Tuesday, 3 September 2013

Transfer Deadline Day: A review

We all survived!  Together!  As one, let's hold hands and daaaance through the night oh baby yeh.  Also let's review what happened on transfer deadline day, the greatest day in the world


Some teams planned early, some did what I do on any occasion that I have to buy someone a present, no matter how many times they've let me have sex with them, by leaving it till the last minute.


Arsenal signed Mesut Ozil for £42.5million which tbh is fairly insane.  He's absolutely brilliant, one of Real Madrid's best players and, if you ignore the nonsense of the Fernando Torres Chelsea transfer, is the most expensive Premier League player ever.  And Arsenal signed him!  In addition to the attacking midfielder, they also signed some Italian goalie from Palermo.  They receive an A for Axcellent echievement in the transfer market.


Manchester United ran into Woolworths looking for a Buzz Lightyear to be told that they maybe had one round the back if they were willing to pay for it, and thankfully for them Buzz Lightyear handed in a transfer request and secured himself a £27.5million move out of Everton.  After headbutting security staff out of the way to earn his transfer to Old Trafford, Fellaini should help a fairly dreadful looking United not finish in 5th place this year.  Any Premier League team who plays a left footed 39 year old as an AMR deserves to lose everything.


Everton responded to losing their talismanic midfielder by signing Gareth Barry on loan.  Gareth Barry.  And the fun doesn't stop there!  They also spent £13million on James McArthy and were it not for the genuinely brilliant loan signing of Lukaku, I'd be advising Everton fans to prepare for a delightful season where they avoid relegation in the dying weeks.  Now they'll probably do it about 8 weeks before and finish in 10th, which is even worse than being relegated.  Honestly, there's nothing worse than being bored out of your tits as your overpaid "stars" draw 1-1 with Norwich, while Palace fans get to enjoy the excitement of almost not being relegated.


Brendon Rodgers took time out from making everyone near him feel awkward by stopping touching their faces long enough to sign Victor Moses on loan, Football Manager legend Thiago Llori for £8million and that PSG defender guy, Mamadou Sakho for £18million.  Is he good?  Only time will tell.  And also FIFA


Meh.

Aston Villa, meanwhile, signed some guy called Libor Kozak for £7million and to put into context how little I know or care about him, I've had to switch between tabs 8 times just to spell his name there.

Chelsea didn't sign anyone and neither did City unless you include Demichelis from the day before, which I don't, and so the only other interesting story was that Paolo Di Canio continued his descent further into madness by selling Stephane Sessegnon to West Bromwich Albion.  This leaves Sunderland with Steven Fletcher as their only really good player now, and he's from Scotland.  That's like leaving your 15 year old son in charge of the house while you go out and are annoyed when you come home to find out that he's broken the hoover by trying to shag it.  In my defence, the hoover looked very sexy that day.

In Europe, Kaka moved to AC Milan for free and I don't think anything else particularly erotic happened and so that is my summary of Transfer Deadline Day, for you, my friends.