GROUP A - Belgium (favourite of the bookmaker Bwin) (winners) / Croatia (play-offs)
Wales 0-3 Serbia - Wales have turned out to be really, really shit. They only have 6 points and rather embarrassingly, they came from two wins against Scotland. Scottish people like me will tell you that those games don't really count because Gareth Bale won one of them single-handedly, and the other game you had a penalty and Ramsey scored. Ramsey plays for Arsenal and that's also unfair. Our best player plays for Wigan. Welsh fans were chanting for Chris Coleman to be sacked, which is fair enough really. The man is hilariously awful...unless you support Wales, then it probably makes you want to cry. Kolarov's goal is "an outrageous hit" as ultra lad Andy Gray would say.
Macedona 1-2 Scotland - I wrote about this already. We are Officially the best fourth placed team in Europe.
GROUP B Italy (winners) / fuck knows (play-offs)
Armenia 0-1 Denmark - Nobody cares about Armenia. Daniel Agger scored a penalty. The Danish are famous for bacon and pastries. Somewhat surprisingly I've never seen the two together. That's my weekend sorted.
Malta 1-2 Bulgaria - Malta are one of those teams that shouldn't be in the qualifying, I've got a better chance of qualifying and I am just one very small adult man. Gargorov scored the winning goal for Bulgaria. He sounds like a monster from Elder Scrolls. I'm not going to google him in case he is really handsome.
Italy 2-1 Czech Republic - Italy came from behind, which I believe is how the Italians like it. Balotelli scored the winning penalty because he fucking loves penalties...and yellow cards- he also got one of them. Kolaf was sent off right at the end of the game, he didn't see the funny side.
GROUP C Germany (winners) / Sweden (play-offs)
Borat 0-1 Sweden - Zlatan scored after 27 seconds and everyone was like "here we go!" and it didn't. Zlatan is too good, seriously why can't Scotland have a Zlatan? We used to get excited about Alan Hutton running in straight lines really fast.
Austria 1-0 The Real Ireland - The good thing about the home nations is we stuck together, all united in shiteness. Although by varying degrees of course. Ireland are more like a solid breakfast dump and now they have pretty much no chance of the play-offs after Bayern Munich man Alaba scored the only goal of the game in the 84th minute. You've got to love the Irish though, they never take themselves too seriously, they took on Connor Sammon with 10minutes left to play. That's great craic.
Faroe Island 0-3 Germany - Not much to say here, it's the fucking Faroe Islands. Ozil scored a penalty, he likes scoring doesn't he...with SLUTS. Sorry.
GROUP D Holland (winners) / somebody (play-offs)
Romania 0-2 Turkey - When Turkey aren't busy trying to fix football games, they are playing football games. Tonight they won a football game and Yilmaz scored again- how he is still at Galatasary is a complete mystery to me. Perhaps his agent can fix that for him.
Andorra 0-2 Holland - What the fuck Holland? 2-0 against a ski resort? Sort your shit out. Oh RVP scored an absolute spanker, watch it on 101greatgoals - seriously don't bother with TV highlights and punish yourself with pointless jibba jabba.
Hungary 5-1 Estonia - Estonia, another country who will never even get close to qualifying, what is the point? I mean you could say that about Scotland, you could, but would you? Yes, you probably would. I have no idea about any of the Hungary players but a dude called Dzsudzsák scored, which I pronounce like Dude Shack - which sounds like a gay bar, so he's alright in my book.
GROUP E Switzerland (winners) / somebody a bit shit(play-offs)
Norway 0-2 Switzerland - Switzerland are the best team in this group. If this group was a pop group, they would be The Feeling i.e really terrible. Some guy who plays for Basel called Schar scored both goals. I googled Schar because I have never heard of him and discovered that he is the world leader in gluten-free, so well done him.
Cyprus 0-2 Slovenia - I don't even think I care enough about this game to write anything. Er...I went to Cyprus once when I was younger with my parents. They said they were taking me and my brother to a turtle beach. It was a nudist beach. There were no turtles.
Iceland 2-1 Albania - in the Mighty Ducks 2: Team USA, the Iceland team lose to the final to the Ducks in a penalty shoot-out. Iceland's best player, the feared Gunner Stahl misses the decisive penalty. After a stand-off with his coach he says "you lost it for yourself! Come on, let's go shake their hands". This simple act of gracious defeat and sportsmanship really rubbed off on me and made me always cheer for Iceland - SO YEAH! IN YOUR FACE ALBANIA! YOU SUCK!
GROUP F Russia (winners) / Ronaldo (play-offs)
Russia 3-1 Israel - Russia are currently top and look set to stay there. Maybe it's because they are good at football, maybe it's because they hate gays, either way our friends from the East are well on their way to Brazil. A country of warm sunny, beaches and loads of men wearing speedos. It's their worst nightmare.
Luxembourg 3-2 Northern Ireland - Northern Ireland take the "most awful result of the night" award and it's well deserved. Luxembourg have only won four times in qualification history and is more like a city than a country. Unfortunately for N.I - the white Pele or black Maradona, Niall McGinn had to be subbed with an injury. Had he stayed on, they probably would have won 10-0. Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales can just have a wee three-way tournament next summer and we can fight it out for the honour of who is less rubbish than the other.
GROUP G Bosnia or Greece (winners / play-offs)
Lithuania 2-0 Liechtenstein - two guys scored a goal each. The home fans were really happy. The away fans were sad. Somewhere a family is crying over their pet dog Petey who had to be put down.
Slovakia 1-2 Bosnia - This was a big win for Bosnia. Forever finishing runner up in their group and losing their play-off to Portugal, will they finally make it to a major tournament? Beating Slovakia and Hamsik's massive ridiculous hair is a good place to start.
Greece 1-0 Latvia - God damn Greece are just so boring. They are joint top of the group having scored nine goals in eight games. Bosnia have scored 25 goals in 8 games. I've just got back from Greece and I'm really thankful for the souvlaki but please finish second in the group. It would serve you right for all the manky stray cats getting their cat AIDS all over everything.
GROUP H England (winners) / Ukraine (play-offs)
San Marino 1-5 Poland - San Marino scored their first goal for four years. FOUR YEARS. "Hi FIFA, we don't think San Marino should be in the qualifiers anymore" "Why not?" "Well they haven't scored a goal for four years". Poland didn't even have Lewandowski playing, it should have been a blood bath rather than just a blood...shower.
Ukraine 0-0 ENGERLAND - WHAT.A.GAME. Well I've no idea really as I only saw 10 minutes, but the 10 minutes I did see were fucking terrible. Ashley Young, Tom Cleverley and James Milner in the same midfield, at the same time. Is it possible that the football had actually been replaced by a giant grenade? There has to be a genuine reason the England players wanted to get rid of it so quickly. I imagine Hodgson will say this was the gameplan and it was executed perfectly and England got the point they wanted, and they are top and they are going to finish top of the group and they are going to Brazil, and they...shut up Roy!
Group I Spain (winners) / France (play-offs)
Georgia 0-1 Finland - This group is completely pointless.
Belarus 2-4 France - France twice went behind thanks to Hugo Lloris pretending to be a beached seal, before the gargoyle-faced Ribery inspired a comeback. It was the melty-faced lesbian Nasri who scored the decisive third before Paul "exactly what Manchester United need but sold" Pogba scored the metaphorical nail in the coffin. France will almost certainly have to go via the play-offs and they better find Benzema another underage prostitute so he starts scoring again or else they could be in trouble.