Friday, 27 December 2013

Malky Mackay is sacked

Malky Mackay was fired by Cardiff City owner 'Professor Batshit Mental' today

RIP sweet prince

Thursday, 26 December 2013

Malky Mackay is still on the windup

Malky Mackay still has a job despite the fact that his very powerful and insane boss wants him dead.  Now he's told the fans that they can protest if they want

The Cardiff boss has had to put up with the eccentric millionaire funding a small town from Wales to reach the Premier League for a couple of years now, but since Mackay wants to keep improving he asked for some cash the other day.  Mr Tan took exception to this since he's already thrown a whole bunch at it already and now the fans are all annoyed because their manager nearly got binned.
"What they want to sing and what they want to say is down to themselves."
That's what the manager said - the equivalent of 'I'm going to walk forwards like this and if you happen to get in the way then it's your OWN fault'

Captain Exciting joins Fulham

The most exciting man in the world, Alan Curbishley, has been appointed Fulham's first team technical director.  I have no idea either

The former Charlton man 'joins forces' with coach Rene Meulensteen to try and turn around Fulham's season after Martin Jol spent the last few months trying to get fired, like a less risque version of Mr Garrison's sexual harassment claim attempts.  With their combined force it is hoped that opposition teams will fall asleep as though playing against Jigglypuff.

As for being a technical director, I suspect the most technical thing Alan Curbishley has done in the last few years is type 'google' into the google search bar on his ipad you fucking idiots stop doing that

Tuesday, 24 December 2013


It's Christmas tomorrow so I hope you celebrate Santa's birthday appropriately.  Hopefully no-one you know dies and if they do, just tell the police that I was with you the whole time, yeh?

Peace out

love from JJ and Jack

Spurs are hilarious

Tottenham Lolspurs have appointed Tim Sherwood as their manager until the end of the 2014/15 season.  CONGRATULATIONS!!

official scenes from White Hart Lane yesterday
Battling brave Tim Sherwood has won the hearts of the Spurs faithful by successfully negotiating his team out of the League Cup and managing to beat an injury depleted Southampton.  Due to his brilliant tactical man, which includes controversially playing TWO players up front, Daniel Levy has seen fit to give him a contract that allows him to basically choose the team.  Like a strange evil puppeteer, Levy can now ensure that Adebayor gets a game during his annual phase of "giving a shit for 5 games" and can relegate all those terrible AVB signings to the reserves where they belong.

Meanwhile, as Spurs finish 8th and AVB gets a job in France or at Porto, winning domestic honours in his first year and doing rather well in Europe too, Spurs fans everywhere can lament the time that they had one of most coveted managers in football and fired him because he was doing about as well as could be expected of a team full of average.  Trying to get that Spurs squad to gel and be good enough to challenge the top 4 in 6 months was like when I gave that nerdy girl with potential an expensive make over, but then got rid of her when she hadn't been to the gym at all cos she was too busy in the Europa League or mourning the death of her parents or whatever it was she said.  Lazy

Friday, 20 December 2013

My copy of FM14 has had a stroke

I think I've run out of words


Thursday, 19 December 2013

Spurs want Frank De Boer, AVB didn't want any of those guys

Daniel Levy sounds like an absolute tool according to the various things I hear about him, but having never met the evil tyrant myself, I couldn't possibly say.  Luckily for Frank De Boer, Levy wants him to lead Spurs to 5th place

For those of you who don't remember Frank De Boer, he was a left back that played for Holland and some other teams who once scored a really good free kick.  He also missed a penalty once.  This exhausting summary of his career ends as I reveal he is currently the Ajax boss, and since the last young, ambitious foreign manager that Spurs hired did so well, it is expected that De Boer will magically make all of the signings they made look amazing, or so say The Daily Mirror:

Spurs' director of football Franco Baldini has identified Ajax boss De Boer as the perfect fit to develop young players, play stylish football and show a glittering CV.
It is understood discreet enquiries have already been made to sound out De Boer and his advisers about the vacancy created at the White Hart Lane club on Monday by Andre Villas-Boas' departure.
It's well rumoured that Levy pretty much made Tim Sherwood play 4-4-2 in Wednesday's incredibly funny 2-1 loss to West Ham reserves, and is well pissed that he has to keep paying Adebayor £175k a week to essentially be a lunatic.  Trying to achieve anything with a boss that thinks everything they do is right is awful, and if you imagine that the football world assumes all the bad things that happen are your fault when they're not... you can kinda see why AVB was a bit wound up by the end.

