Thursday, 30 January 2014

Cornelius is going back to where he came from

Cornelius from Planet of the Apes, or Denmark as it seems to be known nowadays, has proven Malky Mackay was actually really shitty at transfers and is being sold for less than half of what he was bought for, back to his old club.  Well played.

I've honestly never heard of this guy but he cost Cardiff £7.something million in the Summer and was one of the reasons Vincent Tan had Malky Mackay murdered, or deported, or whatever it is he did with him.  Where is that guy now?

Anyway, Andreas Cornelius, which I definitely didn't have to just copy and paste to get his name right, is going back to space where he first came from over 300 years ago.  Unsuccessful in his mission to enslave the human race or even be good at football, he returns defeated and worth only £3million like some kind of peasant.

I have absolutely no idea how to change the line spacing on this thing, incase you were wondering

Arsenal in talks with Julian Draxler

Arsenal are still trying to sign that guy you know from Football Manager, Julian Draxler, even though his name sounds like a 2014 CGI vampire movie.

This story's been going for a while now because apparently Wenger wants to turn him into a striker like he did with Robin Van Persie, except this time less rapey.

It is hoped that Draxler can be signed for about £30million since that sounds like a good amount for a player these days.  If he was £10m/15m then there's no point, and in fact paying £30m instantly makes him a better player because that's how money works.  It's also essential that Arsenal sign as many players as possible because according to top football pundits on TV like Robbie Savage and 'that journalist you haven't heard of' they just won't survive without more.  They might all die.

The Guardian say that Arsenal are currently in talks with Dick Law, Schalke's transfer negotiator.

I say that your Mum is in talks with Dick Law.




Monday, 27 January 2014

Adnan Januzaj is bad at girls

Adnan Januzaj took a girl to Nando's last Autumn and she was so impressed that she told a newspaper about it.

According to Melissa McKenzie, who is the hot 25 year old featured in The Sun's investigative piece above, Adnan turned up in a tracksuit and took her to Nando's in an attempt to bang her.  The couple met on a 'social networking site', which I assume is Tinder, and then the girl arranged to meet up for a date.

The first thing I'd like to point out here, is at the time he would have been about 17.  As a guy, going out with a 17 year old at the age of 24 would be questionable, but for a girl to do it.... there are sinister things afoot.  How convenient that he happens to be a Manchester United player - especially if you're travelling from Liverpool to get some.  I've been to Liverpool, the girls aren't very good.  If you think that's sexist I don't care because you're wrong.  And probably a woman.  Here's our interview with Adnan Januzaj

Anyway, he spent £18 of his footballer wages on their delicious chicken meal and then things got saucy (PUN) as he took her to a hotel somewhere.  I have a boner just reading about it, but then it turns out that his Mum picked him up.

Then my favourite bit of the story:
The Belgian star sent the child-care student a text saying he loved her an hour after she took him home to Sale, Gtr Manchester, where he lives with his parents.
Smooth.  He just looks like such a lost little boy, which can kind of be expected when a gold digging probably 30 year old meets up with young football boys in an attempt to get pregnant.  She did give up, tbf, after he kept 'standing her up'.  I think that means he pied her off but I'm not 18 anymore so I don't know how kids do that these days.  He just wanted some.  Sadly, I fear a more prolific shagger like Justin Bieber would have sealed the deal in style and for this Adnan will be stripped of his 'top shagger' nomination for this year.

This reminds me of my early attempts to lure I mean invite women back to my house, which shockingly were largely successful, if you deem crying into a kebab while dressed as a robot successful.  And I do.  High five

Wayne Rooney is important

Wayne Rooney is apparently ready to consider a contract offer of £300,000 a week from Manchester United after they told him he would be kept up to date with transfer secrets.

Rooney was presented with this gift by manager David Moyes as he sat in his tree house reading Secret Seven books, pretending that the first 4/5ths of any Enid Blyton book isn't totally boring.

