Thursday, 31 October 2013

We got nominated for an award (s) (two awards)

FUCK YEH WE DID!  Thanks to all of you who nominated us, The Football Blogging Awards have somehow had enough votes to put us in two categories at this year's event.  WAT


Here's a video of when we won last year (just found it) but didn't go because first of all we were sure we wouldn't win, and secondly because we didn't know if it was a real event.  It turns out that it really is, and is held in the National Football Museum.  Also it's sponsored by heaps of actual companies and Copa90 film it.  So..... we kinda missed the boat on that one.

This year we want to get really really really really drunk and win again, so when you're bored at lunchtime, or right now, or even doing your shit office job, please vote for us in the Best Comedy Blog category and/or the Best Video Blog category.

Only do this if you believe we truly are the best though of course.  Otherwise your soul will be tarnished.

One small problem is that this is determined by public vote, so if we lose it is because people like KSI (he's nominated too) and the FIFA Playa have substantially more Twitter and YouTube subscribers than us.  It could also be because our crappy blog sucks but whatever, we love doing it anyway.

So please VOTE FOR US HERE.  It's a bit confusing but you've been coming here for three years now you ungrateful jerks.

Here's the full video we sent it for when we won last year as well.  It's harder this year so you still have to vote if you want to see us be idiots at an official ceremony.

Genuine thank yous from JJ and Jack, we really appreciate you getting us nominated.

love from JJ and Jack xxxxxx

Wednesday, 30 October 2013

It's Halloween tomorrow

It's International Fancy Dress Day (Halloween) tomorrow so here is the spooky special that Jack and I filmed last year for the short lived series 'The Fitba Team'


Diego Costa sucks

Diego Costa, who was born, raised, went to school in and played international football for Brazil, has signed a legal document saying that he wants to play for Spain now.  Hooray!

The Athletico Madrid forward has elected to play for his country of residence, having felt extremely patriotic for the last almost 6 years and because he wasn't getting a game for Brazil I mean because he's so patriotic.

Now I don't think you should have to be born somewhere to be from there, and you can feel a certain nationality having been brought up there for any length of time, but yours and your parents/grandparents national lineage is probably slightly important if we don't want international football to become like when you change all the best players' nationalities on iss 98 so they can play for Scotland.  But if you've already played international football for Brazil I don't think you should be allowed to change your mind because you feel more Spanish all of a sudden.

On second thoughts, if the Barcelona first team would like to pledge allegiance to Scotland before the next Euro qualifying campaign then I may rethink my opinion on this

Nigeria is fun


If you study this league table from the Nigerian league you will discover that there is a rather large discrepancy between home and away victories, in that the away form for every single club is more or less 0 wins.  Now this could be because those teams just aren't set up appropriately for away fixtures, but it could also be because clubs have to deal with (The Guardian):
violent crowds, questionable refereeing and, indeed, travel itself. Arriving just before kick-off after long road trips, often on hazardous surfaces, is far from ideal preparation for players. And they do not always arrive. Last season two matches were postponed when first Sunshine Stars and then Wikki Tourists were robbed on their way to games
Even still, this is essentially what travelling fans have to deal with when we go to Dundee.  There must be other reasons:
Referees must contend with fans too – for the men in the middle being beaten up is not so much a risk of the job as an inevitability
And that just sounds like lower league Sunday football.  I can't believe that Nigerian football would be corrupt either because even the amateur teams are so good they don't need to cheat.  Why, only last year, Plateau United Feeders' and Police Machine were unfairly suspended for winning 79-0 and 67-0 respectively to qualify for a professional league but I think the most important thing to remember here is that Police Machine is the greatest name for a football team I have ever heard

Frimpong is shit because of racism

Emmanuel Frimpong hasn't been in the news for a while so he decided to tweet that the reason he wasn't getting in the Arsenal team is because everyone is racist.

The Arsenal midfielder took to his twitter battle horse and wrote:
“LOL I wanna laugh.  Sometimes I wish I was white and English.”
Because, as we all know, Arsenal is a hugely and notoriously whites only club, Frimpong's fears were  heard loud and clear by the powers that be.  Ex and current players like Thierry Henry, Alex Song, Patrick Vieira, Bacary Sagna, Lauren and Emmanuel Eboue have all agreed with the reserve team player that had they all been white and English, they would have actually gotten a game under Arsene Wenger.  As it is, they all faded away into anonymity, never to be seen again.