Apparently AVB actually told his bosses not to sign three or four of the players they got in the summer.  The Daily Mail says this:

ANDRE VILLAS-BOAS did not approve four of Tottenham’s seven summer signings and asked chairman Daniel Levy not to buy them. 
Villas-Boas objected to the acquisitions of Erik Lamela, Nacer Chadli, Vlad Chiriches and Christian Eriksen, a quartet who cost Spurs a total of £56million, but his judgment was overruled.  
The Portuguese manager asked his chairman to buy Hulk, Joao Moutinho and David Villa as he planned for life without Gareth Bale. None of these signings materialised and the £110m recruitment drive lies at the heart of a power struggle inside White Hart Lane which culminated in the sacking of Villas-Boas (above) on Monday. 
Of Tottenham’s seven recruits, Villas-Boas wanted only Paulinho, Etienne Capoue and Roberto Soldado.

In fact I've actually found some exclusive footage of Levy telling AVB all about his success in the transfer market here:

I feel like you should have genuinely learned something here.  And if not, then let me ask you this: if the best things in life are free, why does a court make me pay child support to that prostitute.

I didn't even want to go out that night

Barcelona might have to pay lots more for Neymar

According to some online newspaper stories from today, Barcelona might be in a world of financial pain pretty soon.  I don't really understand it, so below the Neymar video is what the actual news site says.  I will explain what I think they mean afterwards

From The Daily Mail:
The Catalan Giants say they paid £47.8m for the Brazilian. Of this sum £14.2m to Santos and to the two investment companies that also part-owned the player as a transfer fee, plus a further £33.6m to the company N&N owned by Neymar and his father. 
Barcelona club member Jordi Cases has brought a suit against club president Sandro Rosell accusing him of misappropriation of funds and Judge Pablo Ruiz has given Barcelona five days to produce the relevant documentation to prove that the £33.6m payment was a legitimate commission.
Christ that sounds boring.  But basically what it means is that maybe Barca fiddled with who they paid for Neymar in the first place, and actually owe about another £50million to someone.  I can't work out who that is yet but it looks like they basically paid £33million to Neymar's Dad and Neymar.... and £14m to Santos.....

So my understanding is that if I go into the shop and buy some space raiders I pay the shop assistant 5p and then pay the Dad of the guy who invented space raiders 10p, and then I complain on the internet about space raiders costing 15p because they are supposed to be 10p and talking about things you used to remember is hilarious.  OMG DO YOU REMEMBER PAT SHARPE 

Chelsea are going to sign Diego Costa

Jose Mourinho hates his strikers so much that he is one mouse click on silk road away from having them "transferred with the fishes".  His plan is to beg for Diego Costa

The treacherous Brazilian Spaniard is one of the only sort of available strikers in Europe that isn't Dr Evil expensive, and is also good enough to fulfil all of Jose's needs.  Since Fernando Torres is basically like Jesus to Atletico Madrid fans, he might be involved in a swap plus money deal, according to my sources who this time are not that guy who asks me for money on the train.

I can't help but feel that including modern Fernando Torres in addition to money in a swap purchase deal for Diego Costa is sort of like when you buy a box of rice krispies only to find a toy inside.  'Oh no way! I hadn't even noticed that was there' and then you throw it in the bin because it's fucking useless

Wednesday, 18 December 2013

That Samsung aliens v football thing is awful

Urghhhhhhhggghgghgh it's just terrible.  You've all seen this, right?  Samsung have paid a very expensive CGI department to animate an apocalyptic situation where various footballers are called up to play against aliens for planet earth, to a script that I'm pretty sure was written by a 10 year old

Have you also noticed that Victor Moses is the only black guy in the whole team?  I refuse to believe that the world's elite 11 only has 1 black player, especially if that black guy is Victor Moses.

