Saturday, 30 November 2013

Bendtner is a lad

Nicklas Bendtner was arrested last week on suspicion of criminal damage after allegedly breaking into his own swimming pool.

The Danish superstar was entertaining some family or friends and DEFINITELY WASN'T PISSED when he decided that he really wanted to go for a midnight swim.  In my past experience, the only time that midnight swimming becomes a good idea is somewhere between the end of the 5th game of beer pong and the bit where I wake up, but that's just me I guess.  The Daily Mail has some really good photos of Bendtner definitely not hungover:
Bentner was arrested for allegedly trying to kick down the door to the gym at his luxury apartment block in the early hours of Sunday morning. 
And CCTV footage shows a group of people gathered around an external door to the leisure complex at 1.09am. The footage shows several attempts to kick it open by two men. 
A camera inside the leisure reception area then picks up what looks like a man who has entered through a smashed window. He tries to kick open the locked door to the gym.
Ahhhhh good old Bendtner, what a hero.  He's not the first Premier League player to get in trouble for smashing in someone's backdoor though.


Mike Phelan is a true genius

Mike Phelan has revealed that he was actually in charge of Manchester United for the past five years and Fergie didn't actually do anything.  I am skeptical.

I guess it kinda makes sense since Sir Alex probably can't be arsed anymore, but I would imagine Mike suggests formations and substitutions and Fergie agrees with whatever sounds least stupid.  A bit like how most managers in most businesses work, you might say.  The Daily Mail wrote:
‘With the way things have gone, my first thoughts are to be the boss, yeah. It’s the progression for me now. 
'That’s what I’ve been doing for the last five years, albeit with the title of assistant boss,’ Phelan said.
‘He [Ferguson] was the head of the establishment, there’s no doubt about it and rightly so. He didn’t get to where he’s got through not being a big decision maker but he’ll be the first to admit that a lot of people played their part in that. 
'We all were undercover in that respect. We weren’t the face of what was going on but that was our job. There’s no problem with that from my point of view. The blinkers are off now because I’m outside of all that.
I like the idea that Alex Ferguson is basically an enigma - an icon sent to keep all at Manchester United safe.  Before he was around there was chaos on the streets of Manchester, but years of fighting have left him battle weary and bruised.  Someone else must continue his good work but his image must remain to keep evil out of Old Trafford.  He is.... THE BATMAN    I mean Mike Phelan

autocorrect just tried to change 'Phelan' to 'feline', which I think is a much better way to end this shitty article

Wilfried Zaha smokes or something

I watched England Under 21s against San Marino the other night/week and Wilfried Zaha was absolutely shit.  Here are some pictures of him smoking

The pics are from our friends over at 101GreatGoals and that girl he's with is really hot.  I would go up to her and be all like "girl, you smokin' and I'd do it in that Jim Carrey voice from The Mask because girls really like that.  I read it in a book once.

Anyway then she would say, no I am not smoking, that is Wilfried Zaha who is smoking.  Don't you recognise him?  You saw him play against San Marino Under 21s and he was awful, but you are so good at sex please do sex to me now.  And then I would say 'I know', and I would wink.

I recently realised that I'm older than Olivier Giroud.

Jack interviews Clarence Seedorf

I'd like to pretend that we'd written anything before meeting all of these football celebrities but that would be a lie, and lying makes jesus cry.

Sometimes people say to me "you should maybe do stand up" and then I show them these and they retract that comment

Fitba - bloody hell

As I'm sure you're all aware, we didn't win anything at the football blogging awards.

But as I'm sure you're also aware, we don't really care.  Our mission to get toasty drunk was about 70% complete by the time we got to our table, I can't really remember any of the names of the things who won, but the important thing to note is that we won the first ever comedy award and that's what counts.

That's what our table looked like.  I'm sure you care.

So anyway, we won absolutely nothing.  Thanks if you voted but as Woody Allen once famously said "I would never want to be part of a club that would have me as a member" and "I'm going to shag my adopted daughter now and no-one's going to really say anything about it because technically it's legal"

Monday, 25 November 2013

5 Reasons Why that Wes Brown tackle is a definite red card

Gus Poyet is furious that Wes Brown was sent off for his challenge on Charlie Adam this weekend, and most newspapers and pundits have agreed with him.  THIS IS WHY THEY ARE WRONG:

Argument 1. 
When you watch the challenge in slow motion he clearly takes the ball!