Friday, 24 January 2014

EXCLUSIVE: Sam Allardyce's bath under construction at Olympic Park site


Hulk is at Luton Airport, going to... Chelsea

The credible Hulk, as he is known to his friends, has posted an image of him on an aeroplane with a fellow Zenit player and I have decided this means he is moving to Chelsea.  That's how transfer rumours work, sorry to ruin the magic

Offthepost spotted this so blame them but they've also deduced that the fact he was seen at Luton airport almost certainly means that he's getting a connected flight back to communist land, or as it's more commonly known Russia land.  He was just on a wee trip to Portugal because he's from there.  But he's Brazilian.  I'm so confused right now.  Has he signed for Chelsea yet?  I'm sure I read that somewhere

J-Lo and a midget skin head have made the world cup song

Jennifer Lopez, her gigantic ass and a well dressed American version of a football hooligan have 'penned' a world cup song.  I've not even heard it yet and already my brain is trying to escape

This lovely photo clearly shows Hughie from Fun Lovin Criminals and a girl holding the new World Cup ball, which I have and it's quite nice.  I've also got some sample lyrics from the song, entitled "we are one"
put your hands in my pants.  don't worry baby i'm getting that checked out tomorrow
I'm not sure if that's made it in the final cut but if it hasn't, then it just proves that sending suggestion letters to FIFA is a real waste of my time

Ronaldinho is a playa

Ronaldinho caused controversy last week (which shows just how on the ball I am) when he posted a picture of some bitches.  Sorry I mean ladies.  All the sexism got to me

The Brazilian superstar has been criticised by some people, I assume are either fat or in need of getting pumped, for being disrespectful or distasteful after he posted this picture.  That's it.  Scandalous.  His brother said:
The photo’s of himself. What’s the problem?
Do I approve? I approve. What’s is the problem? He was on vacation, he is single, he is happy, he is at peace with life.
He was basking in the pool with women. Would it be any different is they were gay or transvestites?
You have politicians [in Brazil] who are stealing [from the public], but you are concerned with a photo of Ronaldinho?! It’s ridiculous. Brazil is full of problems and we are concerned about Ronaldinho’s holiday.
I don't get what the big deal is either.  If I could convince that many girls to hang out in my own swimming pool not only would my friends all I think I was super cool, but I'd also probably get to keep my job as a lifeguard

Thursday, 23 January 2014

Dani Osvaldo has a sword or something

Dani Osvaldo has been suspended by Southampton for a 'training ground punch up' according to all the usual sources.

Look at that hispter bastard.  My god I want to have sex with him I mean reports from Southampton have seemed to indicate that the Italian did something bad which may or may not have involved a sword.  I don't know if he brought the sword to work, whether he found it lying around the training room or whether he had a sword at all... all I really want to know is why he had a sword.

"OK next it's free kick practise"
"Oh good I'll go and get my sword"

Seems odd.  I expect the papers will start going on a 'IT'S THE END FOR SOUTHAMPTON, THEIR PLAYERS ARE GOING MENTAL' because that makes people read them.  Try my betting sites if you'd like to find out the odds on whose head Dani Osvaldo plans on chopping off next.  He looks like a pirate that grew up being told David Beckham is his dad.

NOT NEWS UPDATE: Stan Collymore deletes his twitter

Honestly, kill me now.


While I agree with his anti-racism chat, he is a prize bellend who beat up Ulrika Johnson.  If Twitter could somehow delete Stan Collymore instead I'd be a lot happier right now

Reasons why FIFA 14 is diabolically shit

I've been playing football video games for a long time.  As a 28 year old person I have in fact pretty much played most football games from when they started.  And whether they have made me smash a controller in anger or dance around the room in celebration, I have always enjoyed them.  FIFA 14 is the first time that I cannot be arsed even playing it at all.  This is the worst article I have ever written

Let me now tell you the reasons that I think FIFA 14 is diabolically shit.

1. The gameplay is terrible

According to those 'Feed the world' ads starring Bono, by the time it takes me to turn on my PS3, select FIFA and then get to a screen where I can make it play a game, about 8000 African people have died.  Back in the day I could have already turned off Italia 90 in frustration at losing 8-0 to Brazil in this time

Stage 2 in my after work-relaxation-recreative-football game-playing time is spent having to meticulously manage every single bit of my team like it was another fucking job.  There are in game tactics and everything, which I'm fairly sure don't actually do anything

Stage 3 involves actual game play, which I love.  It's great.