Why the shitting christ is he in a team to defend the earth?  Victor Moses?  Really?  Of all the players in the world, he was one of the top 11.  Think about that for a minute.  Think about how absolutely pish he is.  This is how my conversation with the manager would have gone:
"Oh hey maybe we should take Juan Mata, he's quite good and this team is very important after all."
"No mate, Victor Moses"
*shoots self in head instantly*
I also don't understand why all of these players are so delighted to be called up for the challenge.  Presumably if they lose then everyone is either killed or enslaved and I don't fancy that kind of pressure myself.  Premier League players are used to coping with it a bit better I suppose, but there's a fair difference to the adrenaline rush you get nutmegging Gary Caldwell to having to evade something inhuman that is actively trying to cause you harm.  wait a minute

Lionel Messi is the captain because he's the best one.  I can sort of see where they're going with that, but why is he going for a jog with a football down the streets?

Furthermore, why doesn't he just... leave the ball when he gets surrounded by cars.  If I walk down the street with a football and a bunch of cars pull up and surround me, the last thing I'm going to do is try and dribble it out of there.  It's a fucking ball.

What else is stupid about this thing.  Ahh yes, Falcao getting a tattoo.  Wayne Rooney boxing for no apparent reason.  Victor Moses playing darts with Oscar.  Iker Casillas also has a mental breakdown at some point and starts to believe he's catching flies outside.  I can't think of anyone better to defend the earth's goal than someone who hasn't played a competitive match for about a year.

Of course everyone is selected because they have something to do with Samsung, I think, which is why the team is weird and appears to have no defenders and some Asian players that I have no idea who they are.  I don't understand why if the game is on earth they all have to wear weird power rangers outfits, and I hate the advert.

I don't know what formation they're planning on utilising, but judging by the fact that all of the players are attacking midfielders and strikers, presumably it's a new fangled one with no defenders, with the plan being that the goalie just humps it up to Falcao or whoever is fashionable that week to do an overhead kick.  I personally think they should have got JT on the team so he can go away mad shagging the aliens' birds while they're fannying about playing football.  Later they can release Ryan Giggs on them, since he will shag the aliens too, and suddenly baby, you've got a stew going.  Or a porno.  I've totally forgotten why I started this article.  How are you?

Laurent Blanc is sexist part 9

A woman had the audacity to ask the mighty Laurent Blanc a question in a press conference the other day.  He did not take it well because he is a massive jerk

The PSG manager hadn't expected to be asked a question by a silly woman, and certainly not one who you would totally do.

Somehow managing to con university professors and various employers within the media into hiring her, presumably by dressing up as a boy before revealing her long hair in the crucial part of the film's third act, Johana Franden dared to ask Blanc about why he changed to a 4-3-3 from a 4-4-2 in recent games.  Clearly overstepping the boundary between obedient housewife and actual person, the former France captain responded in the only way a man could (Daily Mail):
‘Women talking football tactics, it’s so beautiful. 
‘I think it’s fantastic. You know what 4-3-3 means, don’t you?’ 
Franden replied by saying: ‘It is my job to know what it means’, before Blanc continued to patronise her. 
‘I mean, there’s a lot of ways of playing. Haha – just joking.’
Then all the guys in the audience started laughing, high fiving and showing each other photos of tits on their phones.  Except me, I would totally never do that baby

FitbaThatba Christmas Videos

Because it is nearly Santa's birthday, here are the two Christmas related videos that I made in previous years.  I am trying very hard to make another in time for the big day, but it seems rather unlikely that I will succeed.  In the meantime, please enjoy 'The Lionel Messi Nativity Story' and 'How Carlos Tevez Saved Christmas'

Oh and tell your friends and leave comments and blah blah blah

Tuesday, 17 December 2013

"Football transfers are wrong" says some guy

The BBC have a story about the transfer system changing on their front page, and that's how I know it's important.

As we all know, this is what the transfer market looks like.  Not this

But these clubs have only a short while before the whole thing comes crashing down like a ton of bricks, or Richard Hammond after the top gear xmas party.  Philippe Piat told the BBC:
World players' union Fifpro claims the existing transfer system contravenes law and infringes footballers' rights.
"Footballers are workers, and only when they enjoy the rights enjoyed by all will Fifpro be satisfied,"
I also have no idea what Fifpro does, and like you I assumed it was another of those god awful youtube bellends who play fifa and shout at the screen, but apparently it's a big deal.  These new rules he wants to impose would allow players to hand in their notice like normal humans and then move to other clubs for no transfer fees.