It's actually quite sad in a way that Frimpong just can't accept that he is truly shit football.  He later tweeted:
“not every tweet is football related. Goosh [sic]” and later, “Look what ever [sic] you read tomorrow has majorly been twisted. Is a joke what people will do to start controversy goodnight people.”
Stupid footballers make me angry.  Don't you understand what twitter is?  You're on it like 8 hours a day you cock.  It wasn't like you phoned up a radio station and then they misquoted you - you sat on your laptop and tried to be all passive aggressive forgetting that 800,000 people can read what you're doing.  And worst of all?  I bet he lied about LOLing.  I'm fairly sure that in Saudi Arabia that's a crime punishable by death.

Newcastle hate freedom

Newcastle United have made a bold step to remove the right to free speech from our lives by banning all of the newspapers that wrote nasty things about them.

The Evening Chronicle, The Sunday Sun and The Journal have all been banned from St James Park for printing 'excessive' coverage of the anti-Mike Ashley demonstration last weekend.  The Daily Mail wrote:
'During Pardew's post-match press conference, journalists from two of Newcastle’s respected local newspapers were told they couldn’t ask questions.  
'Newcastle owner Mike Ashley has by all accounts taken exception to coverage of a recent protest march and has decided to withdraw ‘privileges’. 
'Such a policy is as unwise as it is childish and it certainly won’t help his club establish the upwards trajectory they so badly need.'
When they say 'excessive coverage' they of course mean 'coverage' and Newcastle don't seem to have taken into account just how much of a struggle it is for a local newspaper to actually have any relevant news that doesn't involve someone's cat winning a fashion show or another old person dying.  I hope they go all the way and turn Newcastle into a communist state like North Korea where the press print propaganda, all the inhabitants are deluded, and it is a commonly held believe that their great ruler will lead them to glory.  wait a minute

Monday, 28 October 2013

Cheik Tiote faces Tony Hawk in court

Nobody is above the law, except footballers. Sometimes a footballer can be caught on CCTV committing a crime, witnessed by dozens of people and still they don't go to jail. When Cheik Tiote appeared in court, not even Tony Hawk could send him down..

By footballing standards, Tiote's crime was pretty weak - all he did was buy a fake driving license and try to swap it for a real one, what a pussy - he didn't even run anyone over. After successfully purchasing a fake Belgian driving license, Cheik sent it to the DVLA in Swansea to swap it for a UK one. Tony Hawk admitted that it was indeed a good forgery, but not good enough to trick a pro skateboarder.

Suspending imprisonment for 18 months, the judge took it easy on him for pleading guilty-  sentencing him to 180 hours of unpaid work. He was encouraged by the judge to assist others in the community and pass on his talent. I'm not sure the judge thought this through, his talent mainly consists of running around and kicking people, whilst fashioning a shit haircut.

It's not quite over yet, as he also plead not guilty to driving without insurance. That will be dealt with later. I'm not as good a lawyer as Tony Hawk and I cannot do a 900, but how could someone with a fake driving license have insurance? He also received a fine of £600 and six points for his fake license. He then jumped into his fake Ferrari and drove off into a fake sunset. Maybe this whole story is fake? I mean, I did take it from the Daily Mails website and they love making things up. Except racism, they really like racism.

Friday, 25 October 2013

#AskHarry may have been a mistake

QPR did one of those Twitter things where you can talk to a celebrity manager or footballer and THEY REALLY GET TO READ WHAT YOU HAVE TO SAY OH MY GOD YOU'RE SO IMPORTANT NOW YAAAAAAAAAAAY.  And then

They used the hashtag #AskHarry which meant that anyone on Twitter could join in and the questions weren't screened.  This proved unwise.  Here are some of my favourites:

Other notable inclusions are:

Is the reason you face looks like a saggy ball sack because you keep cash stored in there #AskHarry

And my personal favourite of favourites:
Woody ‏@yidingtons 5m 
#AskHarry If I draw a face on my bollocks & hang them out the car window, will security let me use your parking spot
So it may not have been the wisest PR move by the club to do this and I don't even know if Harry actually bothered replying.  What I do know is that it was very funny and sometimes laughter is all you need.  Unless you're having an seizure in which case 'medicine' is what you need.  'medicine'.

Frank Lampard wants to play with women

Frank Lampard has been in the news recently by leaking space monkey jokes from the England dressi.... I mean for playing football really well.  Now he thinks women will soon also be as good as the men

The midfielder was appearing on Loose Women - I don't know why either - and they asked him if girls could play with boys:
"I see no reason why not, how the game has developed in women's football in the last five to 10 years has been amazing.
"We were [previously] dinosaurs in the dressing room, it was a man's game, but now we appreciate the skill in women's football."
Yeh and their tits!  PHWOAAARRRR!!! No but really, women are shit at football.  For all the brilliance of this

There is still this

I remember playing football when I was about 10 and my best friends' sisters was better than all of us.  It didn't seem very fair at the time but I've been told I'm better at giving blowjobs so who wins now?!  Wait

Ronaldo loves looking at boys in their pants

Cristiano Ronaldo has been busy winning games on his own for Real Madrid but don't let that make you think he doesn't like looking at pictures of boys in their pants.

