Thursday, 17 October 2013

Roy Hodgson and the space monkey

They finally did it.  The Sun broke journalism.  Forever.  Loveable old Roy Hodgson told a joke about a monkey astronaut at halftime against Poland.  A RACIST JOKE OH MY GOD NOO WHYYYYYYYYYY

Yes dear human, sit down, because levels of racism this high haven't been seen in years.  Well..... cue racism chart:

But don't take the fitbathatba racism chart's word for it!  The Sun went with this on their FRONT PAGE:
Which sounds like a great episode of a sitcom.  'What did Roy say' I hear you ask?  let's find out.

It was half time, England were leading 1-0 in their crucial qualifying game.  "How can I make sure we see out the rest of the game?" thought Roy, "I just need to keep them calm - I know!  A joke. A joke is what we need".  He turned to the anxious players, exhausted from the 45 minutes of football they'd put their collective hearts into.

"We're almost there lads.  We're almost in Brazil, just keep it together and pass to Townsend"

"Which one's Townsend, boss?" said Daniel Sturridge between deep breaths.  "He's that one over there, you know, the only good one".  "What, because he's black?!" said Phil Jagielka.  "Oh God no!  I just meant he's good"

"Yeh sure thing boss" said Chris Smalling, rolling his eyes and nudging Wayne Rooney in the side.

"No no I never meant that!  It's like.... ummm... have you heard about the space monkey?"

The players' blank expressions let Roy know what to do.  He stood up on a box in the middle of the changing room and prepared to make everyone laugh like they'd never laughed before.

“NASA decided they’d finally send a man up in a capsule after sending only monkeys in the earlier missions,” the joke goes.
“They fire the man and the monkey into space.
“The intercom crackles, 'Monkey, fire the retros.'
“A little later, 'Monkey, check the solid fuel supply.'
“Later still, “Monkey, check the life support systems for the man.'
“The astronaut takes umbrage and radioes NASA, 'When do I get to do something?'
“NASA replies, 'In 15 minutes - feed the monkey.'”

In stunned silence, Roy realised what he had done.  "Oh god no I didn't mean because you look like a monkey!  It's not that!".  But it was too late.  Frantically, he raced through his head for another joke to get out of jail.  "Ummmm ok well do you know why Beyonce always sings to the left to the left?  Because black people don't have righ... no wait.... I mean uhhhhhh OH GOD WHY AM I SO RACIST"

Yeh so that was it.  That's literally what he said.  Well, the bit in bold is, the rest I might have made up and someone in the changing room has gone out and leaked it to a paper, who in a desperate bid to make a story out of anything, made it their front page.  Ollie Holt at the Mirror "broke" the story and what a load of absolute bollocks.  All of the journalists and the player that found that racist should be euthanised.  And Roy Hodgson should be incarcerated in space jail for his awful crimes.

I can only assume whoever it was that went and told on Roy was too stupid to understand the point of the story, like that time all of the christians read that book thing