This is apparently the way legally the transfer market should operate and since the only other industries I can think of where actual people are sold for money are the slave trade and prostitute trafficking, perhaps they have a point.  

Ronaldo has a museum of himself

Until this week the only good museums were ones that were about wars or dinosaurs, but now Cristiano Ronaldo has changed all of that by opening one about himself.

It's impossible to be bored while touring the Ronaldo museum.  If you switch off for even one second, the man himself nutmegs you and puts the ball in the top corner, before leaving with your girlfriend on the back of his motorcycle.

Even from a young age Ronaldo had the steely eyed glint of a winner, and he grew up to be proud and able to confidently show off his balls

LOL I MEANT FOOTBALLS.  I actually met this guy the other day who works with Adidas footballs and he said that one of his colleagues had a PHD in balls.  It was very hard not to laugh, which is why I did laugh.

Ahhh the Ronaldo wax statue.  The only thing to ever have come out of Man United made of more plastic than all of the fans.  And also Ryan Giggs mad shagging dildo.  Available now for 9.99

Brazilian stadiums are not safe

The World Cup is just round the metaphorical corner, but round the corner there are no fucking stadiums built. Manaus' stadium is behind schedule, and has been condemned for it's lack of safety regulations and now the site has been rated "zero for safety".

I'm not sure the rating counts as it was done by the builders - I mean I can give the film "Goal 3" a rating of "the shittest film of all time" if I want, and I have. There have been two deaths at the work site recently, as the builders rush to finish the stadium before the end of the year. With the tournament starting in June, you think someone would step in and say "this is mental, people are actually dying" - but they didn't, so the workers have gone on strike. Good for them.

England of course are playing in Manaus and all the talk has been about the dangers of playing in the Amazon. Apparently there are other issues with being in the Amazon, such as crazy insects that eat your face, and transporting steel from Portugal - which is why the stadium is behind schedule. Playing in the Amazon could be beneficial for England, if Suarez, Cavani and the entire Italian team were killed in a tragic Piranha adventure in 3D, they might actually draw with Costa Rica. 

Jack Wilshere flips the bird

Oh Jack Wilshere, how could you? When I saw Jack Wilshere apparently giving the Man City fans the finger, I didn't believe my eyes. The FA have now confirmed he WILL be charged for being all sweary and corrupting the young kids who saw the evil man on TV.

Wilshere has until 6pm tomorrow to decide if he will fight the charge. I think he should stroll into the FA Headquarters and give them all the universal "wanker" gesture. Chances are he will get a one match ban and be forced to pay £20,000 - which using the footballer exchange rate, is the same price as an ice pole. 

There's something strangely empowering about giving someone the middle finger. I remember seeing Top Gun for the first time and thinking that giving the "bird" instantly earned you 1000 cool points. Maverick was the shit, gunning down Russians, or Chinese or whatever, playing volleyball with the boys and shagging his teacher. Strange to think that 20 years later he's given up the Air Force and become a really successful actor, who happens to believe in a religion based on aliens, that extorts money from people and pretends to be a an actual religion so they don't have to pay any taxes. If Wilshere was in Top Gun he would be Goose. Everyone's favourite for about 30 minutes, then he dies but nobody cares because Ramsey is much beter

Monday, 16 December 2013

AVB is dead....... serious about being sacked. Again

Hilariously, Spurs have fired Andre Villas-Boas today after he watched his side get torn apart by Liverpool.

Despite having Spurs' most successful win percentage (54%) in the Premier League ever, Daniel Levy has decided to get rid of his handsome manager and replace him with anyone else.  AVB's plan for Spurs seemed impossibly brilliant only a few months ago.  By selling their best player, and one of the best in the world, he was able to buy a bunch of dudes he had heard of by playing Football Manager, forgetting that in real life you can't just turn the computer off and start again when Jordan Henderson scores against you.