I especially love how opponents can chip through balls from anywhere on the pitch and my centre backs, no matter who they are, will have brain meltdowns and run in opposite directions or just deselect at the important moments.  That's absolutely great.

Corners are superb too.  The best bit about them is how you can tell when your opponent will score based on how the computer won't let you select the particular defender you'd like to try and header the ball away.  If Ibrahimovic is standing on the penalty spot, well son, I think I'd like to have someone marking him.  And this is why my PS3 decides to select everyone except the defender most likely to defend it.

even SWOS let you defend it if you weren't a complete retard

A game that makes you practise training
Even better is how my player, whether it be Iniesta or Mark Reynolds, will manage to pass the ball directly to an opponent at exactly the wrong time or even when I haven't pushed a button.  It's intelligent thinking, that.

My other favourite feature of FIFA 14 is how the quickest players in the world feel like you're driving a fucking tug boat on land.  You could put Usain Bolt, EPOd off his tits, against Per Mertesacker having a stroke, and the defender would catch him every time unless he has like a 30 yard start.

2. Career Mode takes forever and ever and ever and how can anyone be arsed

Championship Manager 97/98 was the best manager game of all time and I bet it fits on a floppy disc still.  FIFA 14's career mode is huge and lets you take charge of a team and enjoy the real life struggles of a manager.  Struggles like 'waiting for the computer to load' and 'having to play pre-season friendlies that no-one wants'.  I can only assume this is aimed solely at kids who have nothing else to do in their lives except hang around outside McDonalds, but who has the time?  Jesus H Christ.  It brings me on to my next point

3. you can't play a one off cup WITHOUT PAYING FOR THE PRIVILEGE


  I've paid £50 for a game which is basically just a ruined version of the last one but in order to then actually play it I have to buy features?  Features like 'play a game'.  That sounds great.  Sign me up EA Sports.  While you're at it, you might as well just write down my credit card details or just mug me at an ATM because at some point in the next year, before I inevitably buy your follow up piece of shit game, I'd quite like to be able to play it.


Even FIFA 13's Ultimate Team was fun because it made some vague amount of sense.  Now there are all these weird cards I'm supposed to understand and I'm just lost.  I got Ronaldo once back when I would actually play this bullshit game.  It was a good day.

Collecting football stickers is ranked by the Scottish Health Association as only slightly more addictive than heroin, so it's good that as a grown adult with a debit card, if I want to have a chance of winning any games on this Ultimate Team thing, I need to either spend lots of real money buying packs of stickers with Chico Flores inside, or give up.  That's just great.

what the fuck are all these lines for? just let me choose whoever. THOUGHT POLICE
Clearly I'm just going to keep buying them because I'm an idiot, but I only get the special packs once every 4 months or something, just because I'd really like to get Messi or Ronaldo.  Upon opening the pack and being presented the opportunity to know several foreign players I've never heard of, I realise that actually I could just go and play a normal friendly and have Messi on my team that way and have money to buy beer.  or a gun to shoot myself with.

5. online servers

Once you get into a game, the stuttering caused by either my internet, or someone else's internet, or EA's servers - whatever -  is too frustrating to even think about.  I've just started turning the thing off now because if I didn't I honestly think I might kill someone.  I play a pass that goes straight to an opponent, and then they get a corner and I can't select my player to head it and then they score, all the while I'm watching something that looks like it was edited in the 1920s.

Even worse, related to online stuff, is all the teenagers with emo avatars on YouTube who post videos of themselves playing it while they scream at you.  You know the ones.

I think I might be getting old

6. it's not fun anymore :-(

I used to love football games, and FIFA in particular, but this new game sucks.  It's boring, annoying, I'm terrible at it and I just want to ping a shot from 40 yards with Adriano while my flat mates drink beer and swear they'll beat me next time.  Then they do but I don't care because the game was still fun and didn't cheat me.  At least when Pro Evo did you in with what is called 'scripting' (or as I used to refer to it - Pro Evo luck) the game was still fun and the winning goal wouldn't be completely shit.

Anyway I've gone ahead and bought ISS 98 on the N64 to see if that will make me happier.  I will report back because I'm sure you care.  Or maybe I won't.  All I know for sure is lol @ manchester united, because you lost to Sunderland tonight you useless bellends.

