Thursday, 21 November 2013

England are the worst team ever of all time

England lost two entirely pointless friendlies in the last few days and oh my god could you even have guessed how terrible they are now?

Thanks to a goal by half giraffe Per Mertesacker, England have been banned by football from the world cup forever, or at least until the world cup.  The newspapers said:
Oh no we are so terrible.  I'm so glad that we won't win the world cup next year but we need a 10 year plan and James Ward-Prowse is the best thing
As long as you assume that 'we' is England then this is my summary of honestly about 100 published pages of news print from over the weekend and up until today.  It's like all of the journalists went on one of those internet sound board things about England games, fell asleep, and the resulting text from their slavering heads got fast tracked to the back page.

The Guardian, for example, went with 'Mertesacker uses head to bring ragged England to 36 year low'

36 year low?  Yes, losing a friendly 1-0 against one of the best teams in world football is so disappointing yet it was even predicted by bookmaker bwin football.  Being an England fan must be like having a step-dad who resents you and wears cardigans.  You want him to be a real manly man who can do push ups and out run that Spanish dad from down the road but selfishly all he does is provide you with a stable platform to achieve great things.  He's technically your Dad so you have to like him but that won't stop him from molesting you every Wednesday.  And even worse he reads The Guardian.