Wednesday, 18 December 2013

That Samsung aliens v football thing is awful

Urghhhhhhhggghgghgh it's just terrible.  You've all seen this, right?  Samsung have paid a very expensive CGI department to animate an apocalyptic situation where various footballers are called up to play against aliens for planet earth, to a script that I'm pretty sure was written by a 10 year old

Have you also noticed that Victor Moses is the only black guy in the whole team?  I refuse to believe that the world's elite 11 only has 1 black player, especially if that black guy is Victor Moses.

Why the shitting christ is he in a team to defend the earth?  Victor Moses?  Really?  Of all the players in the world, he was one of the top 11.  Think about that for a minute.  Think about how absolutely pish he is.  This is how my conversation with the manager would have gone:
"Oh hey maybe we should take Juan Mata, he's quite good and this team is very important after all."
"No mate, Victor Moses"
*shoots self in head instantly*
I also don't understand why all of these players are so delighted to be called up for the challenge.  Presumably if they lose then everyone is either killed or enslaved and I don't fancy that kind of pressure myself.  Premier League players are used to coping with it a bit better I suppose, but there's a fair difference to the adrenaline rush you get nutmegging Gary Caldwell to having to evade something inhuman that is actively trying to cause you harm.  wait a minute

Lionel Messi is the captain because he's the best one.  I can sort of see where they're going with that, but why is he going for a jog with a football down the streets?

Furthermore, why doesn't he just... leave the ball when he gets surrounded by cars.  If I walk down the street with a football and a bunch of cars pull up and surround me, the last thing I'm going to do is try and dribble it out of there.  It's a fucking ball.

What else is stupid about this thing.  Ahh yes, Falcao getting a tattoo.  Wayne Rooney boxing for no apparent reason.  Victor Moses playing darts with Oscar.  Iker Casillas also has a mental breakdown at some point and starts to believe he's catching flies outside.  I can't think of anyone better to defend the earth's goal than someone who hasn't played a competitive match for about a year.

Of course everyone is selected because they have something to do with Samsung, I think, which is why the team is weird and appears to have no defenders and some Asian players that I have no idea who they are.  I don't understand why if the game is on earth they all have to wear weird power rangers outfits, and I hate the advert.

I don't know what formation they're planning on utilising, but judging by the fact that all of the players are attacking midfielders and strikers, presumably it's a new fangled one with no defenders, with the plan being that the goalie just humps it up to Falcao or whoever is fashionable that week to do an overhead kick.  I personally think they should have got JT on the team so he can go away mad shagging the aliens' birds while they're fannying about playing football.  Later they can release Ryan Giggs on them, since he will shag the aliens too, and suddenly baby, you've got a stew going.  Or a porno.  I've totally forgotten why I started this article.  How are you?