Wednesday, 22 January 2014

Juan Mata is off to Man United

According to people on Twitter, which is apparently a news source nowadays, beloved Spanish person, Juan Mata, is about to join David Moyes' sinking ship.

I like Juan Mata because he seems like a swell guy but Man United?!  Away.  For a bargain price of £40million, the Chelsea star is set to join a midfield that features Phil 'the butler' Jones, Michael 'tug boat' Carrick and Tom 'no-one gives a shit' Cleverly.  Mata needs the move so he can get games ahead of the world cup but I can't help but picture the United drawing room looking like one of those scenes in a submarine that's just been hit by a torpedo.

"JUST BUY FUCKING ANYONE, QUICKLYYYYY" Moyes screams and then Ed Woodward phones Chelsea's box office to try and get put through to someone important.

"Ed who?"

Meanwhile his wife stares in disgust from behind a box of sugar puffs, ashamed of what she has become.  Like sleeping with pinnochio if he got a job as a banker.

I don't know what i'm talking about now, I'm honestly so bored of football news

Everyone hates Derek Riordan

Derek Riordan, or 'cunty chops' as he prefers to be known, has been without a club for over a year now and was crying about how nobody wants to be his friend or have him play for them.  Then Arbroath gave him an offer he couldn't refuse.  Except he did

The striker has been looking to relaunch his career as a bellend top class player by training with Alloa but even they don't want to sign him.  Surely destined for great things, Riordan was able to turn down an offer from Arbroath manager Paul Sheerin, who told the Scotsman:
“I got in touch with Derek, however he would rather take his chances elsewhere.”
Most clubs don't want him because he's not that good, 30, attacks people on nights out and is banned from every nightclub and bar in Edinburgh.  That last bit is hilarious.  It's a genuine achievement.  Some people have Champions League medals, others go down in local folklore as the boy who scored the last minute winner against 'rival team'.  Derek Riordan is remembered by bouncers for being that minky ex footballer who drinks Wee Beastie at half time 

Anelka does bad gesture

As we've come to establish over the years preceding world war 2, Nazis are bad.  This is why Nicolas Anelka is in big trouble for doing an 'inverted Nazi' gesture to support his friend in France.

It may sound like a bad dance routine, but unlike the timewarp, the inverted nazi is heavily linked with anti-semitism.  Oi.  Zoopla, who coincidentally I had never heard of before this whole situation, have said that they will pull out of their sponsorship agreement IMMEDIATELY at the end of the season now that WBA have stated they will continue to play their star striker.  It's almost as if they want the publicity or something.

Besides Zoopla, I'd never heard of the quenelle either.  In fact the only time you usually here a frenchman say quenelle is when there’s a war on.  As in ‘(fu)quenelle, lets surrender immediately’

Paul Ince is fired again

Good old Paul Ince has once again been dismissed for being a really bad football manager, with Blackpool severing ties with the former England player.

His Blackpool biography doesn't read too well to be honest.  He gets the job because he happens to be the Dad of the best player on the team, goes around threatening to beat people up on the touchlines, proves to be tactically inept and then tries to sell the club's best player - his son - on the cheap, losing most of the games along the way.  It sounds scarily like what my under 14s team used to be now I think about it.  When asked what he planned to do next, Ince said that he "doesn't care" because he's heard that Blackpool are interested

Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Anderson has gone to Italy

Manchester United's Anderson has completed his move to Fiorentina on loan after successfully passing a medical

The Brazilian hasn't featured much in David Moyes' hilarious plans so far this season and as the Scotsman attempts to salvage the remainders of my favourite season ever, he has deemed the midfielder surplus to requirements.  I don't think Anderson really cares

As we all know, Italian football has been pointless since James Richardson stopped talking to himself outside random cafes and because Rui Costa and Gabriel Batistuta have both been dead or something for at least 20 years, no-one knows who plays for Fiorentina anymore.  Anderson has changed that because now I know that Anderson plays for them.  I also know that he loves pies and is shit

Southampton's translator is really the manager

I was always dubious about Pochettino using a translator in interviews so I did some digging.  What I discovered SHOOK ME TO THE CORE

And so I made that video.  Click on it and see my discoveries

Friday, 17 January 2014

Everyone hates Rangers

All those jerks I grew up with in a tiny Aberdeenshire village who chose to support The Rangers because they won stuff are finally getting the karma they were due, as Sevco United are once again in financial turmoil.  hah ha ah ah ah ah ahhhaha ha

Despite being in League One in Scotland, a division only slightly more prestigious than 'least ugliest dog' at Crufts, The Rangers have managed to amass a glorious wage bill of around £7.8million.  To put that into context, 8 out of the 10 clubs in the same division are part-time, which means unlike Rangers, their players all have real jobs outside of playing football and molesting their cousins at christmas parties.