Yes the 2nd best player in the world ever has been taking time out of his busy schedule to host competitions.

I bet it has.  A few keen Fitba readers pointed it out to us as well, so thanks for that, but it's made me angry.  I like how when Ronaldo says this people just laugh it off and assume it's a language thing but when my Uncle does it I don't get to see him unsupervised for 14 years.  He was going to take me camping, damn it!!!

Tuesday, 22 October 2013

The erotic tales of Alex Ferguson's Book: Part 2 (VIDEO)

Here is part 2 of the erotic tales we found in Alex Ferguson's book.  This part includes chapters about Roy Keane, David Beckham and Willie Miller during Fergie's time at Aberdeen.

Some of the stories may seem a little far fetched.  Share it on facebook and twitter and stuff if you like it.  We need your assistance in spreading the word

peace out

Steve Kean is back

The world's greatest manager is back ladies and gentleman. Where you ask? Real Madrid? Inter? Brunei? Yes, Brunei.

While everyone else is focusing on Alex Ferguson's book, Steve has been out there getting his hands dirty. Growing potatoes and harvesting crops. Some other managers may consider themselves "above" the Singapore S-League but not our Steve. Brunei DPMM are currently 7th in their league, out of 12 clubs and the league finishes in November - so it's the perfect time for Keano to step in and work his magic.

Back in July Kean said:
"I have no preference really. I'm just to open any good offers."
Some would say that's desperation, others would call that...desperation. Kean calls that being open-minded. Somebody somewhere in Singapore said - "we want to change our style of play". I'm not sure if they know who Steve Kean is, maybe he told them he was Robbie Keane and he was up for the role of Player/Manager? Maybe he told them he was the band Keane and he's wants a fresh new sound for their new album, after getting bored of cocaine and rehab.

What they are getting is Steve Kean, a man who is so awful at life, he was sued by Sam Allardyce.

Erotic Tales From Alex Ferguson's New Book: Part 1

Here is a video of Jack and I reading secret deleted stories from Alex Ferguson's new book.  The content is such that Facebook won't let me advertise it on there and they fucking love money so go figure that one out

Here's the link

I can't find it on the website blogger template thing and I don't understand any of the stuff google has done with accounts and things.  I'll try and upload a proper one later

Friday, 18 October 2013

Tahiti FA award 1 point for loss to "avoid sadness"

The Tahitian FA has decided that no longer should their population be miserable when a team suffers a loss by awarding a point for trying.  Really.

Here's the article.  I can completely understand why people in Tahiti would be so miserable.  Not only do they have to live in a tropical paradise but when they aren't drinking pineapple juice from a real life pineapple and having hot girls in bikinis wander around the island singing songs from the Jungle Book acapella, they sometimes lose games of football.  "NO MORE PAIN!" screamed the king of the island who I think lives in a tree house and now when a team loses they get a point.

It's finally happened: people get an award for just turning up to do something.  What is wrong with people?  You fucking lost, deal with it.  I'm from Aberdeen, which is in Scotland - not only do I not only think both my teams will lose most games they play, I actively expect it and I also live in a place where the chromatic scale goes from brown to grey and slightly lighter grey.

When Scotland do inevitably lose I just turn to beer because that's why they invented beer.  Someone needs to bring beer to Tahiti so they can know what true misery is, they don't know what they're missing out on.

Faustino Asprilla does porn now

Ex-Newcastle striker Faustino Asprilla has been busy in recent years.  Not only has he appeared naked on the cover of a Colombian magazine, he's also fired a machine gun at a security officer.  Now he's been offered a porn contract

The Colombian was offered this letter by an adult film company in his native land:

'Dear Faustino Asprilla,' 'For years [we] have followed your successful career, which has made you a national icon invaluable in Colombia.'We are convinced that the lifestyle you lead and the media controversy it causes is vital so we dared to make the following proposal.
'As you know, [Santa Latina] is an adult entertainment site, and that’s why we offer you 20 million pesos for a week as a porn actor.'This is a unique offering, which awaits your prompt response. We are convinced that with a little training you could exploit another talent all of Colombia knows you have.'
I have no idea if he plans on taking up the offer, but he might as well.  I've heard that after he jizzes on their face he runs off, does a cartwheel and then fist pumps the air.  That's the kind of porn I want to see.