With Andri Sigporsson off the market, AVB had no choice but to buy Roberto Soldado and make him look as shit as possible, and after scoring 0 goals in open play for 25 years, it's a wonder he lasted this long.

I haven't seen anything from AVB yet so it is quite possible that he's still free falling down the secret tunnel in Daniel Levy's office at the moment

a photo taken of avb only minutes ago
He seems like a nice enough chap, but as many people seem to have noticed recently, AVB might not actually be very good at managing.  He won all that stuff with Porto which was pretty good I guess, but winning trophies in Portugal is about as difficult as beating your sister at arm wrestling.

Goodnight sweet prince

Friday, 13 December 2013

FitbaThatba vs Fantasy YIRMA

The lovely chaps over at Fantasy YIRMA foolishly requested that we accept their challenge of 'predicting the most right scores' which I think they have actually branded in a better way than that.

As you can see, I have predicted a largely low scoring weekend of football and expect that I will definitely win this game, despite not having had a successful accumulator in about 8 years.  That reminds me of a joke one of my friends used to tell me which was:

Why was Mary Queen Of Scots so annoyed that she won the pools? 
She lost her coupon

You can follow those guys at @FantasyYIRMA and you should because they are very nice and bought us a beer one time

Thursday, 12 December 2013

David Moyes is not having fun

David Moyes has been enjoying some lovely press recently which either asserts that he is utterly pish at being a manager, that he's out of his depth and that Alex Ferguson will probably chuck him out and take over again quite soon.

Moyes had the misfortune of taking over a team that only Ferguson had the faintest of ideas how to make work - the equivalent of being given an 'assemble it yourself' microwave with pictures of Phil Jones' terrifying face instead of words for instructions.  And so rightly, Moyes decided the only thing he could do was play a 40 year old man who ploughed his brother's wife for several years as the centre point of the team.  At this rate I honestly think he's about 2 games away from phoning Gary Pallister up for a game.  I'm pretty sure he can't be any worse than Ferdinand is at the moment.

It has always been my dream that someday all the glory hunting cunts who supported United, despite having no affiliation with them other than that 'they win stuff', would finally get their comeuppance and now it has come, it's as good as I could have hoped.  Losing two games in a row at Old Trafford? Amazing.  I never thought I'd see the days.

Even Rio Ferdinand has started whinging about stuff saying "WAAAHHHH I want the team sheet before the game" but old Moyesy knows what he's doing.  It was a master stroke to sign Marouane Fellaini for £27million - almost identical to the sorts of tactics I would employ when cheating on Championship Manager where I would sign ridiculously shit players for all the money United had and sell their best ones to anyone.  Like my video game playing youth becoming real before my very eyes.

Ferguson's shadow continues to loom over a stadium that has an entire stand named after him, and a statue outside, and Moyes still can't figure out how to change the speed dial on the phone in his office to someone other than Howard Webb, but fortunately for us United dislikers, David Moyes is here to stay.

Oh god I hope he's here to stay.

Robin Van Persie has even begun his trademark treacherous bellend ways and has reportedly handed in a transfer request.  A perfect time then for Moyes to recreate one of Ferguson's most famous misadventures and kick a football boot directly off his face because if anyone deserves that it's probably him.

Something about a hairdryer.


Champions league review of champions

It's time for me to tell you what you think about all of tonight's Champions League games so you don't have to!  It's the Champions League Review of Champions by Champions (me)


Group A

David Moyes successful impression of the worst Man United manager ever took a setback as he accidentally got his team to win their group, despite hilariously playing Ryan Giggs and Phil Jones in centre midfield.  Some other team from Germany who aren't Bayern or Dortmund also got through but I don't think I've met anyone who could give less of a shit about them than me so just file them on the 'pointless' pile that you have.

Group B

The Team With The Best Strikers Ever (c) topped their group, with Mr Bale and Mr Ronaldo scoring several goals each.  Ronaldo even broke the record for most goals in the Champions League group stage and latterly another for me never having masturbated to a picture of a man before.

