Monday, 9 September 2013

Gabby Agbonlahor attempts to murder One Direction

Aston Villa forward Gabriel Agbonlahor nearly killed Louis Tomlinson in the Stilian Petrov charity match this weekend, and the most amazing thing about this is that Agbonlahor is only 26.  I'm sure he's been alive longer than me

I don't understand why someone from One Direction was playing for Celtic and not a single member from 5ive even seems to have been invited but that is just the world we live in.  It's also the world where teenage girls will send you death threats on Twitter if you injure someone from their favourite boy band (from the Daily Mirror):
After leaving the pitch, the boy band singer also then vomited.  hah ah a hah haa

TBF it's not as if he could have gotten up and attacked his assailant, since I'm fairly certain that Agbonlahor is immortal. Not only does he look about 15 years older than he actually is, but he's looked that way since I can remember him, as though he was thawed out from a block of ice they found.  Maybe that's what they do with him between games - put him in a freezer.  He's like bumble bees in that he simply hibernates when put in extreme cold and comes alive again when defrosted.  My plan is to attach a string to him next time he's sleeping and then take him for a walk in the park to try and end the rest of One Direction.  If that doesn't work I think Agbonlahor should haunt him like a ghost by hiding in his closest and underneath his bed