If you want to see what Faustino Asprilla's penis looks like, why not Google image search 'Faustino Asprilla'. There, you'll be able to find a picture of him with his knob out.  I know you've always wanted to see that and here's your chance.  What are you waiting for?!  If your boss walks past and sees, just explain what you're doing.  Everyone knows who Asprilla is.

Paul Ince is a real jerk

Paul Ince has been banned from every stadium in the world for five games for being Paul Ince.  Also for threatening to break several officials' legs and stuff like that.

The Daily Mirror reports that:
Paul Ince received a five-match stadium ban after shouting 'I'll knock you f*****g out you c***' and "violently shoving" a fourth official during a match last month.
Well done, Paul.  I am so proud of you.  Not only did he do this, but he first got in trouble after throwing a water bottle into the crowd that hit a female spectator.  I can only assume this was by accident and he didn't just have a mental breakdown but I think the most likely explanation is that someone used his trigger word and in a lair on top of a mountain a hypnotherapist currently sits tapping a table and saying "Gooooooood.  Goooodddd".

Ince was only made more angry at the final whistle when the fourth official told him "that's it, yeeeessss, unleash your anger" and they had a light saber battle until everyone in the village was dead and Paul Ince was banned from every stadium in the world because he is too dangerous.  Like a holding midfield version of the hulk.  Or my penis.

Thursday, 17 October 2013

Kolo Toure students block traffic

Some wacky students in Newcastle really pissed off a bunch of motorists this morning by singing about Yaya Toure and his brother for no reason other than because.

I'm in two minds as to what to think with this video.  On one hand I think it's really funny and I would like to have been involved, on the other it reminds me how glad I am not to be a student anymore and how much I hate them.  I was in a pub last night and it was full of the cunts playing pub golf and I was thinking my god i would like to have sex with all of them.  the girls I mean.

Harry Wilson makes his granddad rich

When Harry Wilson was just 18 months old his grandpa was so sure that he'd play for Wales that he bet £50 on it and NOW HE IS A MILLIONAIRE HA HA AH AHA HA WH  H  HAA H  he won £125,000

Young Harry won his Granddad the money after playing four minutes in Wales' 1-1 draw with Belgium this week.  The bet, made about 14 years ago, was done by asking the head office of a  William Hill for odds on the striker playing for his country at some point. 2500-1 is what he got quoted and so rather wisely he invested £50 of human money, and then by a process of bullying and constantly pressurising the child into playing football every single minute of every day for 14 years, he eventually won his cash.  It's a heartwarming tale, like a footballing version of Josef Fritzl... ON ICE! coming to a theatre near you

Roy Hodgson and the space monkey

They finally did it.  The Sun broke journalism.  Forever.  Loveable old Roy Hodgson told a joke about a monkey astronaut at halftime against Poland.  A RACIST JOKE OH MY GOD NOO WHYYYYYYYYYY

Yes dear human, sit down, because levels of racism this high haven't been seen in years.  Well..... cue racism chart:

But don't take the fitbathatba racism chart's word for it!  The Sun went with this on their FRONT PAGE:
Which sounds like a great episode of a sitcom.  'What did Roy say' I hear you ask?  let's find out.

It was half time, England were leading 1-0 in their crucial qualifying game.  "How can I make sure we see out the rest of the game?" thought Roy, "I just need to keep them calm - I know!  A joke. A joke is what we need".  He turned to the anxious players, exhausted from the 45 minutes of football they'd put their collective hearts into.

"We're almost there lads.  We're almost in Brazil, just keep it together and pass to Townsend"

"Which one's Townsend, boss?" said Daniel Sturridge between deep breaths.  "He's that one over there, you know, the only good one".  "What, because he's black?!" said Phil Jagielka.  "Oh God no!  I just meant he's good"

"Yeh sure thing boss" said Chris Smalling, rolling his eyes and nudging Wayne Rooney in the side.

"No no I never meant that!  It's like.... ummm... have you heard about the space monkey?"

The players' blank expressions let Roy know what to do.  He stood up on a box in the middle of the changing room and prepared to make everyone laugh like they'd never laughed before.

“NASA decided they’d finally send a man up in a capsule after sending only monkeys in the earlier missions,” the joke goes.
“They fire the man and the monkey into space.
“The intercom crackles, 'Monkey, fire the retros.'
“A little later, 'Monkey, check the solid fuel supply.'
“Later still, “Monkey, check the life support systems for the man.'
“The astronaut takes umbrage and radioes NASA, 'When do I get to do something?'
“NASA replies, 'In 15 minutes - feed the monkey.'”

