Monday, 25 November 2013

5 Reasons Why that Wes Brown tackle is a definite red card

Gus Poyet is furious that Wes Brown was sent off for his challenge on Charlie Adam this weekend, and most newspapers and pundits have agreed with him.  THIS IS WHY THEY ARE WRONG:

Argument 1. 
When you watch the challenge in slow motion he clearly takes the ball!

Yeh well, that's all very good, however, in real life the challenge did not happen in bullet-time and the referee got one look at it.  The time it took old Wes to start charging towards, reach maximum velocity and then stand up again was about one or two seconds in total.  It's exactly the kind of brainless aggressive tackle that broke Eduardo's leg, Aaron Ramsey's leg, Ben Arfa's leg etc.  By the time he hits the ball his body is already travelling through his intended victim's intended walking path.  Diabolical.

Can you seriously imagine ever seeing Paolo Maldini charge like that into a challenge?  Slide tackles are ace, and that's why players like Alessandro Nesta do them very well and it gets shared around the internet

That's a video of World Cup winner Alessandro Nesta.  The gif is of Wes Brown.

I would argue that it is a distinctly and uniquely 'English/British' HARD MAN's tackle, and should have been fucked off back in the early 90s.  Instead, its decline is lamented by the stupid who yearn for the days when footballers had a pint at half time and 'bloody sky sports hadn't ruined the game'.

Argument 2.
Wes Brown won the challenge! Adam pulled out!

Charlie Adam decided to pull out of the challenge because it was clear that Wesley was going to win the ball.  This was wise, because had he not, it is fairly likely that Surgeon Brown would very unselfishly have performed a clean amputation upon his lower leg for free, saving the NHS thousands.  Had Adam gone straight into the challenge with any similar level of aggression, rather than the spineless and feeble attempt he made, one of these two was going to come out of it far worse than the other.

It's not so much this challenge specifically but the type of challenge he made.  From a referee's point of view, you see some absolute nob hurtling towards another and he jumps out the way.  Had he actually caught Adam, the world would have gone on another ref witch hunt had he not been sent off.  Hypocrisy at its most obvious!

Argument 3.
Tackling is being forced out of the game!

"Fackin 'ell Dazza, I can't believe these bloody foreigners don't know how to play the bloody game!  It's a man's game oi oi banter!  You've got to take a bit of rough and tumble cor blimey"

Pish.  There's a reason that England, renowned for their 'hard tackling' and 'bulldog approach' to games are absolute shite, and that is because literally every other country has been focusing on developing and celebrating the bits of their game that are relevant and actually entertaining.  You know, things like 'passing', ball control, technique - it's how other teams manage to win games, rather than the Germany B team coasting to a victory in a game they couldn't have given any less of a shit about.

There's no denying that watching one player crunch another one is ace - we can all agree on that - and a last ditch slide tackle is sometimes as pleasing to watch as a goal.  The difference between these things and Brown's is that by allowing players to absolutely and unnecessarily power into challenges on the halfway like he did, there is a very large risk of causing serious injury.

Last ditch lunges, sprinting the length of a pitch to deny a striker a shot on goal - these are the qualities that make it a 'man's game', as wonderfully archaic as that tradition may be.

Argument 4.
It's Charlie Adam, who cares


Argument 5.
Wes Brown is not human, so the same rules should not apply

Because Wes Brown is actually a baked bean, he should have special rules applied just for him.  It is not his fault that his head is filled with deliciousness that goes very well on toast.  Like the savoury version of a jelly baby.

In conclusion, technically it should not have been a red card because the tackle was executed rather well - especially for someone like Wes Brown.  In saying that, if English football ever wants to match the technical standards of the rest of Europe, the entire populace who watches it and cries about him being sent off for flying into a challenge like that need to have a can of whoop ass opened upon them.    Or even better yet, have Wes Brown slide challenge them like that on the street.  It truly may well be the only deterrent to drug crime that the police have left.

I guarantee that if you go to a Spanish sunday league game you will not see giant oafs being applauded for punting the ball 40 yards immediately after sliding 10 yards through an opponent, yet head on down to Hackney Marshes and that's exactly what gets applauded.  And I applaud it too because it's funny and sometimes it's one of my team mates who did it.  But we are not the showcase football league for the entire world.

With Rooney's non-sending off in the colours of Manchester United, it just goes to show that as soon as you take off the referee's Man U top and put on another team's, like Sunderland's, fouls that you commit are awarded as the fouls that they are.  God I hate Manchester United.

The end.