Yeh well, that's all very good, however, in real life the challenge did not happen in bullet-time and the referee got one look at it.  The time it took old Wes to start charging towards, reach maximum velocity and then stand up again was about one or two seconds in total.  It's exactly the kind of brainless aggressive tackle that broke Eduardo's leg, Aaron Ramsey's leg, Ben Arfa's leg etc.  By the time he hits the ball his body is already travelling through his intended victim's intended walking path.  Diabolical.

Can you seriously imagine ever seeing Paolo Maldini charge like that into a challenge?  Slide tackles are ace, and that's why players like Alessandro Nesta do them very well and it gets shared around the internet

That's a video of World Cup winner Alessandro Nesta.  The gif is of Wes Brown.

I would argue that it is a distinctly and uniquely 'English/British' HARD MAN's tackle, and should have been fucked off back in the early 90s.  Instead, its decline is lamented by the stupid who yearn for the days when footballers had a pint at half time and 'bloody sky sports hadn't ruined the game'.

Argument 2.
Wes Brown won the challenge! Adam pulled out!

Charlie Adam decided to pull out of the challenge because it was clear that Wesley was going to win the ball.  This was wise, because had he not, it is fairly likely that Surgeon Brown would very unselfishly have performed a clean amputation upon his lower leg for free, saving the NHS thousands.  Had Adam gone straight into the challenge with any similar level of aggression, rather than the spineless and feeble attempt he made, one of these two was going to come out of it far worse than the other.

It's not so much this challenge specifically but the type of challenge he made.  From a referee's point of view, you see some absolute nob hurtling towards another and he jumps out the way.  Had he actually caught Adam, the world would have gone on another ref witch hunt had he not been sent off.  Hypocrisy at its most obvious!

Argument 3.
Tackling is being forced out of the game!

"Fackin 'ell Dazza, I can't believe these bloody foreigners don't know how to play the bloody game!  It's a man's game oi oi banter!  You've got to take a bit of rough and tumble cor blimey"

Pish.  There's a reason that England, renowned for their 'hard tackling' and 'bulldog approach' to games are absolute shite, and that is because literally every other country has been focusing on developing and celebrating the bits of their game that are relevant and actually entertaining.  You know, things like 'passing', ball control, technique - it's how other teams manage to win games, rather than the Germany B team coasting to a victory in a game they couldn't have given any less of a shit about.

There's no denying that watching one player crunch another one is ace - we can all agree on that - and a last ditch slide tackle is sometimes as pleasing to watch as a goal.  The difference between these things and Brown's is that by allowing players to absolutely and unnecessarily power into challenges on the halfway like he did, there is a very large risk of causing serious injury.

Last ditch lunges, sprinting the length of a pitch to deny a striker a shot on goal - these are the qualities that make it a 'man's game', as wonderfully archaic as that tradition may be.

Argument 4.
It's Charlie Adam, who cares


Argument 5.
Wes Brown is not human, so the same rules should not apply

Because Wes Brown is actually a baked bean, he should have special rules applied just for him.  It is not his fault that his head is filled with deliciousness that goes very well on toast.  Like the savoury version of a jelly baby.

In conclusion, technically it should not have been a red card because the tackle was executed rather well - especially for someone like Wes Brown.  In saying that, if English football ever wants to match the technical standards of the rest of Europe, the entire populace who watches it and cries about him being sent off for flying into a challenge like that need to have a can of whoop ass opened upon them.    Or even better yet, have Wes Brown slide challenge them like that on the street.  It truly may well be the only deterrent to drug crime that the police have left.

I guarantee that if you go to a Spanish sunday league game you will not see giant oafs being applauded for punting the ball 40 yards immediately after sliding 10 yards through an opponent, yet head on down to Hackney Marshes and that's exactly what gets applauded.  And I applaud it too because it's funny and sometimes it's one of my team mates who did it.  But we are not the showcase football league for the entire world.

With Rooney's non-sending off in the colours of Manchester United, it just goes to show that as soon as you take off the referee's Man U top and put on another team's, like Sunderland's, fouls that you commit are awarded as the fouls that they are.  God I hate Manchester United.