In stunned silence, Roy realised what he had done.  "Oh god no I didn't mean because you look like a monkey!  It's not that!".  But it was too late.  Frantically, he raced through his head for another joke to get out of jail.  "Ummmm ok well do you know why Beyonce always sings to the left to the left?  Because black people don't have righ... no wait.... I mean uhhhhhh OH GOD WHY AM I SO RACIST"

Yeh so that was it.  That's literally what he said.  Well, the bit in bold is, the rest I might have made up and someone in the changing room has gone out and leaked it to a paper, who in a desperate bid to make a story out of anything, made it their front page.  Ollie Holt at the Mirror "broke" the story and what a load of absolute bollocks.  All of the journalists and the player that found that racist should be euthanised.  And Roy Hodgson should be incarcerated in space jail for his awful crimes.

I can only assume whoever it was that went and told on Roy was too stupid to understand the point of the story, like that time all of the christians read that book thing

Wednesday, 16 October 2013

Ravel Morrison and Zaha love each other

England under 21s beat Lithuania or Latvia - definitely a country with an L - 5-0 last night and the highlight was when Ravel Morrison decided to try and make love in the middle of the dance floor

Morrison has been praised for a "new found maturity" which involves not fighting, intimidating or mugging other people but Wilfried Zaha didn't believe the hype.  He rattled Morrison's cage by suggesting that he should 'fucking pass the ball' because at the age of 20, he's still a class above everyone else like he was in school

There's no wonder that Morrison became a little asshole.  Everyone remembers that one kid at school who was so good at football he would never, ever pass it, and on the seldom occasion he did it was because he was busy lighting a cigarette but this guy is doing this at international level.  At least there is still a world where you can be congratulated for not infringing other people's human rights like the one not to be assaulted on the street by someone wearing a hoody and riding someone else's bike.

Until the day that criminals are rewarded with prizes for managing to overcome their desire to be a scumbag, I believe everyone should adopt a criminal now and feed them ricicles because a healthy breakfast is the most important part of the day.  Unless you are diabetic in which case taking insulin is

Scotland are embarrassing

As two Scottish people watching the England game last night, we missed another of the Tartan Army's great victories.  Gordon Strachan led his men to a 2-0 win over Croatia, who are really really good and the coach was so embarrassed that he hung himself.  Or quit.  Or got sacked.  Either way it sucks to be him

Igor Stimac said he would quit at the end of this campaign because despite having players like Luka Modric in the team, Croatia have failed to beat Scotland twice.  It is this kind of humiliating form that led to Croatia instead sacking him before he had a chance to:
"We received nothing from him in written or verbal form on the flight back or afterwards, hence he was sacked."
And that was from Davor Suker, who as we all know, is famous for lobbing Peter Schmeichel in Euro 96.  Ahhh poor Igor.  I can kind of relate because my last work also offered me the chance to resign instead of being fired because it would 'look better on my cv' but I stood up for my morals.  I don't know want to live in a world where nudity and care for the elderly can't be combined

England are in the world cup

ROOOOONEY!!!!!  And so, England qualified for the World Cup again, beating several average teams and drawing with several more so ensure their place in a tournament they have absolutely 0 chance of winning.  OR DO THEY?!

Steven Gerrard celebrated his 107th cap by scoring the 2nd in a 2-0 win over Poland.  Wembley was also host to about 18,000 Polish fans and they made the atmosphere exciting as opposed to 'I want somebody to stab that brass band' and this was nice.  Roy Hodgson has now successfully navigated his country to a World Cup finals and says it is his "proudest moment ever":
"I'm English. As an Englishman, it means a little bit more to you."
He added: "The only reason I'm cautious is I don't want to denigrate other achievements, or people in Switzerland, to think I wasn't very proud of that achievement and that team."
That's all well and good Roy but there's no need to rub in that your proudest achievements are so genuinely important while the rest of us sit around in our pants eating doritos.  Until yesterday my proudest moment was managing to eat an entire medium pan pizza from pizza hut in one go but then I realised I once graduated from University.  The University of pizza?  Scientists maintain that no-one will ever truly know the answer but if I had to guess..........  pepperoni.

Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Ronaldo is sexy - says Arnie

Messi or Ronaldo, Ronaldo or Messi - who's better? Well it's Messi, but who has bigger muscles? That's all Arnie cares about.

There is Arnie giving it the cobra, from what looks like an archive photo from an old Nazi science experiment. For some reason Arnold was talking about Ronaldo and his ripped body. The world's greatest actor believes that Ronaldo is the world's greatest footballer because he has great abs and biceps and Arnie likes that.