Ally McCoist is particularly upset at the vicious fixture congestion they've been dealt as their professional players have been forced to play 4 games in very quick concession.  John Gemmel, who plays for Stenhousemuir had this to say about it (read from the bottom up)

These glory hunting bellends have done my tits in for years and years.  Man United being pish is great, but Rangers going under again is just fantastic.  Not that I'm biased in anyway.  If there's one thing I pride FitbaThatba in it's neutrality

Southampton are MELTDOWN

Southampton are in code red right now because a man called Nicola has left the building.  A MAN CALLED NICOLA WHAT WORLD IS THIS ARGHGHHGHG

The last time anyone called Nicola caused this much confusion was when I first saw Girls Aloud and tried to work out which order I'd bang them in.  While I eventually decided that I would just take them in whatever order they chose, MR Nicola Cortese has left Southampton for some boring reasons and a fat mess has taken charge of the club instead.  Pochettino says he's going to stay put even though he's basically in love with the guy.  When asked whether he had any remorse for his heinous crimes, he simply said 'I will kill again'

Thursday, 16 January 2014

Ronaldo is the best player in the world

Between the time that my laptop stopped working and now, Cristiano Ronaldo won the Ballon d'Or and cried a lot about it in front of people.  hoooraaayyyyyy

The sexy Portugesian accepted the prestigious award in front of an audience of footballers, their hot wives and some old people in an event held in Sepp Blatter's garden.  Lionel Messi continued his tradition of wearing the most awesome suits in the world ever by wearing this:

And while lots of newspapers have been saying he looks like Ron Burgundy, I think he looks sharp as fuck.  In other surprising truths, I also really want to bang his girlfriend.  The real story of the night however was the revelation that in their voting slips, Ronaldo and Messi both didn't vote for each other, with Messi voting for Iniesta, Xavi and Neymar as his three best players in the world and Ronaldo voting for Falcao, Mesut Ozil and hilariously, Gareth Bale.

Everyone should spare a thought for poor Franck Ribery though, since winning five trophies in one year hasn't seemed to have done him any use at all.  It's not easy looking like you've either fallen off the side of a cathedral or been created in a laboratory and it's even more difficult having to cancel a boat load of underage prostitutes for an after party on your iPhone while sitting at an awards ceremony

Thursday, 9 January 2014

Messi is really good

Lionel Messi's spaceship relanded in Barcelona last night in time for the Getafe game and so he came on for the last 25 minutes and scored two.  BECAUSE HE CAN

He's an absolute freak.  You can look up his goals on 101greatgoals or something like that, and while the first one is nothing special, the second is just stupid.  If a player had scored as many goals like that in one of my games on the old Championship Manager I would have said it was a stupid unrealistic game and the only reason I was losing was because the computer had created a modern day Jesus.  Then again, now I think about it that's pretty much my reasoning behind every video game I'm shit at - and I'm shit at a lot of them.  I also think that Luis Enrique sounds like he should be a character in Street Fighter 2 but that my friends, is another story altogether

Allardyce has turned to the dark side

Sam Allardyce still hasn't been fired yet, which is good because he likes his job.  What the fans don't know is that their hatred of him only makes him grow stronger

Despite looking like a fat man that got stuck in a car crushing machine, Sam and his perfectly square head have been given a vote of confidence by West Ham's owners who penned an open letter to the fans.  It read:
'I honestly have no idea what he's doing either but there's no one else better.  Do you really want Alex McLeish?  Exactly.  Now wise up'
But it wasn't enough so Sam sent an email which said:
"We've got to get out there, face the music and use it to anger us, make us mad, and win matches," 
"The players can't feel sorry for themselves. We are professionals and we've got to take the criticism thrown at us because that's what happens in the game at this level. 
"We've got to be man enough to take it on the chin and be determined enough to show people that what they think at this particular moment in time is wrong.
"You either come out fighting or you sink and die. I come out fighting as a manager and my staff and players are the same." 