The end.

Aguero has scored more than Spurs

Sergio Aguero helped Man City absolutely Pardew Tottenham Hotspurs on Sunday, and in doing so scored his tenth goal of the season, meaning he has now scored more goals than Spurs.

The small-ish Argentinian is now also the most lethal per minute striker in Premier League history, with a 119 minutes per goal ratio making him better than 'that guy', 'someone else' and 'Alan Shearer'.

AVB was very upset with his Spurs side and said they should be ashamed.  Jan Vertonghen agrees:

To be fair, that Jesus Navas goal in the first 13 seconds is absolutely ridiculous - there's not much you can do to stop shots like that. The subsequent destruction however could probably have been avoided, had AVB not spent all of the money under the sun buying a bunch of folk that were good in the last Football Manager game.  You know when the power goes off in your house for like a nano second and the lights go out and youc an't tell whether you've just blinked or not?  That's AVB trying to Force Quit and Reload real life

Thursday, 21 November 2013

Hull City offer refunds

Hull City fans are absolutely furious about the name of their club being changed from Hull City to Hull Tigers, even though that name is totally ace.

The move is designed to make the club more marketable, since every other club is called 'City' or 'United' and absolutely no-one wants to ever have to go to Hull.  The chairman has been under criticism for 'ruining' Hull's club by getting them in to the Premier League and trying to make them enough money to compete, so he said:
"Dr Allam has made this offer in light of the confusion that followed the recent meeting with supporters' groups and the fragmented messages that have emanated since that meeting," it said.
"That meeting closed with one of the representatives requesting the opportunity to develop alternative commercial models and nothing has yet been presented to the club."
Exactly.  Stop fucking moaning about stuff changing unless you have a better option.  Football fans are the sort of folk who would have kept inventing faster horses rather than the car and then moan about there being too many horses on the road once they're forced to buy a car.  And also they moan about Facebook changing.  Do people still use Facebook?

We're off to an awards thing

Hi friends.

Jack and I are off to Manchester today (Thursday) to go to The Football Blogging Awards where we are nominated for Best Comedy and Best Video blog.  We will win neither because statistically we are incredibly outnumbered, but thank all of you who have so valiantly voted for us in the competition.

We may film some of it, but probably won't.  Either way, rest assured that we plan to have beer for all of you who voted.  This should add up to three beers so we will obviously need a paramedic nearby just incase.  This is our combined suitcase:

As I'm sure you'll agree, we need nothing else except luck, and the antidote to whatever those drugs the man down the bottom of the road gave me are.

We'll give you regular Twitter updates from the event so follow us @fitbathatba to see what happens.

Cheers for voting for us

Orlando City Soccer Club is a thing now

David Beckham has officially announced that he wants to start a Miami team but now Orlando City Soccer will be the newest addition to the MLS, bringing a new meaning to the term 'Mickey Mouse Football'.

My favourite Floridian is Kate Upton, but besides her, the MLS is actually quite popular now and people really watch it.  This is almost entirely down to the fact that various sports manufacturers pay millions to TV shows to include soccer as a normal thing people do, so all of the people who watch TV just think that's what you do.  This is the power of TV.  In the same way that up till about 30 years ago all the American TV shows had characters that made fun of how stupid and boring soccer is

Soccer has been the butt of many American sports jokes, branding it slow and something that only girls played.  I think it's nice that a nation where fancy dress touch rugby league and advanced rounders with mullets are the most popular sports has finally come round to loving a game where the best player is a midget Argentinian steroids mutant.  That sounds like exactly the kind of thing I think they'd like!

England are the worst team ever of all time

England lost two entirely pointless friendlies in the last few days and oh my god could you even have guessed how terrible they are now?

Thanks to a goal by half giraffe Per Mertesacker, England have been banned by football from the world cup forever, or at least until the world cup.  The newspapers said:
Oh no we are so terrible.  I'm so glad that we won't win the world cup next year but we need a 10 year plan and James Ward-Prowse is the best thing
As long as you assume that 'we' is England then this is my summary of honestly about 100 published pages of news print from over the weekend and up until today.  It's like all of the journalists went on one of those internet sound board things about England games, fell asleep, and the resulting text from their slavering heads got fast tracked to the back page.