The man who brought us such incredible characters as Detective John Kimble, Dutch, the Governor of California, Hauser, the Terminator, Harry Tasker and of course Mr Freeze - had some inspirational words of wisdom -
"Each and everybody is born with its own assets, it own strengths and weaknesses. I found it very easy to develop my biceps and my chest, but harder to improve my calves and thighs."
That's all I needed to hear, I'm going to give up a career in the oil and gas industry and live at my parents house forever and write a sitcom. Arnie and Cristiano play father in a son, in a slapstick comedy based around the hilarious goings on at a factory that makes frozen pizzas. Arnie is the elder lothario, always dodging work to try and get yet another lady in to bed with a flex of his muscles. Cristiano much to his Dad's dismay, can't even speak to a female without embarrassing himself and prefers to spend all his time thinking up new ideas for pizza toppings. "A laugh out loud comedy", "the funniest TV show since 'Will and Grace'" "catch a slice of the action this Thursday" is what they will say. "Pizza Boys, starts November 7th".

If it fails, well at least I'll have plenty time to work on my biceps.

Thursday, 10 October 2013

Harry Redknapp is 'that' kid at school

Harry Redknapp has been talking to a Daily Mail journalist recently and telling him all of his life's secrets.  It would be fascinating stuff if it weren't for the fact that most of it appears to be either wrong or made up.  The other stuff is good though

He makes some valid points in his auto-bio-novel like:
"I don't think they spend enough time coming home from school playing football until it got dark - that's what we did. I think that's the biggest problem."
There is referring to children, not the goblins that used to live in his house.  As a small example of Harry's story telling, and I hasten to add that I've met him and he's absolutely delightful, one journo informed me that he'd injured his hip/knee playing golf, and another journo told me that he did it on a treadmill.  Cos that's what he'd told them.  Redknapp said:
“All the senior players seemed to be up for me to get the job. I got quite a few text messages at the time from players saying they would love me to manage England: Steven Gerrard, Wayne Rooney, Rio Ferdinand, John Terry.”
Cue Steven Gerrard:
“I didn't text Harry Redknapp on his personal phone. I've never had his personal number,”
I don't know what to believe anymore.  This is like when my girlfriend told me that she'd bought me tickets to Disney Land on my birthday but they weren't inside my card so I kicked her out the house and put all of her clothes in the oven, and put the cake she'd made me in the washing machine and exploded her car and gave her a punch in the vagina.

Later I found the tickets in an envelope they sent to the house.  I felt so silly

Football Blogging Awards

Hello there dear FitbaThatba fan, if you would like to thank us for writing all this nonsense FOR FREE for you for the last nearly 3 years, you can do so without even giving us both hand jobs.

By voting for us in any of the categories at 'The Football Blogging Awards' (it's a real thing) you will help us maybe get nominated, and then give me and Jack an excuse to get utterly shit faced and make a short film of our adventure.  This isn't a vote, it's just a nomination.  Oh wait, it is a vote actually.  The actual event is at the football history museum, and I'd like to go there.

Vote for us here:

You can do it by some email thing they've set up, just nominate us in all the categories if you don't know anyone else.

You can also do it by twitter and facebook too.

If you can be arsed, go and do it.

See ya later.

love from jj and jack xxxx

The World Cup is near: qualifying preview

Because it's international week that means that we can all remember the world cup is coming soon and our summers will be amazing.  I would like to go to Brazil so if you fancy buying about 100 tshirts from us then we can afford to buy world cup 2014 tickets.  Actually no we can't.  I HATE YOU MATHS

Friday sees the return of international qualifiers and since there is more chance of me being named king of japan than there is of Scotland being anywhere an international tournament ever again, lets look at some of the groups from and see who is doing what.

As we can see, Belgium have already pretty much won the group of A by beating everyone and not losing.  Gary Speed very selfishly accidentally killed himself early on in the campaign and this is why Wales are not higher up thanks to the power of GBale.  Craig Levein tried to do the same thing but fell asleep while talking to himself in the mirror before he could do it.

Croatia are actually playing Belgium on Friday and that's a real "six pointer" but I will be supporting Belgium because they don't tend to join in on wars and Lukaku is from there and I would like to be his friend one day.

Italy have succesfully navigated their way to the top of the league by giving Mario Balotelli all of the penalties, and not by employing the navigator to get them there.  I can't remember what happens in that movie but I'm fairly sure that the plot is basically that a futuristic pedophile kidnaps a small boy and his family try to win him back.

