Thursday, 10 October 2013

The World Cup is near: qualifying preview

Because it's international week that means that we can all remember the world cup is coming soon and our summers will be amazing.  I would like to go to Brazil so if you fancy buying about 100 tshirts from us then we can afford to buy world cup 2014 tickets.  Actually no we can't.  I HATE YOU MATHS

Friday sees the return of international qualifiers and since there is more chance of me being named king of japan than there is of Scotland being anywhere an international tournament ever again, lets look at some of the groups from and see who is doing what.

As we can see, Belgium have already pretty much won the group of A by beating everyone and not losing.  Gary Speed very selfishly accidentally killed himself early on in the campaign and this is why Wales are not higher up thanks to the power of GBale.  Craig Levein tried to do the same thing but fell asleep while talking to himself in the mirror before he could do it.

Croatia are actually playing Belgium on Friday and that's a real "six pointer" but I will be supporting Belgium because they don't tend to join in on wars and Lukaku is from there and I would like to be his friend one day.

Italy have succesfully navigated their way to the top of the league by giving Mario Balotelli all of the penalties, and not by employing the navigator to get them there.  I can't remember what happens in that movie but I'm fairly sure that the plot is basically that a futuristic pedophile kidnaps a small boy and his family try to win him back.

Group C features everyone's favourite German team, Germany, who are full of players from Poland.  If those same players had decided to play for Poland instead, Poland might actually be able to win something so fuck you, glory hunters.

That said, I Am Zlatan will be hoping that he can beat Austria on his own, and Germany will believe that they can beat Ireland by stealing all of their potatoes or simply by turning up

Ahhh yes Group D, the group of Netherlands.  I am glad to see Hungary almost restored their Puskas days of glory but sadly RVP and co are still just too good.  You may have noticed that Andorra have conceded 24 goals and have scored none, making you wonder why they even try at all.  You may also have noticed that this is the exact same record as David Moyes has at Man United lol

How fucking delighted do you think Switzerland were when they got this group?  I bet they turned up to get pissed on the free wine and then stood pouring it on to the ground as their glass over filled at the very sight of their opponents.  "Does Eidur Gudjonsen still play?" asks one, "no idea mate" and then they worked very hard.  Not even Norway have put up a fight, which is surprising because I think John Arne Riise still plays, plus they have Tore Andre Flo and also in ISS64 I think those two teams would have been fairly equal.  AGE

Everyone's favourite communist billionaires are leading group F with a "very difficult" game against Luxembourg coming up.  Cristiano Ronaldo has to deal with Israel and since he loves Palestine so much this could be a tasty affair because I understand so much about Palestine.  I'd tell you more but I just don't think you guys would like get it

Greece are my third team behind Scotland, and the place that my parents are from, for various reasons and this is why their game against Slovakia is very important.  Bosnia have to play Liechtenstein, which is utterly pointless, seeing as clearly they are fucking useless.  There isn't even an airport in Liechtenstein because it's so tiny and shit and confused about who it is.  Like my bisexual midget cousin.

Cor blimey gov, it's only bloody England leading the group.  Roy Hodgson's boys take on Montenegro who have that guy Jovetic amongst many others who I don't know.  You can click here for England tickets if you want to presume that they'll actually get through, but let me remind you oh kind Scots, that it will be far funnier to watch them lose on penalties against a team you only know the names of four players, like Chile, than it will be to have the press completely ignore the world cup because "it isn't important".

Andriy Shevchenko

The best international team ever (c) still hasn't won their group but I think that might be because they've only played 6 games.  I'm not sure if this is simply because they haven't been scheduled yet or because to make it fair on the other teams they give Spain less games to earn enough points, but they should probably do that last one.  Also, didn't Spain win the last world cup?  Why do they have to qualify?  That's like asking me to register for the world's most handsome man contest.  Uhhhhh I think you'll find my Mum already did it for me, idiot