The Guardian, for example, went with 'Mertesacker uses head to bring ragged England to 36 year low'

36 year low?  Yes, losing a friendly 1-0 against one of the best teams in world football is so disappointing yet it was even predicted by bookmaker bwin football.  Being an England fan must be like having a step-dad who resents you and wears cardigans.  You want him to be a real manly man who can do push ups and out run that Spanish dad from down the road but selfishly all he does is provide you with a stable platform to achieve great things.  He's technically your Dad so you have to like him but that won't stop him from molesting you every Wednesday.  And even worse he reads The Guardian.

Tuesday, 19 November 2013

Man United have a midfield CRISIS

Manchester United are regretting not signing anyone good this summer as now they have to play a home wrecking horny 40 year old, someone who poops themselves or Tom Cleverley.  Or Anderson.  *shudder*

Now that Phil Jones is out of the England squad with an achilles injury or something, David Moyes' side is down to almost no midfielders because they forgot to sign any of the players they desperately needed, except for Marouane Fellaini, who will prove useful this winter to clean the chimney so that an obese bearded man can deliver presents to all the children of Old Trafford.  And how come it's OK for Santa to break into someone's house and talk to their children at 4am but when I do it it's all "call the police" this and "protect the kids" that

Monday, 18 November 2013

QPR might be fined all the money for having all the money

Queens Park Rangers are set to be hit with the "biggest fine in history" for losing too much money or something.  I'm not sure really, I got bored after the first sentence

Here is some stuff that I barely understand from the Daily Mail:
If QPR’s losses for the season are £80m, the fine will be about £62m. That would equate to roughly all of QPR’s Premier League income (if they are promoted) for next season. Even if 2013-14 losses are as ‘low’ as £60m, a fine of more than £40m would follow.

‘This is the first season in which clubs will ultimately face sanctions [for over-spending],’ a Football League spokesman told The Mail on Sunday. ‘Clubs have to submit their accounts for 2013-14 to us by December 1, 2014, with sanctions levied early in 2015. If a club being sanctioned are in the Premier League by then, the fine will need to be paid.’
I'm not really sure what these guys expected other than utter catastrophe when they started signing literally everyone any agent would offer them.  I felt sorry for a while but then I realised they are rich and as we all know, rich people can't get sad.

Agent: "Say I have uhhhh Mbia here for.... £100,000 a week?"

QPR: "That sounds like a lot.  Is that a lot?  It's a lot isn't it?"

Agent: "Oh no, he's usually a lot more but for you the price is cheaper because I am your friend.  In fact I'll even throw in Jermaine Jenas for £5million"

QPR: "Oh wow I've seen him on google before!"

Agent: "You're damn right.  So if you could just make that cheque out to my name... yep that's good.... nah just leave the rest blank, I'll fill in the price for you.  Well, see ya later!"

QPR: "Hey... wait a minute.... Jermaine Jenas isn't good!"

*sound of car driving into the distance*

Alex Ferguson never makes mistakes, except the 45 in his book

Alex Ferguson recently released another autobiography because one just wasn't enough. Some really boring bastards noticed lots of mistakes. So many mistakes, that one really angry nerd was offered a refund.

If you want you can watch JJ and I reading Fergusons book below.

I love that the publisher said, "Although a very large number of corrections were made we plainly did not pick up everything". Something about, "a very large number" makes me laugh, a lot. It would seem that our videos were more accurate than we realised. Fergie obviously did what we did and just got drunk and made shit up. Some are mundane such as Ryan Giggs was actually 17 when he made his debut, not 16. Others were hilarious - he said Heinze and Veron had an argument, when actually they never even played in the same United team.

Imagine the ghost writer sitting there in front of the fireplace listening to Fergie -"Aye and then one time Brian McClair had a few too many drams and ended up punching that lad from the TV. Aye you ken the one I mean? Had that fucking wee duck...Ed was his name. Andi Peters! Aye, Andi Peters. I thought it was strange that he was training with us but he was good in goals so I never complained. I eventually kicked him out when I saw him naked with Ed the Duck in the changing room. This is Manchester United, we have standards".

The French like to Surrender

What is wrong with France? Despite having players like Pogba, Scar-face, Benzema and the Melted Lesbian, they still lost 2-0 to Ukraine and probably won't qualify for the World Cup in Brazil. Now the French public have turned against them, and nobody is surprised.