Group C features everyone's favourite German team, Germany, who are full of players from Poland.  If those same players had decided to play for Poland instead, Poland might actually be able to win something so fuck you, glory hunters.

That said, I Am Zlatan will be hoping that he can beat Austria on his own, and Germany will believe that they can beat Ireland by stealing all of their potatoes or simply by turning up

Ahhh yes Group D, the group of Netherlands.  I am glad to see Hungary almost restored their Puskas days of glory but sadly RVP and co are still just too good.  You may have noticed that Andorra have conceded 24 goals and have scored none, making you wonder why they even try at all.  You may also have noticed that this is the exact same record as David Moyes has at Man United lol

How fucking delighted do you think Switzerland were when they got this group?  I bet they turned up to get pissed on the free wine and then stood pouring it on to the ground as their glass over filled at the very sight of their opponents.  "Does Eidur Gudjonsen still play?" asks one, "no idea mate" and then they worked very hard.  Not even Norway have put up a fight, which is surprising because I think John Arne Riise still plays, plus they have Tore Andre Flo and also in ISS64 I think those two teams would have been fairly equal.  AGE

Everyone's favourite communist billionaires are leading group F with a "very difficult" game against Luxembourg coming up.  Cristiano Ronaldo has to deal with Israel and since he loves Palestine so much this could be a tasty affair because I understand so much about Palestine.  I'd tell you more but I just don't think you guys would like get it

Greece are my third team behind Scotland, and the place that my parents are from, for various reasons and this is why their game against Slovakia is very important.  Bosnia have to play Liechtenstein, which is utterly pointless, seeing as clearly they are fucking useless.  There isn't even an airport in Liechtenstein because it's so tiny and shit and confused about who it is.  Like my bisexual midget cousin.

Cor blimey gov, it's only bloody England leading the group.  Roy Hodgson's boys take on Montenegro who have that guy Jovetic amongst many others who I don't know.  You can click here for England tickets if you want to presume that they'll actually get through, but let me remind you oh kind Scots, that it will be far funnier to watch them lose on penalties against a team you only know the names of four players, like Chile, than it will be to have the press completely ignore the world cup because "it isn't important".

Andriy Shevchenko

The best international team ever (c) still hasn't won their group but I think that might be because they've only played 6 games.  I'm not sure if this is simply because they haven't been scheduled yet or because to make it fair on the other teams they give Spain less games to earn enough points, but they should probably do that last one.  Also, didn't Spain win the last world cup?  Why do they have to qualify?  That's like asking me to register for the world's most handsome man contest.  Uhhhhh I think you'll find my Mum already did it for me, idiot

A drawing I did of AVB

Here is a picture of when Adebayor first met AVB and they became best friends

Wayne Rooney hates midfield

Wayne Rooney is in the news today telling everyone about how Alex Ferguson had the audacity to play him in midfield and this was just plan wrong dammit

The Man United forward told some reporter that the reason he fell out with his old boss was because he wanted to play upfront and score all of the goals:
"I got told to play in midfield and I didn't want to," said Rooney.
"I just think there had to come a point when, for my own career, I had to be a bit selfish really."
I feel the same way Wayne.  Just a year ago I was working in retail selling things to people I hate and I said "ENOUGH IS ENOUGH" and so I walked out of that job and I felt free.  And now, only several months later, my neighbour has discovered that I have been living in his attic this whole time

Wednesday, 9 October 2013

Wenger and Ramsey win a prize

Arsene Wenger and Aaron Ramsey are celebrating at the moment because a few days ago they won manager of the month and player of the month.  They are very happy

These awards mean that Aaron Ramsey is now allowed to go on one-manned space flights and fight the evil emperor Zrabnoo.  Wenger can control the tactics and dictate where Ramsey should go next after this famous battle, and Mesut Ozil must live in his aquarium of pain where no-one ever goes.  Why is it an aquarium of pain?  Solitude and falling spikes from the wall, like raindrops covered in sharpness


breathe deeply my son all will be revealed after your haircut

Cricket man is angry at Wilshere

Kevin Pietersen, who plays cricket as a job, has had a go at Jack Wilshere for daring to suggest that only players from a particular nation should play for that nation.  He's from South Africa but also England, you see

Arsenal midfielder Wilshere said something along the lines of "you shouldn't play for England if you aren't English" which in context makes complete sense, but has suddenly divided opinion among the world.  Diego Costa just decided to play for Spain all of a sudden, and he is indeed very Spanish, having grown up his entire life in Brazil but I guess the point is that if he feels Spanish, then he should be allowed to play for Spain probably.  Here's a conversation from Twitter that I stole from the Mirror:

Same Difference are of course one of the UK's great eurovision entries and this is exactly the point that cricket man wanted to make.  One of same difference is from Nigeria, the other is from Dumfries and just because they are brother and sister does not mean they should not be allowed to bang each other if I am there to watch and my phone has enough battery to film

Football is difficult something something pensions

If, like me, you don't understand anything about how much money you're supposed to pay into a pension and are fairly positive you will be dead or rich by the time you need one, this video might be for you

I really like playing football but my biggest problem with it is that I am completely shit.  At 5 a side level I'm usually pretty good, but the minute I have to play with actual grown ups in 11s, I look like one of those hoover robot things with a picture of Jason Lee stapled to the front of it.  I always thought I'd just sort of grow into being good at real football with the adults but then I realised that I'm almost 28 and should probably not have just spent £70 on a crab suit.

You will see the crab suit in a video soon.

So anyway you've probably figured out by now that we were asked to show this video, and the makeup person did a fairly good job making a not old person look old so well played to you.  The way I usually make someone look 40 years older than they are is by forcing them to read an entire hours worth of forwarded emails from my uncle, or by simply making someone turn up for work at their job in a boring office all day where they have to count numbers to save someone in a suit 5% of something, and read emails that my uncle has forwarded them.

Champions League music in 8 bit

I love computer game music and saw this on the internet so wanted to share because I luv u babes x

It's great

FIFA 14 banned by Leyton Orient

Leyton Orient won 8 games in a row to go top of League One earlier in the season but then FIFA 14 came out and it all went wrong.  Obviously it was the game's fault and so the club have banned it!

Reports that the global scouting network was so complicated and slow to navigate that it was literally melting players brains have not been confirmed or denied yet, but it is believed this feature is just one of the many that the real life players of Orient had been confusing with the skills they had been learning and applying their entire lives.  One player has even been sent to train on his own after mistakenly believing this to be a skill he was meant to perform on the pitch

The onlooking crowd was shocked.  The club have since released this statement:
"[The players] got stuck into the new Fifa 14 game and at times even played as themselves against Oldham in preparation for the match the following day," Leyton Orient communications manager Jonny Davies told the Independent.
"The staff were quick to implement a “no Fifa on a matchday” rule, however.
"The gaffer (Leyton Orient manager Russell Slade) suspects several hours playing football on a video game is not conducive to a good performance in the real thing."
I actually think that playing FIFA has turned me into a much better football player and I know for a fact that American Football teams use Madden to invent plays and stuff like that.  It's similar to the way in which Streets of Rage has made me much better at fighting people in the street or Grand Theft Auto V has made me almost degree educated in server loading times

Wilshere hates foreigners

This Adnan Januzaj guy has done pretty well recently, to the extent that I can even pronounce his name now, but that hasn't stopped Jack Wilshere taking a break FROM SMOKING OH MY GOD DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS DID YOU SEE THIS to ban him from England

Wilshere was talking in a press conference, or EDL rally, or something about the possibility of Januzaj electing to play for England instead of the other countries he's actually from, even though there is absolutely no way in hell he would ever choose that:
"If you live in England for five years it doesn't make you English.""If I went to Spain and lived there for five years, I'm not going to play for Spain."

In his defence, Jack Wilshere is a 21 year old footballer and not anyone who has any real level of education or understanding of why these comments might be misconstrued.  Also, I'd be inclined to agree that having players play for your country when they have absolutely nothing to do with it isn't really fair when it comes to international football.  That's the whole point of international football.  You don't just borrow a Brazilian.  That's why clubs can buy players from just wherever.  Matt Elliot used to play for Scotland ffs because his granny once got a ride behind the bike shed on a school trip.  I don't think that counts

Sunderland hire mental lower league foreign manager

Sunderland fired Paolo Di Canio recently because they realised he was bat shit mental but luckily for Sunderland fans they've replaced him with someone who is bat shit mental

The ex-Brighton manager was famously fired from his last job on live TV because he refused to commit to the club at any point and also because someone pooped in the away dressing room against Crystal Palace I think:
"The time of Paolo has come to an end. We are all different. You cannot compare me to anyone. I am not better or worse, I am different"
If this guy is no better than Paolo Di Canio then this season is going to be absolutely hilarious.  This is the Sunderland supporting equivalent of watching porn online when you realise your girlfriend is the girl on the couch and in the background you can see Gus Poyet writing 'CUNT' in his own shit on the walls.  In the corner, just out of frame, Di Canio talks to a skeleton that he believes to be Michael Parkinson