For reasons that I won't explain but you'll probably work out, I was outside the Emirates all night to follow the dramatic conclusion to Transfer Deadline Day, or TDD as we shall now refer to it. It was.... just awful. I honestly felt like I was in a post-apocalyptic zombie world as hordes of 20something year olds in Arsenal shirts gathered outside a stadium to sing songs about a player that they might maybe sign, providing scenes of Frankenstein-esque terror as they surrounded the Sky Sports van. I'd also imagine Arsenal fans are a fairly high class one to observe - if I'd been at Ibrox I honestly would've expected the marshmallow monster from Ghostbusters to turn up and start blowing stuff up.
That picture doesn't really do it justice, but there are a lot of them there. If they weren't singing songs about Mesut Ozil, they were literally sprinting back and forth between the Sky Sports reporter and the ESPN one at the other side of the stand in a desperate bid to appear on television. If you wanted any further proof that celebrity culture has replaced religion, then this is where you should go. All it needed was Ozil to come out of the Emirates and heal a leper or turn water into wine. I wish he could have turned my water into wine because it would have really helped because wine is ace
This guy was there. This guy who almost cried while swearing about Wenger and Gazidis being 'out of order mate' on Arsenal TV, but he was actually hanging out with Arsenal TV (it's some youtube thing) the whole time. Shenanigans!
I just do not understand this desperate need for people to appear on TV during TDD. Sure enough, if I'm at a football game and see myself on the TV it's cool cos I'm like 'OH MY GOD THATS ME LOOK GUYS DID YOU SEE THAT ITS ME' but I'm not going to hang around outside an empty building at 11 in the evening while a reporter tries to ignore me. Unless the police make me, which has only happened about three times. To prove how much I don't understand it, here is a selfie of me looking sexy
This is my face at about 10.15pm before Ozil had actually signed and if you could turn the camera about 90 degrees to the left you would see all those people trying to get on Sky Sports. The most intelligent and informative people I'd met in the 2 hours up till point were two 14 year old boys, one of whom said:
my bus ticket here cost more than Arsenal have spent all summerAnd if you want to know why I was talking to young boys at night in North London, I don't really have an answer. "Because they were there" probably won't hold up in court but we'll just go with it anyway.
Finally, after the Ozil news was confirmed:
They just fucking appeared from nowhere as soon as a camera light turned on. There is a video reaction to my thoughts on TDD on our Facebook page, so go there, but otherwise I can confirm that having now been at one of those places I parodied in this video
It is exactly like how I imagined when hundreds of miles away in Aberdeen. People, man. Some of them were nice actually. *shudders*
And so, transfer deadline day is over and not one single person died. I really hope Michael Bay directs the next one