In one French newspaper, 60,000 people replied to a poll asking if France would qualify - 61% said no. In another paper, 20,000 people cast their vote to which 84% said they wouldn't qualify. Basically the French public have given up on their own country...again. One question was "will you continue to support France in spite of everything (everything meaning they are shite)?" and only 16% said yes. It was kind of like in WW2 when they were asked if they would fight the Nazis and be awesome like Britain and they said "do you like the Mona Lisa? Do you want it? What about the Eiffel Tower? Take it as well!". Luckily for them they were eventually saved by Dave Benson-Phillips and Pat Sharp. My school couldn't afford history books. 

It must be hard so support a team of massive cunts like Evra. I want France to qualify because they will either click and be really good, or have a complete meltdown and end up settling their differences with a giant game of naked sumo, before Hugo Lloris steals a hovercraft and runs over Giroud. 

Thursday, 14 November 2013

Mexico is a Disney movie

Mexico battered New Zealand 5-1 in the first leg of their World Cup Qualifying Play-off, and while all of the players were celebrating their mighty victory, some guy took the 'reformed Disney villain who realises that his evil ways were wrong all along" role.

Hugo Sanchez, who could either be a Mexican drug lord or someone who used to coach them depending on how racist you feel, said this about the game:
"We beat a team that is no more than a group of buddies who were rejected because they couldn't play rugby in New Zealand well and they had no choice but to switch to soccer."
I equate this to when that Albino Hitler Youth Wizard decided that his Dad was a real jerk and so he gave Harry Potter a hand job on the Hogwart's Express.  I haven't actually read the last book but I'm fairly confident that's how it ends

Roberto Di Matteo is getting PAID

Roberto Di Matteo may have been fired for being utterly shite several years or months ago or whatever, but that hasn't stopped him from being paid £130,000 every week by Chelsea!

The Italian managed to win the FA Cup and Champions League at Chelsea, until someone went into the game settings and changed the difficulty from amateur to legendary and ruined it for him, but hasn't taken on any work since his dismissal in the pre-Benitez world, which is one of the hidden worlds on Mario 3.  The Daily Mail said:
"The Italian was unable to reach a settlement with owner Roman Abramovich on his three-year deal when he was fired six months after winning the Champions League as interim boss.
"Di Matteo has already banked almost £7million and will continue to pick up the king-sized salary until June 2014, meaning he is reluctant to take on another job for less money."
Reluctant?  I bet the minute he got fired he couldn't believe his luck.  "So you're going to keep paying me my contract for me to not do anything?  Like anything at all?  Ohhhh woe is me I am so sad"

"Hello, the internet?  Can you book me flights to anywhere nice please?"

Tuesday, 12 November 2013

Luis Suarez ruined his own transfer

Luis Suarez felt very sneaky when his agent accidentally let slip that there was a 'over £40million' release clause in his contract at Liverpool, until someone showed him that he had actually removed the clause himself in earlier negotiations.

The Daily Mirror says:
The get-out figure had been included in the five-and-a-half year agreement Suarez signed when he arrived from Ajax in January 2011 for £23m.
Reds bigwigs had been happy to leave it in Suarez’s contract when the two parties sat down to restructure his deal in the summer of 2012, but [his agent] decided against it.
Bravo.  I did think it was actually very funny offering £1 more than the asking prize to trigger that release clause but this makes it a little bit more silly.  It actually makes my little Arsenal sketch seem fairly accurate if you consider that there was no way that bid would ever work

Suarez may be world class but he's still a racist who bites people.  I just don't think you should be spending such large amounts of money on someone who does things like that.  Unless it's family, and the bail is about £600 or something.  Hint hint.

I wish my family read this.

no wait, I don't.