Galatasaray used all of their match fixing powers to control the weather and get Tuesday's game called off because of some snow, and the replay at 1pm threw off Juventus who now have to play in the Europa League.  It's like preparing for a date with a really hot girl you met but then she cancels and sends her fat friend.  If you close your eyes you can pretend it's the same thing, but once you get your hands on it you know it's not.  It even feels cheaper.

Group C

Team Money won this group thanks to Zlatan and whatever other players they have.  Cavani I guess.  Greece's number one team Olympiakos also managed to qualify by drawing or winning or maybe losing.  I don't care

Group D

Bayern Munich finally lost a game and did it in humiliating style by allowing James Milner to score against them, having been 2-0 up at one point.  They still won the group because Manuel Pellegrini didn't realise his team only had to score one more goal away against Bayern Munich but what nerds know this stuff anyway?  Have you ever seen Pellegrini?  When you're at home nerding it up with "science" he's out drinking Old Fashioneds and smoking cigarettes and listening to Local Natives

Group E

Chelsea won Group E and Demba Ba scored against Steaua Bucharest.  FC Shalke also qualified.  This is as interesting as Group E gets, except that Basel makes me thing of Basil Brush, and also the herb, basil.

Group F

Arsenal managed to qualify for the last 16 after a brave 2-0 loss to Napoli and their stabby fans.  A late goal by Borussia Hipsterville against 10 man Marseille was enough to see them top the group and this means that Arsene Wenger's side now have to play a really good team to have a chance of winning a tournament everyone knows they won't win anyway

Group G

The Madrid team that isn't Real won this group, probably because Diego Costa scored loads of goals, right guys?  Yeh he's a great a player, totally ace.  And I am absolutely basing this on what I personally know about him, having watched sooo many La Liga games this year and the last few years because I am so cool.  Have you seen that new right back that Villarreal have?  What?  You haven't?  What a loser

Someone from Russia also went through but they're all commies anyway so they don't deserve copy on my capitalist website

Group H

Barcelona pummelled Celtic 6-1 but weren't really trying for most of it.  Neymar started laughing when he missed an own goal and scored just about the easiest Champions League hat-trick I've ever seen, but he'll be happy cos he hadn't scored a hat-trick for Barca before tonight.  Celtic did Scottish football, and indeed people, proud by doing a half arsed job at work and then going out on the piss to get absolutely shit faced and finger a foreign girl they just met in the bus stop, before stopping on their way home to shout at people on the street and eat a pie they found on the floor.  


Wednesday, 11 December 2013

Newcastle want to charge media to interview players

Newcastle United are a never ending source of entertainment.  As soon as things look up and Alan Pardew gets manager of the month, Mike Ashley resumes his nefarious plan to be remembered as the greatest troll of all time.  Now this:

The club have tried a few things recently in order to increase revenue and this latest plan seems to be the most mental yet.  Ashley and co have decided to charge newspapers and the like for access to their players between match days, in an unprecedented move almost unanimously dismissed as idiotic amongst the press world.  But who wouldn't want to pay thousands to speak to Shola Ameobi about what his favourite bread is?

The packages for player access are graded as bronze, silver and gold so that the sources who pay the most for membership get extra access, sort of like joining a gym.  And like a gym, if anyone actually signs up, after a month or two they'll realise that they don't actually really need it at all because can just go to another cheaper gym, or even a free one, like the internet or doing push ups in my neighbour's garden.

If that doesn't make her horny, nothing will.  

Thomas Gravesen wins at life, has hot girlfriend

Ex-Everton and Real Madrid (remember that??!!!) midfielder Thomas Gravesen might look like a pokemon you rescue from an abandoned quarry, but by god he is good at life.

The Danish international retired at the age of 32 and was lambasted by the press for 'throwing his career away' and basically being a mess seeing as he was going out with a porn star at the time.

Cut to the year 2013 and Gravesen has amassed a fortune of €100m, lives in Las Vegas with a Czech-born American model who looks like this:

And has just retired again, at the age of 37.  The crafty genius invested a bunch of his football money in a bunch of financial businesses and they did rather well, enabling him to get women to ignore the disappointment of realising he isn't Lee Carsley.  Women that look like this:

The problem with life is that if you try and talk to Czech-born American models like that without being a former pro footballer with an athletically toned body and a wallet full of money and not receipts from Boots, you end up looking like this

So well played to you Thomas Gravesen, we are all very proud

Garth Crooks is a genius

Sexual love frog, Garth Crooks, is a paid BBC football 'expert' which is why we should all read everything he writes and ingest it appropriately.