In an interesting take on modern football tactics, Sam has clearly drawn on some historical methods from a pub team in the 1960s.  Back then a simple shout of "You there - be more manly" resulted in the striker scoring eight goals and returning home triumphantly to punch his wife in the face.  My god I miss the 60s

Thomas Hitzlsperger is totally gay

Ex-Everton and Aston Villa midfielder Thomas Hitzlsperger has told a newspaper in Germany that he is totally gay, making him the first Premier League player to have done so.  Hooray!

Before yesterday everyone in England thought that being gay was just something that people back in the olden days did but now thanks to Hitzlsperger's announcement they have seen the light.  Working class moron football fans are concerned that now everyone will become gay since the condition is very contagious and knowing that they were once within several hundred miles of one is too much to think about.  Luckily for them I've seen enough films to know that if you stab the head homosexual directly through the heart, the rest will disappear immediately.

In serious news, fair play to you good sir.  I'm sure I speak for everyone in the world when I say that I hope this sort of thing doesn't have to be news very soon, because I don't include those in the world who are homophobic or racist as humans.  I believe they should all be rounded up and sent to live on Daily Star island where they shag each other to death in Reebok trainers

Tuesday, 7 January 2014

Manchester United have a war chest

I'm still not sure what a war chest is but if the papers are to be believed then by jove, David Moyes has one.

Depending on who you trust, the former Everton boss has either £50m, £100m or £200m or even 100trillion billion space euros or even 30 bit coins to spend on whichever players he chooses.  Except for the good ones since no-one wants to come and play for David Moyes.  Some fans are worried because their team looks exceptionally boring and shit at the moment, and Moyes' only purchase, Maroune Fellaini has been about as good a value for money as when you go to one of those Link cash machines that makes you buy your own money.

I think they can't really be mad because when you give someone a bunch of money when they've never had any to spend before it's not their fault.  That's like getting annoyed at your little shit of a nephew for buying in-app purchases on your iPad cos they didn't need a password and didn't know any better.  They totally knew.  Luckily I'm an understanding uncle though and merely punished him by introducing him to aggressive porn and how to read about serial killers on wikipedia.  Education is the key

Theo Walcott is broken

Poor little Theo Walcott is set to miss another world cup after his leg fell off against Tottenham.

Walcott had been on form until he suffered what it is called a 'anteater crucial ligament' injury and now we get to listen and read to lots of people who once played football telling us about what strikers Arsenal need to buy.  Ray Parlour said 'holy shitting christ, i can't believe he's gone. You should never have taken him away from us god, he was so young ARHGHRGHRGH" and then he broke down in tears and a lorry ran him over.

Luckily for Theo Walcott he has two knees and this means that the other one might be ready in time for Brazil 2014.  The good news for England fans is that even if he has that leg amputated and the ligament one is still damaged, he will still be 80% better than Aaron Lennon.

Gary Goals is available for your team NOW!

Someone on Twitter called @gregor1903 stumbled across this flyer today:

I phoned him and he has a very nice answer phone message giving you more information on the enigma that is Gary Goals, which I suggest you ring.  Get him to play for your team because goals are guaranteed.

Good lad

The FitbaThatba Fantasy Football Podcast - COMING SOON

Hello friends, I'd just like to remind you that you should all join our Fantasy Football League by emailing us a picture of your girlfriend's tits or alternatively by using this pin number


The reason you should do this is because we at fitbathatba are about to embark on a new journey through time and space to about 2003 when podcasts were popular.  In this forgotten land before time, not only will that dinosaurs mum not die, but also you will hear me (JJ) and a selection of people I either work with or know discussing fantasy football stuff.  I expect it will be utterly shite but who dares wins and it will give you something to do in the bath or when you're at work and meant to be doing something else.

As we can clearly see, I am no where near the top 20 at the moment but by god I will be soon maybe. The winner of the league gets a FitbaThatba tshirt which conveniently can also be used as a summer hat if you put it on your head, or as a flag if you want to try and invade a country.  