Lionel Messi is broken

Little Leo Messi is broken yet again but this time with a delicious new torn hamstring.  Mmm mmmm that's good ham   string

The injury means Messi will almost certainly miss the rest of 2013 and leaves Barcelona relying on only all of their other players to beat the one other team in their league.  Though I guess Athletico are doing quite well.  The news comes at a time as the Ballon D'Or nominees are floating around and means that surely Cristiano Ronaldo will finally be crowned 'best player in the world'.  Because if he doesn't win I honestly think he's going to go Anakin Skywalker on the nearest village to where he lives

BT Sport own football

BT Sport have won the rights to ALL of the Champions League and Europa League matches from 2015.  It was quite expensive and now Gary Neville is all sad

The new sports broadcasting company paid just about £1billion for the rights in total, more than doubling what ITV and Sky paid last time.  From Financial Fair Play:
To put this new deal in perspective, in 2011/12, UEFA received £906m in total for the TV rights for the Champions League (£735m) and Europa League (£171m). Of this, £144m (16%) came from England (£133m for CL and £11m for EL). Under the new deal, BT will pay UEFA £299m each year for both competitions.
To put this further into context, this is like trying to buy your child a Buzz Lightyear toy for Christmas on eBay and you bid just over what it's really worth because you know eBay!  But then in the last 5 minutes you're half way through an online game of FIFA and  you can't quit because then you'll lose points and it's hard but then you see some asshole bid £1billion on the toy.  You search around your room for a bit but you definitely don't have that lying around, and then your opponent on FIFA scores from a corner.

Actually scratch that, to put this better into context, this is like BT Sport scoring a goal from a corner on FIFA when Sky were dominating the match the whole time.  You have no-one to blame except yourself.  But you're still definitely going to blame the game and bite the controller I mean not do that.

FIFA are money hungry jerks

Tickets for the World Cup in 2014 are very expensive and that's why FIFA have decided that it should cost you £25 to pick them up even though you've already bought them.

The FIFA website says:
After months of comprehensive market research, FIFA is pleased to announce details of the ticket delivery conditions for the 2014 FIFA World Cup

But what they mean is:
After 20 minutes of sitting down in the same room, FIFA bosses decided that rather than make no money for delivering tickets people had paid for, they would rather make lots of money
And so if you have bought tickets now you get the privilege of buying them again.  This is like having to pay a charge at an ATM except instead of just looking for another one that isn't in some ropey corner shop, you're in the middle of Brazil, and you really want to go to the world cup.  The last time a fat man put so much effort into stopping me complete something was the last boss in Sonic 2.

Monday, 11 November 2013

Phil Jones: Everyone hates us, we don't care

Phil Jones claims that Manchester United are inspired by everyone's hatred of them, which is a lot of inspiration. 

Not just an impressive gurner, Jones also put in a great display of running into people and kicking a football. After the game he has said all the right things, "we are back in the mix", "dug deep" and countless other football cliches. However it wasn't the power of David Moyes and his murderous eyes, that turned things around, oh no. It was the rival fans' hatred of Manchester United that propelled them to victory. If I understand Phil Jones and his confusing face like I think I do, people throw their hatred at Manchester United and the players capture this and turn it into relish, which they eat for winning energy. I may have misinterpreted his interview. 

Not even the handsome Aaron Ramsey could get Arsenal back into the game. Perhaps he needs to watch our video about him? Critics called it, "Inspirational", "awe-inspiring" and "the best thing since Mighty Ducks 2". Arsene Wenger said,  "can I eat this?" - I think he was expecting us to give him a sandwich. 

If you want to vote for us to win a football blog award for our near constant stream of fantastical pish - please go here and vote your tits off - VOTE FOR US PLEASE

Italian Football is normal: "Derby of Shame"

Football derbies are famous for fans acting like twats, however a game in Italy's third tier may have set a whole new standard in fan twattage. 

A Lega Pro match between Nocerina and Salernitana was abandoned after 21 minutes as Nocerina only had six players left on the pitch. Nocerina fans were banned from the stadium for being a bunch of mentals. Apparently a group of fans travelled to the game anyway, just to politely tell their own team's players not to play. They did this by politely invading the team bus and politely telling their players they would kill them if they played. "Listen up chaps, if you go forth and proceed with this folly, we may be forced to put a cap in one's ass" - or however you say that in Italian.

Nocerina made all three of their subs in the first few minutes, for tactical reasons of course. Sadly a few of their players picked up injuries and had to come off, leaving the team with only six players after only 21 minutes. You see the players didn't have time to warm up because the game was delayed because of a huge queue at the McDonald's drive-through and this was nothing to do with the rumoured death threats. 

