he knows someone equally as brilliant as he.  Himself.  If this does not prove to be a viable option then my next suggestion is to sign Thierry Henry again and put him in water tank thing from Empire Strikes Back so he can be really good again

6. Andri Sigporsson

Back before the internet was really around the name on every scout's lips was Andri Sigporsson, however the fuck you wanted to pronounce it.  The star of Championship Manager 97/98, Sigporsson would guarantee Arsenal about 70 goals in the second half of the season, which would probably help their campaign.  That depends on whether he can adapt to Arsenal's playing style first of course, and Wenger would have to find him.  Though some digging suggests that in real life he actually works in a bakery in Iceland, scientists maintain that his whereabouts have been lost in history.  Through advanced mapping techniques and based on what his brother looks like, luckily I have been able to create an artist's impression of what the scandinavian forward looks like in the year 2014

artist's impression of Andri Sigporsson today

Eye opening.

So anyway, good luck Arsene.  Perhaps if you draw upon that time you met President Obama you will have the power.  I BELIEVE IN YOU