This is the team currently topping the table

So join in and then look out for when I figure out how to do podcasts because they are coming.  COMIN TO GIT YA

Friday, 3 January 2014

Six Players Arsenal Should Sign if they want to win the league

Arsenal are the sexiest team in the league this year and now that we have reached a new year (2014) it is possible that they could actually win something.  According to all of the men on the TV they will only do this if they sign a striker because spending money = success and so here is a list of who they should buy:

1. Diego Costa

Because I am really cool, I know a lot about Spanish football and there's this one new Spanish kid called "Diego Costa" who you may not have heard about.  Do not confuse him with the Brazilian 'Diego Costa' because they are different people.  One has the heart of a lion, the courage of a bear and the footballing brain of an eagle, and the other is a traitorous bellend

2. Lionel Messi

Due to my afore mentioned encyclopaedic knowledge of Spanish football I was able to identify one of Barcelona's reserve players as a perfect signing for Arsenal.  Messi doesn't even make the Barcelona team at the moment but I've been on YouTube enough to know that the boy has potential, just like I always knew next door's daughter would turn out to be hot when she was 16 I mean turn into a fine young lady

3. Nicklas Bendtner

Arsenal should look no further than a giant Danish striker called Nicklas Bendtner.  He's actually already scored at the Emirates before so he would probably know his way around the stadium if Wenger could pull off the signing, but due to his high demand among all the biggest clubs in Europe - especially Barcelona and Real Madrid - I doubt Arsenal will be able to afford the £80million+ it would require to get his signature.  You may be sceptical about what I've just written but I got all the information from Nicklas  At any rate it's probably a more reliable source than most of the things I referenced when I was at Uni

4. The Confused dot com robot

If Arsene Wenger were able to sign the Confused dot com robot I would be absolutely delighted since then I would know exactly where it is and could therefore kick it to death

5. Nicklas Bendtner's best friend: Nicklas Bendtner

Nicklas Bendtner may have injured his ankle but luckily he knows someone equally as brilliant as he.  Himself.  If this does not prove to be a viable option then my next suggestion is to sign Thierry Henry again and put him in water tank thing from Empire Strikes Back so he can be really good again

6. Andri Sigporsson

Back before the internet was really around the name on every scout's lips was Andri Sigporsson, however the fuck you wanted to pronounce it.  The star of Championship Manager 97/98, Sigporsson would guarantee Arsenal about 70 goals in the second half of the season, which would probably help their campaign.  That depends on whether he can adapt to Arsenal's playing style first of course, and Wenger would have to find him.  Though some digging suggests that in real life he actually works in a bakery in Iceland, scientists maintain that his whereabouts have been lost in history.  Through advanced mapping techniques and based on what his brother looks like, luckily I have been able to create an artist's impression of what the scandinavian forward looks like in the year 2014

artist's impression of Andri Sigporsson today

Eye opening.

So anyway, good luck Arsene.  Perhaps if you draw upon that time you met President Obama you will have the power.  I BELIEVE IN YOU

Thursday, 2 January 2014

Happy New Year!

Congratulations to all of you who have survived long enough to read this.

You may have noticed that we haven't really written much recently and that is because it's hard to be millionaire sex gods, beloved by all, and write a shitty football blog and draw pictures. The youtube stuff takes fucking ages.

This coming year will mark a change in the way we do things round fitbathatba land. Rather than the 7 articles a day I tried to do this year, and you can pretty much see the exact time I gave up on that from the archive numbers, from now on we shall do slightly less and perhaps tell some stories with just pictures instead. Since every jerk and his dog has a blog now, and since there are 4million goons ruining the internet with shit youtube videos, and since the actual papers seem to have worked out whats interesting, and since paddy power pretty much either ripped off or thought of the same idea as us, and also also since we've been using the same jokes for 3 years and also because tits - for they truly are what nature is about.

I can also excitingly reveal that this year will mark the dawn of the fitbathatba fantasy football podcast! It will be utterly shit.

Thanks for reading last year, i'll try and keep being so hilarious. If you could all send emails to jack on the fitbathatba at address telling him he's a bellend, i would find that funny and he might turn up at your house.  Like a weird internet candy man.

Tl;dr writing is hard, no time, podcast coming, annoy jack

Love you babez x