The entire board of Nocerina directors have now resigned and the players have been ordered not to speak to the media. An investigation has now been launched into the media tagged "Derby of Shame", but I think they are wasting their time. They should focus more on the real problems in Italian football, like racism and El Shaarawy's hair.

Martin O'Neill Hates Paolo Di Canio

At one point Martin O'Neill was talked about as a potential successor to Alex Ferguson. Then he shat the bed at Sunderland and everything went tits up in O'Neill land. Sunderland thought replacing with him a psychotic facist was the best course of action, but it turns out fascism always fails and O'Neill really hates Paolo Di Canio.

Now manager of Ireland and with Roy Keane has his hired goon, O'Neill felt safe enough to lay into Di Canio knowing that Roy has his back and will stab anyone that tries to fuck with him. When asked about Di Canio, MON called him a "charlatan" and said lots of other clearly bitter things such as, "I think I would have garnered the five points necessary to have stayed up" - (which is probably true) and when asked about the players infamous Di Canio tomato ketchup ban, “I’m hoping at some stage or another that John O’Shea asks me at the dinner table to pass him the tomato sauce. I will empty it on his plate, along with the chips." - which sounds remarkably David Brent-esque. When asked about his thoughts on Phil Bardsley he said, "he's thrown a pair of shoes over a pub, what has Di Canio ever done?"

It's always a dangerous game to write about MON, apparently he really likes to sue people. Another interesting fact is that if Martin O'Neill was the same size as an average human, he would be able to jump over 20ft in the air. I might be confusing Martin O'Neill with a flea.

Friday, 8 November 2013

It's not gay if it's with Aaron Ramsey

Here's a garage rock song I made about Aaron Ramsey today.  Click on the picture to be transported to the land of youtube


Wednesday, 6 November 2013

Ireland get a new manager

Ireland have decided to employ Martin O'Neill and his evil assistant Roy Keane as their new management team and isn't that just lovely

The announcement was confirmed today after literally I don't care how much speculation.  I really couldn't give two shits about Ireland.  Luckily for ITV, O'Neill had a joke ready to explain why he chose Roy as his assistant:
"I think I'm the bad cop and he's the bad, bad cop,"
Hmm.  When you think about it though, it really is the perfect duo.  One is lovely and warm and probably eats werthers originals all day long and the other you can just about imagine breaking through the glass display windows at Debenhams in order to punch the mannequins to death because they looked at him in a gay way.

Tuesday, 5 November 2013

Win stuff


UPDATE: I've changed the entry rules ever so slightly.  Don't comment to enter, send an email instead.

A very nice company has decided to offer three lucky FitbaThatba readers the chance to win a DVD thing called 'Soccer Saturday; Cheers Jeers and Tears' but only if you solve their impossible riddle!

The DVD, released on the 11th of November, includes the cast of Sky Sports who do all that football nonsense on Saturdays and includes all the "funny" bits you've seen.  Yes, it has the bit where Chris Kamara doesn't know what's happening.  No, it does not have the bit where Del Boy falls through the bar.

According to the blurb I got:

Revel in 20 years of the show's funniest football banter PLUS footage produced exclusively for this DVD. All of the golden moments have been painstakingly brought together and are presented by the legend himself - Jeff Stelling. 
Join in all the fun with Jeff, Kammy and the rest of the team. The ultimate gift for any self-respecting football fan AND the ultimate stocking filler. 
Soccer Saturday; Cheers, Jeers and Tears is on DVD 11th November - pre-order it here

To win a copy, send an email to with the answer to this question: which Sky Sports presenter hosts Soccer Saturday; Cheers, Jeers and Tears?
a) Jeff Stelling
b) Jeff Skelington
c) Jack Skellinton
d) Burt Reynolds

Clue: The answer is in that quote bit

You will genuinely win a free DVD btw, so I would totally do this.  If you don't like it you can give it away at Christmas and whoever you give it to will think you've spent about £15 so that's good.

COMPE      TIT    ION!!!!!!


Sven-Goran Eriksson is weird

Sven-Goran Eriksson hasn't been paid millions of £££ for 8 months of work for a while now and is worried that people have forgotten who he is.  That's why he's been phoning up his old journalist pals to tell them that he invented the twix and that the Man United job should have been his.

