Thursday, 23 January 2014

Reasons why FIFA 14 is diabolically shit

I've been playing football video games for a long time.  As a 28 year old person I have in fact pretty much played most football games from when they started.  And whether they have made me smash a controller in anger or dance around the room in celebration, I have always enjoyed them.  FIFA 14 is the first time that I cannot be arsed even playing it at all.  This is the worst article I have ever written

Let me now tell you the reasons that I think FIFA 14 is diabolically shit.

1. The gameplay is terrible

According to those 'Feed the world' ads starring Bono, by the time it takes me to turn on my PS3, select FIFA and then get to a screen where I can make it play a game, about 8000 African people have died.  Back in the day I could have already turned off Italia 90 in frustration at losing 8-0 to Brazil in this time

Stage 2 in my after work-relaxation-recreative-football game-playing time is spent having to meticulously manage every single bit of my team like it was another fucking job.  There are in game tactics and everything, which I'm fairly sure don't actually do anything

Stage 3 involves actual game play, which I love.  It's great.

I especially love how opponents can chip through balls from anywhere on the pitch and my centre backs, no matter who they are, will have brain meltdowns and run in opposite directions or just deselect at the important moments.  That's absolutely great.

Corners are superb too.  The best bit about them is how you can tell when your opponent will score based on how the computer won't let you select the particular defender you'd like to try and header the ball away.  If Ibrahimovic is standing on the penalty spot, well son, I think I'd like to have someone marking him.  And this is why my PS3 decides to select everyone except the defender most likely to defend it.

even SWOS let you defend it if you weren't a complete retard

A game that makes you practise training
Even better is how my player, whether it be Iniesta or Mark Reynolds, will manage to pass the ball directly to an opponent at exactly the wrong time or even when I haven't pushed a button.  It's intelligent thinking, that.

My other favourite feature of FIFA 14 is how the quickest players in the world feel like you're driving a fucking tug boat on land.  You could put Usain Bolt, EPOd off his tits, against Per Mertesacker having a stroke, and the defender would catch him every time unless he has like a 30 yard start.

2. Career Mode takes forever and ever and ever and how can anyone be arsed

Championship Manager 97/98 was the best manager game of all time and I bet it fits on a floppy disc still.  FIFA 14's career mode is huge and lets you take charge of a team and enjoy the real life struggles of a manager.  Struggles like 'waiting for the computer to load' and 'having to play pre-season friendlies that no-one wants'.  I can only assume this is aimed solely at kids who have nothing else to do in their lives except hang around outside McDonalds, but who has the time?  Jesus H Christ.  It brings me on to my next point

3. you can't play a one off cup WITHOUT PAYING FOR THE PRIVILEGE


  I've paid £50 for a game which is basically just a ruined version of the last one but in order to then actually play it I have to buy features?  Features like 'play a game'.  That sounds great.  Sign me up EA Sports.  While you're at it, you might as well just write down my credit card details or just mug me at an ATM because at some point in the next year, before I inevitably buy your follow up piece of shit game, I'd quite like to be able to play it.


Even FIFA 13's Ultimate Team was fun because it made some vague amount of sense.  Now there are all these weird cards I'm supposed to understand and I'm just lost.  I got Ronaldo once back when I would actually play this bullshit game.  It was a good day.

Collecting football stickers is ranked by the Scottish Health Association as only slightly more addictive than heroin, so it's good that as a grown adult with a debit card, if I want to have a chance of winning any games on this Ultimate Team thing, I need to either spend lots of real money buying packs of stickers with Chico Flores inside, or give up.  That's just great.

what the fuck are all these lines for? just let me choose whoever. THOUGHT POLICE
Clearly I'm just going to keep buying them because I'm an idiot, but I only get the special packs once every 4 months or something, just because I'd really like to get Messi or Ronaldo.  Upon opening the pack and being presented the opportunity to know several foreign players I've never heard of, I realise that actually I could just go and play a normal friendly and have Messi on my team that way and have money to buy beer.  or a gun to shoot myself with.

5. online servers

Once you get into a game, the stuttering caused by either my internet, or someone else's internet, or EA's servers - whatever -  is too frustrating to even think about.  I've just started turning the thing off now because if I didn't I honestly think I might kill someone.  I play a pass that goes straight to an opponent, and then they get a corner and I can't select my player to head it and then they score, all the while I'm watching something that looks like it was edited in the 1920s.

Even worse, related to online stuff, is all the teenagers with emo avatars on YouTube who post videos of themselves playing it while they scream at you.  You know the ones.

I think I might be getting old

6. it's not fun anymore :-(

I used to love football games, and FIFA in particular, but this new game sucks.  It's boring, annoying, I'm terrible at it and I just want to ping a shot from 40 yards with Adriano while my flat mates drink beer and swear they'll beat me next time.  Then they do but I don't care because the game was still fun and didn't cheat me.  At least when Pro Evo did you in with what is called 'scripting' (or as I used to refer to it - Pro Evo luck) the game was still fun and the winning goal wouldn't be completely shit.

Anyway I've gone ahead and bought ISS 98 on the N64 to see if that will make me happier.  I will report back because I'm sure you care.  Or maybe I won't.  All I know for sure is lol @ manchester united, because you lost to Sunderland tonight you useless bellends.