Kill me.  Kill me now.  For those of you who can't read tiny writing, Garth Crooks' expert column says:
I was speaking to my uncle Ben on Saturday and said that Aaron Ramsey was almost certain to be the unanimous choice for footballer of the year.  He took the glass of champagne out of my hand and said "you mean Wayne Rooney, don't you?' I told him that he had made a very good point and promptly went home
Who the fuck is Uncle Ben and how much of a shit weasel does Crooks have to be to hand in this to the BBC in exchange for money?  Why it reminds me of only the other day when I was telling my Uncle Graham that Ronaldo would win the Ballon d'Or when he took the champagne out of my hand and said "how am I supposed to cum if you keep talking while you do it? Put some effort in"

Here is my favourite picture of Garth Crooks.

Brazil fans know how to party

The World Cup is very near and Brazil fans have begun the celebrations by beating the shit out of each other.  Yaaaaaaaaayyyyy

A game between Atletico PR and Vasco de Gama was called off the other day after lots of fans started having a good old fashioned rammy resulting in 3 people apparently being left in a coma.

It was a sad way to mark the end of the Brazilian season but their league is absolutely goosed at the moment.  What a great idea then that authorities deemed the game a 'private event' thus requiring the clubs to provide their own private security forces instead of the police, who hung around outside.  No matter how disciplined and well trained you are, the minute 300 angry looking football thugs come running towards you is the exact same one that you realise you never really wanted to be a security officer anyway.

I don't think anyone has died yet which is good, and I would say that I just can't understand how anyone could get so angry that they want to murder a random person over something to do with football, but then auto correct changed the word 'rammy' to 'tammy' 8 times in a row and now I'm in a police holding cell.  Thanks, computer.

John Terry went to Poundworld

Millionaire home wrecker John Terry did a bit of shopping the other day.  IN POUNDWORLD

That wee chap next to him is a Chelsea fan whose name is not important, but he was delighted to meet the former England captain doing some shopping.  He told Get Surrey, my favourite newspaper of all:
“My mate asked him if it was OK to have a picture. He was happy to let us. It was weird just walking in there and seeing him. 
“He had a lot of stuff in his basket but I didn’t really see what it was. When I told my friends they were shocked and wished they had met him as well. He’s probably one of my favourite players.”
So there you go.  This is what passes for news as we approach the year 2014.  Nelson Mandela is dead, people in the Ukraine are protesting and John Terry is buying stuff in a shop full of people that look like they buy the batteries there so they can eat them.

DJ Campbell maybe did match fixing

Footballer that no-one cares about, DJ Campbell, was in the news at some point in the last 7 days that we've failed to post anything on FitbaThatba for something about match fixing.

The current Blackburn striker used to play for Portsmouth and some other utterly shit teams and was released on bail, along with some others, after being questioned about match fixing.  All the papers are like "ERMAGERD" but when you think about it, if some scary looking guy came up to you and said "put the ball out for a throw in in the first 20 minutes and I'll pay you £50k and if you don't I'll stab you" you'd probably say "yeh alright then".

Plus, if you're going to let all these incredibly annoying betting sites tell you to BET NOW BET BET BET BET BET BET every 3 seconds on completely random things like 'yellow cards', 'times hit the post' and 'sexual assault success rate" then you're asking for stuff like this to happen.  Not everyone earns lots of money like Titus Bramble but then again not everyone is charged of sexual assault as often as Titus Bramble so maybe the two are linked.

The scandal isn't quite as bad as in Italy and Turkey which is almost as bad as watching WWE, with the difference being that not everyone involved knows it's fake.  Until we see Francesco Totti bringing a steel chair down over the top of an Udinese player's skull, it just won't be as exciting

Wednesday, 4 December 2013


Hello friends.  We have been so lucky to interview a great selection of Premier League players recently, and today we have two new videos for you!  Bloody hell

AND there's a Dzeko one on our channel there somewhere as well which I'm sure you will find.