The Swedish sex master told reporters that way back in 2002 when Alex Ferguson was pretending to retire, he had signed a contract to take over as the next boss and that his agent totally has it sitting in his office.  This may very well be true because during that time period he was actually a very successful and highly respected coach... which seems odd now.

The problem is that managing England and not winning the World Cup by beating everyone 8-0 is tantamount to utter failure;  the kind of failure like if you throw a ball back to some kids and it just falls right in front of you, 5 yards away.   Or if you're talking to a car mechanic and he says a word about something that is broken and you go 'oh yes that could be the problem' and he's actually just making it up.  Or even, worst of all, not being able to jizz because you are too drunk and can't feel anything.  Although that last one isn't that bad because at least you got the job in the first place.  I mean the girl.

Writing in his autobiography Sven: My Story, which is being serialised in the Mail on Sunday, Eriksson disclosed: “I knew it would be tricky. I had a contract with England until the 2006 World Cup and I would be severely criticised if I broke that contract. But this was an opportunity to manage Manchester United.
A contract was signed — I was United’s new manager.”
Eriksson revealed that the agent Pini Zahavi still has in his office the contract stating Eriksson would be United’s new manager.
The BBC even has Sven on their front page today and I just don't know where this guy has come from all of a sudden.  I'd totally forgotten about his horrible creepy face.  He looks like if you covered an egg in pritt-stick and rolled it underneath the sofa

Joe Kinnear is a gift

Joe Kinnear is really good at being a director of football which is why he tried to sign one of his own players during a scouting trip to Birmingham.  Hoorah!

Shane Ferguson was just minding his own business while on loan from Newcastle when Uncle Joe came to town to see if his legendary scouting skills could be put to good use.  Spotting a rare and unpolished gem amongst the 21 other players on the pitch, Kinnear decided that he had to strike while the iron was hot or miss out on the next Lionel Messi.  The Sunday People said:
“Ferguson had a particularly good game that night and Joe Kinnear told one of our officials he was interested in signing him.
“At first our guy thought he was joking but then he realised Kinnear did not know Ferguson was already a Newcastle player.”
Wow.  He just keeps giving out prizes.  He's like that vending machine in my last work were one day it just decided to pour out 4 bags of Quavers for no reason - they weren't even stuck.  That was a good day.  Except for later when the wolves dragged my family in the woods

Monday, 4 November 2013

Jonjo Shelvey is evil

The evil Jonjo Shelvey did a swimming motion during the incredibly boring Wales derby that happened yesterday.  People from Cardiff cannot swim so they are very angry.

The Daily Mail explains what the swimming thing is:
It’s a reference to September 1988, when Cardiff beat Swansea 2-0 at the Vetch Field (Swansea's old ground) in a League Cup game. Legend has it a group of 30 Cardiff fans were chased into the sea by unhappy natives and the only way for them to escape was to 'swim away'.
Legend has it?  Really?  Legend like Hercules?  Legend like I Am Legend?  John Legend?   I don't think so.  Jonjo might have found himself in hot water though because according to about two newspapers he could have incited a riot and that is something that most people want to avoid.  Except for the Kaiser Chiefs because then they could say 'I predicted that' and there would be more than 0 reasons to have all of them euthanised for crimes against humanity

Hugo Lloris is in the DANGER ZONE

Handsome manager Andre Villas Boas showed his true colours this weekend by not substituting Hugo Lloris even though his HEAD CAME OFF!

Lloris was involved in a clash with swamp monster Romelu Lukaku, who hit him on the head with his knee so hard that he injured his knee.  Knees are much less important than skulls, according to science:
brain injury charity Headway said the club showed an "irresponsible and cavalier attitude" to Lloris's health
That maverick... he just wants results dammit.  Dazed and confused, Lloris woke up from his unconscious state and played the rest of the 0-0 game with Everton, defying brain fans who wanted him to lie down and not die.  What they're forgetting is that AVB is no scientist, he's a maverick.  Something about the danger zone.  Naked volleyball with dudes.  Why are they naked?  I don't know.

Friday, 1 November 2013

Sepp Blatter impersonates Ronaldo - The Dance Remix

Here's another new video for you.  All you have to do is click on this lovely picture.  HAPPY FRIDAY